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Paranoid or Being Played?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by AAASAS, May 19, 2015.

  1. AAASAS

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    I've already made a post like this, or one of similar subject matter so I'm going to point form everything to avoid ramblings; which will happen anyway.

    Timeline :

    -Met a guy on a gay dating / hook up app about 2 months ago
    -Was the first date I had where I didn't end up fooling around with the guy right away; I know I'm shameful, I didn't do anal or high risk activities with the other guys just hand jobs/ making out
    -Started dating him on a regular basis
    -My car has been broken the entire relationship and he lives about 80 km away(like 35 miles or something) so he has been driving to me the entire time, about three-two times a week

    My problems :

    - He is from the U.S, I am from Canada, he is from Alabama and I'm from Ontario, so they are about as opposite as you can get between Canada and the U.S(the two countries are incredibly similar I don't really consider him foreign, or any Americans foreign they're more like estranged cousins). But this is a factor in my problems because I get a nagging feeling he is trying to get immigrant status here(Green Card) he hasn't mentioned anything really to me about it but he is extremely attractive and wealthy and I don't really have much to offer at the moment in terms of anything. i sometimes feel he chose me because I am an easy target, and would be someone he would consider "easy to fool" because of the difference in our looks. I know this is absolutely ridiculous but it is something that is bugging me about the relationship, even though I don't think anyone from the U.S would be so desperate to move to Canada to do such a thing, I mean the U.S is basically Canada with better weather, a little more conservative but there are liberal parts, and more opportunities. So I really don't know why I even consider this, but I do. The only real reason I think this is because of how into me he is, he says a lot of sweet stuff, and seems to be trying to move the relationship fast. I'd like to add he is 31, and I'm 25, so there is a possibility maybe he is just older and more ready to get serious?

    - I feel he may be cheating too, I know I'm horrible, I think he's using me to become a citizen and is cheating on me. The reason I think he may be cheating is :
    A) He is far better looking than me
    B) He has sent me "racey" photos not super dirty in the past
    at random times. I never ask for them, or suggest I want one, they come at random times, and I've even told him before; not after receiving a photo, that I'm not into that crap. I feel he is sending me these after he sent them to someone else because he feels guilty. I think this because I never asked for them, he knows I don't care about getting them, so WHY ELSE WOULD HE BE TAKING THEM?
    C) He has sent me three accidental texts, none were explicit or suggestive of cheating, but I found it weird
    D) He randomly will shower me in affectionate talk when we aren't together, like out of no where, will tell me how much he misses me and can't wait to see me, and to me that just seems like a guilty mind. I say this because though he tells me he misses me a lot, sometimes there is something distinctive differences in the word choice, and amount he says to me. It's like he was randomly struck with the urge to go overboard with affection, and I know this is a sign of cheating.
    E) When we first started seeing eachother we were both still active on the app, because we weren't official and I know he went out on two dates; he told me, but he said it was just because he had made the plans prior to our first date; after our first date he was already acting very into me. He receives a lot of texts when together sometimes and when I tell them its ok for him to read them he never wants to? My ex had no problem texting infront of me.
    F) Tonight he told me he missed me, then 5 minutes later, after I told him a joke; this is all via text, he says " I miss you" again. It seemed very ill placed, in the past me making him laugh has triggered him saying " I miss you" but this was close to the last time he said it, and it wasn't even a funny joke more a light hearted poking fun at him. Im not doing it justice, but it was a very misplace and awkward I miss you. I am paranoid that it could possibly be one of his many texts he sent me that were destined for somebody else.
    G) I haven't met any of his friends yet, though I can't drive at the moment to him, which is a reasonable reason, but he hasn't really invited me to do so either.
    H) We don't spend entire weekends together, he always has to go do something else, ut keep in mind he is the one doing all the driving so I can't fault him for not wanting to drive 80 km to see me 4-5 times a week(160 km total)

    - I feel he may not be as into me as I am him because though he is affectionate, and kisses me a lot, we don't like make out a lot? Do some people just not like making out at all.

    - He knows how good looking he is, so I feel I could just be getting played by him based on that fact alone


    ** Ugh shittily organized, and didn't even get all my thoughts down but I feel I'm going to drown this question if I continue. My dilemma is I want to find out whats going on, I've already asked him enough times if he is attracted to me, if he would ever cheat, and just a bunch of other ridiculous questions, I ve even asked him the immigration thing; he told me he already had resident status; I'm very ignorant to how immigration works here but I know he isn't a citizen. I've just already pushed it to the limit with my paranoia with him, and I feel I should maybe just end it. I'm starting to develop feelings for him, but they're ruined with intermittent feelings of anger that I am being used. Let's just say I don't feel too secure in this relationship. I'd also like to add the previous guy I was dating, cheated on me, and I found out because the guy I'm dating now actually went out on a date with him WHILE we were dating(he did specify though he didn't want a serious relationship so I should've expected that), so this has added to my paranoia of being cheated on even though it wasn't really cheating. My previous ex which was my most serious relationship found somebody else while we were on a relationship hiatus and told me he didn't love me fore the past year or whatever it was of our relationship, so though he didn't cheat I felt like it was, and this also adds to my paranoia.

    So I have no idea, given my past experiences, am I just being delusional? Or is there a possibility I could be onto something? I'm really terrified of being hurt again, my break up with my last serious relationship was very hard to deal with and I don't know if I could deal with that again.

    Either I'm not mentally stable enough to be in a relationship, which I think may be true, or I am just noticing the signs of a cheater/ liar. I pay attention to people a lot and their behaviours , and catalog them just subconsciously, but whenever someone says or does anything out of character I notice, I trust myself on this one because I almost always know when something is up with someone I know well, whether a positive change or negative change in their life I will notice even based on how you text message me. I just don't know if I know him well enough to be judging behavioural changes as signs of cheating or just something shady going on. I also jump to conclusions quickly, but when I do that they are momentary conclusions, but these feelings have been like a fog that has stayed with me ever since I noticed the behaviour and a pattern emerging.
     
  2. robclem21

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    Latter is probably likely. It seems kinda ridiculous for someone from the US to do this because getting citizenship isn't that hard. Especially if he already has a good job and is paying taxes.

    A) Hardly a sign of cheating
    B) Weird, but if he knows he's attractive, maybe he's trying to show off his body and enjoys showing it off when he thinks it looks good.
    C) If its not suggestive of cheating it shouldn't really be on this list. If he is texting friends frequently, its an easy mistake.
    D) see A
    E) Maybe he just wants to enjoy his time with you and not be bothered with his friends at that moment
    F) Maybe he misses you since he doesn't see you frequently.
    G) Ask him? Also see A.
    H) I am sure you have stuff to do on the weekends to do to that you would have to leave for. e.g. taking care of the house/pets/other stuff that would preclude you from staying at his place.

    I wouldn't say mentally stable, but a lot of this seems like paranoia based on insecurities. Some of it may have merits if combined with other issues, but alone, none of these really scream cheater to me. More of affectionate person with friends and other committments in life. Sometimes its possible to pay too much attention to these things when they are meaningless and ruin a good thing for no reason. Try to let it go and if you have no real reason to not trust him, why continue asking the same things over and over again when you get the truth from him. Eventually to be happy, you are going to have to believe someone when they answer you.

    Hope that helps.
     
  3. Sek

    Sek
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    I don't like that you are trying to read into his behaviour. Doubt breeds insecurity. If he has told you that he isn't cheating then you have to believe him until you know better. Also, if you feel insecure in the relationship then it's probably not a healthy one for you. You're only going to torture yourself with the thoughts you're having. But I do think a lot of your insecurities are caused by a lack of self confidence. You seem to talk higher of him than yourself, in fact you talk really low of yourself:

    "He is far better looking than me"
    "I don't really have much to offer"
    "i sometimes feel he chose me because I am an easy target"
    etc.

    He probably sees you higher than you see yourself. After all, you seem to be trying to piece together an explanation for his affection. You treat it impossible that he would drive so far/so often to spend time with you, so try to justify it by him wanting a green card, but honestly I do highly doubt that's the case. However you are the more knowledgeable of your situation so I cannot say categorically it's the case.

    My immediate question/response is revolved around how much you have talked to him about these feelings. But I don't think those feelings will go until you have better self confidence. You are more special then you're giving yourself credit for, remember that. :thumbsup:
     
  4. AAASAS

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    Thanks for the reply, I sucked it up and asked him about the immigration status, he is a resident, has his card, health card, driver license, haha he showed me everything, I didn't mention me being paranoid but he basically proved to me he is moving here on his own, I still don't know why he would want to but I guess that's none of my concern. So at least that is settled it did feel good to hear someone else say they think it's ridiculous too, sometimes I need someone to say your being an idiot to full realize it.

    I'm going to ignore my thoughts on him cheating and go with it, just really like him and don't wanna fuck it up as you may know I have a history of fucking good things up.

    Still have thoughts that he isn't attracted to me, but thats just a deep-rooted issue that I'd have with anyone. I really don't wanna hold grudges this time, and he has teased me about my looks before; especially the eyebrows if you can believe it, which was really hard for me to ignore, but I did, I still get upset about it when I think about it and feel like acting passive aggressively but it's not the best choice so I'm steering clear of that. He's also made ugly jokes, again a joke i just dont understand but I am learning or trying to ignore it.

    I feel like my paranoia may get the better part of me again, and I really don't wanna waste his time this time if I am going to continue to being paranoid which is sort've why I am still contemplating breaking off. If I can't fully get over it, it is better for me and for him that I break it off instead of hurting him and getting hurt when it finally ruins the relationship. I'm going to approach him about this but I don't how to do it.

    Thanks for the reply.

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2015 at 09:05 PM ----------

    Thanks for the reply, and taking the time to read and respond thoughtfully.

    You make a lot of good point, and I do agree that maybe it isn't the healthiest for me if I am going to continue to be paranoid, which is why I am thinking about ending it, I honestly don't know how to go about doing that because i like him so much and don't wanna throw away a good thing, but there is a possibility my insecurities are just going to end it when we are more serious, which will be even worse. I think right now I could break it off and would be upset but would recover quickly, I don't want to be at the point where breaking up is going to devastate me.

    I have a really hard time believing people, and if anyone makes a crack about my looks, I tkae it too personally, because they are just confirming what I already thought, so it just stings greater.

    Anyway thanks for the reply, and I feel like a dick cause I shredded beyonce in a prior post and here is a fan of hers giving me advice, I'm sorry, I can be a music nazi sometimes and it's completely arrogant and pompous of me.
     
  5. Sek

    Sek
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    You don't have to end it right now. You just need to start practicing better self-confidence. This might seem weird or cheesy, but I would recommend starting by standing infront of the mirror and listing anything good you can about yourself, making the list longer everytime you do it. The aim is to get in a habit of telling yourself what you do well rather than what you do badly. Spend time building yourself up rather than bringing yourself down. You need to be your own biggest fan because that's the only person that will be there every step as long as you live.

    Also I'd recommend getting out of your head less. What your brain perceives as real or believes is true is not necessarily true. Out of all the information that your senses pick up, it only filters what it deems necessary for your survival. Sometimes it will either misinterpret or completely ignore certain things, thus giving you a distorted view. Learn to not trust what comes into your mind first, especially when it comes to guessing what another person's thoughts/feelings/intentions are. Instead seek to find the truth from others or just get it out of your mind by distracting yourself with work or friends.

    As a final message, don't worry about your comments about Beyoncé. I am a fan of hers but I don't think people who don't like her are any less than those who do. You weren't being arrogant or pompous, don't beat yourself up haha. :slight_smile: