I have been in a relationship with my amazing wife for a little over 8 years. We've had happiness, sadness, love, and admiration for each other; We truly loved everything about one another. I was her Yang and she my Yin. Our sex-life had once been amazing, and her beauty surpassed any woman you can find in a catalog of models. Three weeks ago, we were having another perfect day, she was setting up Game of Thrones on a laptop to watch together in bed, we had some fancy GoT beers poured into tulips, and I would make a dip for snack foods that we could munch on. Maybe a minute had passed after I gave her a kiss in the bedroom to go in the kitchen when my life stopped. She was in near tears, placing her wedding ring on our bar table, with words that came from her direction how couldn't stay with me any longer and a short sentence about leaving because she was afraid of watching me die in front of her, all while quickly running out the door. I stood there for an eterity, naked in bewilderment. It took just seconds, once my adrenaline spat in my face, to throw on old jeans and try to chase after her. I couldn't find her anywhere despite her not taking a car. After about 20 minutes I saw her about a block away from where I ended up and begged her to come back, not understanding. She pleaded with me to let her go, that she needed time for herself away from our relationship. I relented, attempting to prevent my eventual breakdown into the puddle I became when the gravity hit me back at home. After two days of texts and calls, worried about how she was taking care and stating how scared I was of our future, she finally texted back that she loved me but it was over, she wasn't coming back. A few days passed, and then a week. I opened the door to a letter placed upon the welcoming mat. It left more pain than closure to know she still loved and cared for me so much, but left me without any answers. I filed for a divorce days later and texted my wife my intent to keep everything above board, believing this action could bring the closure I needed to move on. We met for the first time in 2-3 weeks downtown to discuss our divorce, where she had displayed a hickie over her right breast with an open shirt and jacket. It was more than I could bear and we departed in opposite directions relatively shortly after I made up an excuse to leave. I had tried so hard to look like I hadn't noticed, but couldn't help but stare and look like I was dying inside the whole time. She apologized quickly and covered it up as I regrettingly asked if her attire was open on purpose before leaving. I was ashamed at my indecent and hurtful question towards her; we have always had kind words to pass to each other, even in our broken time apart. Several days later, we met and prepared our documentation over coffee quite amicably at a local Starbucks. One of our female friends, a coworker of hers, dropped her off, and they spent a bit of time in the car together before my wife got out to come meet me. Afterwards, I asked to walk her to work from the coffee shop, to which she obliged my forwardness. I tried to lightly ask if she was gay, and made a lighthearted joke about my trimmed beard at the same time in an attempt to lessen the awkwardness of the conversation. I don't think she was ready to acknowledge to me her coming out as later she expressed how she felt shame and guilt over the breakup as it related to our previous relationship. I instead admitted my relief of the images burned in my mind where she was leaving me for a better man. Finding out something suspected, but new, about my wife was exciting and I saw hope in my immense love and happiness for her new openness while she reciprocated similar feelings of a deep love we once shared. I have told her how courageous she is for taking that step and appreciated how loving she has been to me over the years even as she internally struggled alone without my noticing. I understand our love was genuine and true for our entire relationship and it is truly painful to know she felt forced to suppress her sexual desires and frustrations for any duration while we were together; I don't believe in not being who we really are and wished I could have not filed and remained in a MOM or MOR that celebrated her sexuality how she wanted. We finalized our divorce papers that Thursday in front of a court clerk and notary. I felt like this finish to an end was an obligatory loss of our relationship that I never wanted to actually close, just begin anew. All the emotions I believed were flushed away enough to maintain composure came gushing back out of my pinched eyes as she walked away for the last time with her new-found love to support her. It has been a month since our loss and we are both still emotional which hinders our ability to meaningfully communicate for more than a few minutes. She has stated that she is not ready to see me again yet, but would be there for me if/when I need the support. We recently moved to the Portland area 7 months ago for her promotion and I have been without a job of my own. Since she first left, our mutual friends and acquaintances are hers alone to keep as I have been isolated from any support. My parents can't begin to fathom understanding for my loss and grief, providing no meaningful support. Nor have I told them our true situation as they would shun me, and worsen their new dislike for a wife they believe broke eternal vows by leaving. My sister is the only family I have that is not ultra-religious and judgmental against who we keep friends with, but she hasn't been answering my calls and I can't blame her since I have been needy from my seclusion being locked away in an empty home for a month. I have no desire or strength to start looking for a job, let alone develop new friends in my emotional state. My only joy is looking forward to a possible new beginning with my best friend and companion regardless of where she chooses to stay her nights. I am so lost inside my broken mind, I stare at my blank phone all day hoping she will call. How can I survive this when society says our sexual labels define who we can and can't build lasting relationships with?; especially when my wife likely has nothing left in the emotional reserves for a failed husband?
