Me and my friend...what?

[Disclaimer: this is much more vent than query, but advice is welcome all the same]

Basically, last night me and my friend ended up on his bed hugging for long, long amounts of time, spooning, curling up to each other etc. It left me really nervous - elevated heart rate (so much so he noticed), weird breathing and talking non-stop about random shit - but I really enjoyed it. It's the most intimate I've been with anyone and it felt special for me. I didn't want it to stop, and didn't stop even when we ended up in hugging positions usually only reserved for couples. After a while of this, he basically asked me to tell him what this was all about, and so I ended up explaining my feelings for him and some other things about myself. We had a long talk about this, but eventually went back to the cuddling.

Then one thing led to another, and basically he started to suck me off. It was really awkward because after a long while, I wasn't really coming close to getting off... I'm not sure if it was nerves, that I felt pressure to please him, maybe I'm sensually but not sexually attracted to him, or that quite simply it was a new experience I'm not adjusted to. Sensitivity wise nothing much was happening, but he wasn't really doing anything wrong. But either way it never got to the end, and he went to the bathroom saying he felt ashamed while I sat thinking what to say to him to make him feel better.

After that we sat in his room talking about it. He felt it was his fault initially, but I played a part too and I did talk him into reserving half of the blame for me. I deserve it, after all. After that, we both agreed it was a mistake, and thought that we just need to work round this to restore our friendship. (it was at this point that I reminded him that about 90% of what I'd told him in conversation that night I hadn't told anyone before, and that I wasn't expecting to cultivate anything close to the kind of friendship we have). He told me he needs some space, and I will of course respect that. On a rational level, we've both come to an understanding and started out a framework for what to do next.

That doesn't account for the irrational parts of my thought though, and after leaving his room I firstly beat myself up mentally and then started just wanting to go back to the hugging, and wondering what would have happened if we'd taken things slower, more intimate, and not rushed in as we did. This has just left me a little conflicted now. Conflicted by the part I played (I was not using him, because I really care about him and his feelings, but part of myself still accuses me of doing that), between the rational acknowledgement of the situation and the irrational... longing, to be back hugging and maybe do things differently, and whatever else this has thrown up.

It feels sort of surreal. In the space of two hours we went from talking quite openly about the possibility of a relationship to talking about a (possible) crisis in our friendship. Selfishly at least part of me wants to experience that close hugging again and just hold him close, but I know that's not fair to him and not right. I'm not sure how to act around him/how to go forward, or how to let my feelings go so they don't inflict anything else on him.

 

I guess I did say it was more of a vent, but doesn't anyone have a take on this? I'm not really sure where to go from here in the friendship, apart from the fact I want to keep it going.