His name is Eric. He is a senior and will be leaving in a matter of days. The first time I saw him, I thought: wow, he is really good looking. The more I saw him, the more I grew to admire him. His beautiful blue eyes and his smile makes me melt. His wit and funny nature make me want him even more. I started to hang out with him more but I seem irrelevant to him. Sometimes when he looks my way, I think he is looking at me. I want to cry, no tears. I want to scream, no sound. Recently I went to a party with him and thought: It is funny how I know how much I love you, but you stand here not knowing any of this. This is the first time I have ever felt such a way towards someone. He's probably not gay. I somehow find hope in the fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend. But then, reality strikes me back with force telling me to stop. The world isn't the perfect utopia I wish it to be. Every time he posts on social network, I feel excluded. Why can't I be with him? I carefully analyze each of his pictures trying to get to know him from the outside. I am afraid to speak to him. In his presence, I stutter. I must seem really pathetic. I have lost my usual hunger for food and I think about him constantly. I often feel depressed at the thought of him leaving. Why must he leave far off for college? I have no idea what to do. If I were to reveal my true feelings for him, what? Is he a homophobe? Surely if he is, my secret will be out. I will feel ashamed in front of my friends and parents. These giant walls I am faced with and the clock is ticking. I don't know, I don't know. I am stuck on the outside, I cannot breathe.
Since he's leaving and makes you feel depressed, I think the best thing for you would be to distance yourself from him. From what I can gather from how you say he makes you feel, you are reading too much into his actions – his social media posts probably aren't excluding you, it's simply that he doesn't know you. Ultimately, if you can find someone who doesn't appear to ignore you, then you might want to form a relationship with them. Good luck (I'll keep an eye on here so I can reply to you), Connor
I know this feeling all too well. Being honest, it's a battle that I deal with daily and I know it's not easy. I can relate so much on the feeling of wanting something that you feel is so perfect yet so impossible to achieve. My best advice is to take it day by day, step by step. I'm still working diligently daily to accept that it's almost certain I will never be able to be with the "Eric" in my life. If you ever need to talk, I'm always here!
It's okay to feel the way you do, it's in our nature to be fascinated by things that we think we want but don't have. We've all been there; it's one of those inevitable things in life that suck. Unfortunately, you can't decide what thoughts will enter your mind about him. However you can decide whether or not you continue to indulge in those thoughts. I'd say you are pretty much torturing yourself by allowing your mind to wonder in thoughts about him. "What would I say to him if I saw him right now?".. "What would life be like if only we were together?".. etc. You do have the power to dispose of thoughts about him that enter your mind. Try not to indulge in thoughts about him, instead spend that time focussing on achieving your other goals or improving an aspect of your life. You'll thank yourself later.
I'm sorry but it is just so hard to get him out of my mind. I have thoughts of contacting him about so I can at least get some closure. But I don't know if it's the right thing to do.
Life seems like a puzzle with no solution sometimes. Or a maze with no exit. If someone who I knew came out as LGBT, I know everyone I associate with would be happy for them. However, I still worry that I'd be accepted differently. I probably wouldn't be but its still a concern for me. The way you're feeling about this guy is something I'm sure we can all relate to on this forum, and though you may not want to hear this; you're more than likely going to feel this way about someone else in the future. Should you tell him how you feel? I don't know. I never told anyone how I felt about them and I kind of regret it. I was more worried about the reaction I might have got from everyone had I made my feelings known. I'm sure there are lots of EC members here that can advise you more though. Good luck!
Thank you. I feel I should come out to him, otherwise I would never get over this. It has agonized me enough and it would be nice for it to stop. Although I do not know how to do this. I feel too ashamed telling him in person. The only other form of communication I have is email. Please advise me.
