Wait.. what? She has feelings for me too?!

Ok so I'm probably going to go into too much detail here so I'm sorry about that! It's the whole cliche situation where I fell in love with my best friend. This post is probably more about ranting about the whole situation than anything else, but if anyone has some advice I'd gladly listen to it!

We met 6 years ago and we became great friends. Over the past 2 years we have gotten really close and we basically know everything about each other but I was hiding something pretty big and that was that I was a lesbian. I struggled a lot personally with coming to terms with the fact that I liked girls. One day I couldn't take it anymore so I just told her ( I'm going to call her Sarah) Sarah took it really well and she was very supportive and eventually I told the rest of my friends. I was also hiding the fact that I was totally in love with her. I couldn't tell her though because she was straight and that would completely ruin our friendship. We spend a lot of time together both in school and out of school and lately I was trying to get over my feelings. I had no other choice because I knew we would never be together. I knew I was never going to tell her but that all changed a couple of weeks ago.. I was at my friends house for a party and we decided to play never have I ever! Worst mistake ever.. We were drinking and I got pretty drunk and usually I don't but this time I did. I thought that all my friends were drunk and wouldn't remember it in the morning so I basically confessed that Sarah had broken my heart. We moved on straight away and I thought no one had remembered until last weekend, when I got a message from Sarah. She said "can I ask you something" and She then asked "When you said I broke your heart, what did you mean?" I knew I was going to have to tell her the truth so I just said that I had feelings for her but I was getting over them and that I hoped this wouldn't change anything. Sarah said she had something to tell me but it would change everything and I said that it wouldn't she could tell me anything! But what she said next completely shocked me. She said " I have pretty strong feelings for you" I didn't know how to react because we had both basically just confessed our feelings for each other. She had always been with guys and never showed any interest in another girl so I was completely shocked! She said she's completely straight but yet she's basically in love with me. Sarah said she wanted to be with me but I said that we should have a proper talk about this whole thing because if anything was to come from this it wasn't going to be easy! I'm still in the closet to my family and everyone thinks she's 100% straight. Sarah also has a twin and we have another friend and the 4 of us are pretty close so it would be so awkward to explain to them what's going on.

Sorry this post is so long!!! It probably makes no sense whatsoever :icon_bigg

That all happened 2 weeks ago and we still haven't properly spoken about it. We graduated from high school last week and we had this massive party. There was a lot of people there and I stupidly thought Sarah would stay with me all night since we had confessed our feelings but I was wrong. She got drunk and went off with a boy that was there and it hurt like hell! I know it's pretty sad but I ended up in the bathroom crying for most of the night and no one noticed I was gone. I eventually went back to my friends but one of them noticed something was wrong but I couldn't tell her what was going on. We ended up in the bathroom again and I was still crying and then Sarah walked in.. She started saying stuff like "I have feelings for someone else" , "I didn't mean for that to happen" , "he's not my type" and I knew she was saying it to me but to everyone else she just seemed like she was rambling while she was drunk. I walked away, I couldn't listen to it anymore and I just wanted to leave. She ran after me though and grabbed my hand and told me that she wanted to be with me, that it was a mistake and that I was the person she liked .. Honestly I have no idea anymore. We tried to talk about it face to face but we both spoke about everything but what we actually had to talk about. When I was leaving she said "I wonder what everyone would say if we told them we were together" and I answered with "I don't know we will just have to see" and Sarah said " we can't really tell people because that would be lying" and I said back to her "well we didn't really talk about it" and she ended the conversation with "I wouldn't mind" and I said "either would I".
We haven't spoken about "us" since but I have no idea what to do. I'm so confused about the whole situation and I don't want to be the one that keeps bringing it up. I'm in love with her but I can't put myself through this all again. It was hard enough trying to get over her the first time when it was just me with the feelings but now.. I don't know what I would do if it didn't work. She's my best friend and I can't lose her. I just want her to be happy even if that isn't with me, she's had it hard enough the past few years .. I don't want to add to it.

If someone did end up reading all of this, thank you! Sorry it was so long and confusing! :icon_bigg

 

Thanks for replying to my post I really appreciate it!! I think we could be heading towards actually figuring out what is happening between us.
Ya I spent a couple of hours with her yesterday before her twin got home and we were really close. At one stage I made a joke about going to university this year and she got kinda serious and said "oh you are giving up on this already" but she just laughed it off. I called her my friend as well when I was explaining something and she was like "friend, ok I get it". I didn't mean it like that but I didn't know what to say back to her. So I was still pretty confused at that stage but once her twin got home though we acted as if there was nothing between us and I know that's the way it will be when we are in a relationship.
I was going to message her last night but she sent me this message at 3am saying "I just want to be with you"

 

Ya I replied to the message telling her I wanted to be with her but again we are completely ignoring it. We move on so fast or never get any where through messaging! Last night we had a pretty serious conversation just about life if general and after she sent me a link to a song and it was Kodaline-The one and she sent me a picture about me being her one true love but 5 minutes later we were talking about what we were going to do this summer.

I know that if we do get together we are going to have to keep it a secret until September when university starts. We both plan to go to the same city for university in September so it would just be us then and she wants us to live together. I don't know if it's fair on either of us because I can't tell my family right now I'm not ready and she doesn't want anyone to know. I don't blame her though I understand but we can never be alone really because her twin and our other friend are always there if we meet up or if we do anything so even trying to organise a time to meet up and talk is hard.

---------- Post added 29th May 2015 at 02:31 AM ----------

Thanks for your message! I wish things could be easier when it comes to things like this! I'm sure it's not too late and I know it can be pretty hard to actually have that conversation. It seems easier just to ignore everything. I hope everything works out for you and your friend! Maybe she's just too scared or nervous to take that step and bring it up in conversation.