I am 24 years old, was living in West Virginia with my bf and he died in February. I had no car or income was forced to move back home. I am hoping to move out by July or August and have good plans to do so but living here with my mom and sister has made it even harder. My dad is easier to be around and leaves me alone to think for myself but my mom and sister nag me every minute. My sister is even worse and it is literally every little thing that I do she criticizes and i can tell she gets a lot of enjoyment out of it. My relationship with my sisters is even deeper problem. They both hate me for selfish reasons and think me living my life as I wish is selfish. They both went out of their way to alienate me and mistreat me. I did nothing to deserve their hatred or disrespect and now it is getting worse especially with my younger sister who is at home from college. She talks to me like I am 12 and it hurts so much. I cannot breathe in this house and every I get mad at my mom or my sister for nagging me they tell me to calm down and my sister laughs me. My therapist knows these problems and understands they are putting me down and especially putting me down. I have a hard enough time moving home and my bf dying and they treat me like crap. When I left home I finally stood up to my mom but now since my bf is gone she thinks I changed my perspective on things. I admit my bf coming into my life helped me stand up for myself and be who I am. Now it is very hard to anything without being criticized or put down. Should I nicely tell my mom her actions are why I left in the first place and that if this continues I will only push them away even farther. I guess I am more sensitive than my sisters or even my mother and they complained when I was the shy kid and now me being outspoken is a problem to them. Very sad.
First of all, I'm sorry for everything you've been trough, no one deserves that. Second of all, i think you should tell your family how you feel about the situation. Tell them exactly what you wrote in the post. Maybe they'll understand. If not, try ignoring them, cause i dont think fighting fire with fire would be very effective..
Thanks. I will tell them what I feel in a nice and kind way and also find ways to ignore them at the same time. But at the same time avoiding them raises more questions and more hostility. I often think about the concept of suicide not to the point of doing it but that if did kill myself my sister would think that would be selfish also. It wouldn't be "oh jeez I was so horrible to him" it would like "oh how selfish of him" and when I think that it is what keeps me going. I cannot let them impact my life like that and constant activity is what will actually help.
So....explain to me again why you need these people in your life, exactly? I understand you are currently stuck living with them, but once that situation changes, you might want to consider just doing your own thing and building your own life away from them. If you wouldn't put up with their crap from a complete stranger, why does a genetic connection make a difference? Just a thought or two, Todd
I will echo Todd's thoughts here and add that maybe your reactions are what is providing them with a certain amount of entertainment. There are better ways of dealing with insults: 1) put-downs are only a means by which they bring you down to their level, they are baiting you, solution: don't bite 2) if you are quick-witted, respond to their crap with humour 3) if you are less than quick-witted (I fall into that category), choose silence. This option is the most powerful and the most effective. Silence, with a heavy dose of goat-like impassiveness...just stare at them with a poker face, let them finish, then continue what you were doing. As you are looking at them, think about where you'll be in a few months, as Churchill said, when going through hell, just keep going.
That is a question I ask myself everyday. It was hard thing to have happened but I really had no other choice. That is what happens when your temporary living off one income and no vehicle and your bf unexpectedly dies. And also with the fact we lived in a apartment complex out in the country. Believe me once the situation presents itself which will hopefully happen very soon I will be out of there and not a huge part of their lives. Believe me they are reason I left because I got a apartment in their small town and started doing my own thing which drove them crazy they did not like my bf or the decisions I was making. It is funny when you start being more independent and than people go crazy. But on the other hand my dad finally understands me and I don't have to explain myself to him and if I do explain it is a matter of ok your decision is decision and it does not matter to him or to me if he really understands it. Only that he respects the decisions I make and sadly my mom is using my bf's death as a way to string me back in into her control with hopes i never show that kind of independence again. I sent her many emails, many texts and many phone calls defending my decisions and I am done. No explanations, no more defending myself and my my decisions cause I don't need them to be defended just respected and to top it off my mom believed my whole life that "secrets are bad things" and that behavior really affected my whole life. But I am done and never again gonna fall into her traps. And I will damn well keep my secrets too. ---------- Post added 28th May 2015 at 10:55 AM ---------- Thanks I appreciate that. Like I always say some people are like walls you can talk, defend and explain all you want but most of time they just hit back. People don't wanna always see reality for what it is and I am gonna live my life because I know where to go from here.
Daniel, You might benefit from getting the book "Just Listen" by Mark Goulston. It's an amazing book that, if you read it and follow its recommendations, can transform the way you communicate with your family. Basically, in any situation, you have the right to set boundaries. You can simply say that you'd like to have time to discuss how you are communicating. You set the boundary that each person will have time to talk, and that no one can interrupt anyone. You then let them talk without interrupting, and you keep encouraging them to say more. If there are issues you need to address, you make quick notes, but don't interrupt, roll your eyes, sigh, or anything else... just listen openly. Once they are done, you respond. They will almost certainly try to interrupt, and you gently remind them that you allowed them to speak and you'd like the same privilege. If they don't agree, you simply say "I guess we can't have this conversation, so I'm setting a boundary that I don't want to communicate until we can have this conversation respectfully among all of us." And then... get up and walk out of the room. No anger, no drama, just setting and keeping a boundary. My guess is most of the issues with your family revolve around boundaries (or lack thereof). It's not easy to set them with people who have none, but as you start to do so, if you hold firm, eventually, things will change. They'll fight, cajole, guilt, and use every other trick in the book to violate your boundaries... but if you gently and compassionately hold firm, eventually they'll have to honor your boundaries. Gould's book goes into a lot more detail, and explains how emotions hijack responses, and ways to get back into a reasonable conversation. It's really worth the read.
Thanks Chip. I am avid book reader so I probably will check it out. You have no idea about the messed boundaries in my family lol they are crazy. My sister is 26, married with a kid and texts my mom her everyday activities so does my little sister who is 19 almost 20. There is no boundaries and she will have to learn the hard way that I want healthy boundaries. Every time I nicely stand up to my mom my sisters become defensive. But my dad is actually treated the same way. See my mom was brought with strict Catholic parents who watch their children's every move and my dad was brought up with parents who did not give a care in the world about what their children were doing. Now of course both aspects can be unhealthy but I can see why my mom and dad are too totally different people in that respect. My dad even said to my mom last that her nagging is rude and she was speechless. And when my dad disagrees with me my mom gives him a look like "good job". It is kind of sickening
