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Can anyone with LDR experience please advise

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by HBI, May 30, 2015.

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  1. HBI

    HBI
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    TIA
    I have been in an LDR for over a year. It's had it's ups and downs, such as keeping our relationship secret, or her parents will disown her. I visited her and asked who knew I was there. She said one friend because my visit is supposed to be a secret. And the thing that almost made me end it was telling her, I love her, and her not saying it back. She's over a decade younger than me, and I believe she fears her parents and siblings, but she is an adult.
    Anyway, that's the background. When I was with her, she said we'd discuss her visiting me. We never did. I was going to bring it up, but before I could, she told me she was planning a trip with friends, and visiting family here. I asked what's your plan for coming to see me. She doesn't have one, and doesn't know when she will be able to visit. I'm angry, hurt, disappointed. She often has to be told how her actions make others feel, she seems unable to do that on her own. How can I let her know how I feel? Is it OK to say that you wanted to discuss it which made me think you had a plan? Is it OK to say that I'm disappointed, and thought that my flying around the world, and taking that huge relationship step meant coming to see me would be a priority in terms of trips, not a trip with your friends. She says she can't see me when she visits f amity out of fear they will find out. Other than these hurdles, 90% of our relationship is truly great. I don't know why she can't say I love you, but I feel like she does. She treats me like she does, and tells me so many things that are essentially saying I love you. She told me she cares about more than anyone else, that she doesn't want to be with anyone else, and I have her heart. So, I want to see where this relationship will go. But I'm not comfortable letting anyone know I'm disappointed. So any tips about discussing her visiting me are appreciated.
     
    #1 HBI, May 30, 2015
  2. CCcharges

    CCcharges
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    First off, since you are in an LDR, is she from a country with a very different culture from your own? Or does her family have traditional values, or ones that are very different from your own? This could be the source of her anxiety, since her family seems to be very controlling over her love life. I had a friend who was in that exact same position, and was in an LDR with a boy who could not visit her because her family would find out, and she could not leave the house to go visit him, because she was always on such heavy watch. Our friendship is also long distance, though we did live near each other when we were kids, so we were able to be friends through phone, internet, etc. She has since moved out and moved in with her current boyfriend, a different one and he lives near her family's house.

    I'm currently in a temporary LDR, with my boyfriend who lives near me at home while I study abroad in Japan. I'm actually about to head home in a couple days <:grin:

    It is possible that she is under a lot of stress at home, and she feels reluctant to meet you because if she attempts to see you and is found out, the entire relationship could be cut off and she won't be able to even have contact with you the way you do now. That's the way it was with my friend and her LDR.

    As for the way you feel about her tiptoeing around love and your visits, communication is always important! Let her know how you're feeling, and make sure that your conversation is on equal footing so that she doesn't feel attacked or pressured. The last thing someone wants to hear is "Let's talk," and then you dump your emotions on them. It should be a give-take conversation, where you both talk about each other's feelings :3 Definitely discuss how much of a priority she is to you, and see if maybe there is something inhibiting her from being able to make you a priority in trips, too!

    I hope this helped~ <3
     
    #2 CCcharges, May 30, 2015
  3. HBI

    HBI
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    Thanks. This response calms my nerves. There are huge cultural differences. She's SE Asian. She seems to defy a lot of what I've read from respectable websites, about her culture. That's what I find confusing. She's definitely under her parents' thumbs, which culturally seems common, but in other ways she defies what her culture expects from her. I think it's her asserting herself to an extent and rebelling as well. But I won't stand for being someone's dirty little secret. But, I don't think that's the case. I'm her first girlfriend.
     
    #3 HBI, May 30, 2015
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