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Daddy issues becoming relationship issues

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by woahthatsboring, May 30, 2015.

  1. woahthatsboring

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    Everyone blames their father for most things wrong in their life, right? Well, maybe just me sadly :dry: I've had my father in my life 3/4 of the time. The other 1/4 I've watched him chase women, drinks, and money.

    The sad thing is, I'm afraid one day I'm going to become him.

    You know, the whole neglecting my family for money party with secret one night "hook-ups". I joked to one of my friends, that cheating wasn't so bad if you didn't do it all the day and he said "Dude, that's fucked up. I'm a dick and I wouldn't even cheat". That made me think. Wow. I am pretty fucked up. I think cheating is justifiable :bang:. I'm pretty much am my father. It's scary. I've watched my parents through a terrible diviorce and I feel like at this point of my life I should be thinking about settling down into a relationship but I'm scared of being incapable of "actual love" with anyone. I'm turning 20 next year and I'm in college, most of my close friends are in a relationship but I can't even think of settling down. Whenever, someone gets close to me I instantly push away.

    I was with a guy for a while but it didn't work out because we were too different, then I was kind of "with" this girl two months ago until I snapped at her and she stopped calling me. I guess I should be happy that I'm not settled anywhere but I want to be with someone and not have the fear that one day I'll pay more attention to my career than them. I feel like a Hallmark movie :eusa_doh: but this is my life and I don't know how to grow from here. I want to make it up to that girl but I can't even get her to say two words to me without it being forced :help:
     
  2. Jax12

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    I'm concerned that my daddy issues will transfer into my future relationship as well. Now that I'm seeing a guy, I can see lots of patterns where I follow my dad's footsteps.

    You aren't alone.
     
  3. Synthetik

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    Okay, so. My father is a horrible fucking person, and I've put a lot of conscious, continual effort into not becoming his sociopathic prodigy.

    The thing I found that helped the most was not to simply behave in the opposite manner, but to analyze the specific reasons why his actions are always so hurtful and damaging to everyone around him, and ensure that my motivations for my behavior are genuinely unlike his. For example, my father often offers to help people (mostly financially), which in-itself is not a bad thing, but he then uses any instance of goodwill on his part to subtly extort and manipulate the recipient in a variety of subversive ways. He also often marries a very young woman -- again, not necessarily a bad thing -- and then exhibits various forms of infidelity -- probably usually a bad thing but not exclusively unjustifiable -- because it makes him feel powerful and superior, while I hang around picking up the pieces of a young wife's shattered dreams. Holy shit I fucking hate my fucking father.

    Uh, where was I? Yes, the more you understand about the reasons driving your father's behavior, the more you will be able to differentiate your needs as an individual person from the needs you witnessed him desperately and pathetically seeking to meet, and that you do not necessarily share his needs despite the fact that you grew up accepting them. You will realize that just because you learned about how people (fail to) manage their relationships from this one major person in your life, it doesn't mean you want to be in relationships for the same reasons.

    For example, there's nothing wrong with preferring a career over a long-term relationship; that is your prerogative, as a person, to choose a lifestyle that suits you. The important thing is not to pretend that any relationship you may have should supersede your career, if the career is truly what you value in life. Alternatively, there's nothing wrong with having a series of non-monogamous relationships, if the idea of committing to a single individual doesn't seem fulfilling to you; again, these are lifestyle choices that are entirely your prerogative, and all that matters is your honesty about them. "Actual love" can manifest in a huge variety of ways, as this forum itself clearly demonstrates, and it's possible for you to find a method that suits you as an individual even if it doesn't conform to previously-held beliefs about 'the way things should be.'

    Honesty, both with themselves and their life pursuits, is what our fathers are lacking; this is what makes them reprehensible individuals. As long as you remain honest with yourself and the people in your life, even when it fucking hurts, when admitting the truth seems agonizing, you can never sink to your father's level.
     
    #3 Synthetik, May 30, 2015
    Last edited: May 30, 2015