I was debating whether or not to put this is physical/sexual help, but I felt that it more pertains to the relationship impact it had. Any help with the physical aspect would be appreciated too. So here's the run down of the situation: I met this guy through a friend who goes to college with him. Instantly, we hit it off. We decided to go out on a date to a nice restaurant. We had so much in common, and the conversation flowed beautifully. Long story short, the date led to something else. But for the first time, I experienced extreme performance anxiety. He was understanding and said we can try again later. Fast forward to our second date when the exact same thing happened. Had this happened farther down the line, I wouldn't mind it. But since this is his first impression of me, I'm absolutely devastated. He kept telling me that it's fine, but undoubtably he is annoyed. In complete honesty, I am not expecting a third date. I feel awful about it. I actually liked this guy. I guess my question is, do I talk to him about it? Do I move on? Do I calm down and hope this goes away? I am so depressed at the moment.
This may be beyond my expertise but here are some inputs. Yes, calm down and don't be depressed about it. This is not going to go away by itself. You should openly discuss this with him. If he is really interested in you, this is something he should understand and work with you. The bottom line is, you should feel comfortable doing wtv you are doing with him, not anxious. Don't think too much and just be yourself.
Dutch courage -- it might not be the healthiest idea (opinions vary) but IMO a small amount of alcohol (e.g.: 1 or 2 glasses of wine) can reduce anxiety. Larger amounts also reduce performance so don't overdo it. Also if performance anxiety wasn't such a vicious circle where "over-thinking" just made it worse, then it wouldn't be a billion dollar industry with expensive advertising campaigns to constantly remind men...
I'd say alcohol is a pretty good one - just not too much! You say conversation flowed beautifully etc., but then there was performance anxiety? I'm a girl so I guess I can't really relate to that, but does that mean you were consciously anxious of something at the time? Or did you think you felt ok about what was happening and it turns out things weren't ok...?
No, no, no. Alcohol is not the answer for a variety of reasons. The last thing you want to do is start a process of conditioning your unconscious to believe that you need any drug in order to have sex. First, this sort of situation is very, very common, particularly when it is someone where you feel a strong investment in having it work. It's an ironic thing, but because you want to be at your best, you end up nervous. Sexual arousal is a complicated interaction between physical, mental, and emotional and all have to be in sync for everything to work right... And simply taking time and trusting yourself and him is how you solve the problem. A good friend of mine was in a new relationship and ha difficulty with arousal for a coup,e of months into the relationship. His partner was wonderful and loving and understanding and the issue eventually resolved itself... As it will with yours. So the solution is... Authenticity and openness. Have a conversation, tell him how strongly you feel, and that because you want to make it work, you feel anxiety about it... Which, in turn, is causing the problem. It's likely your partner has either experienced this himself or had it happen in other situations. I think you will find that once you both talk about it openly, you will feel the performance anxiety start to go away, and after a few more days at the most, things will start to change. That is a much, much better solution than starting to train your brain that you need something to relax in order to have sex. That's a very dangerous message to send.
Thank you all for your quick and helpful responses. I do agree with Chip the most, though. Not only because of the alcohol thing (which actually I had a bit in me both times. Not too much though), but because of the investment. The other guys I've been with haven't caused me to be as invested, whereas this one was different. The only problem here is the delicacy of the situation. I don't want to come right out and tell him how I feel because if he isn't looking that far ahead yet, it might freak him out. However, I do need to talk it out with him. We've only been on two dates and have known each other max 3 weeks. Should I text him later today about it, or just let bygones be bygones and let it stay in the past while I work up the trust between us?
Okay, so he probably is a little disapponted that things didn't go as planned. That's normal if you like someone and you have ideas about how things should go in the bedroom but they don't turn out that way, so don't beat yourself up thinking he is annoyed and things are over. It sounds like he's a pretty sweet and patient guy for all the reassurance he's giving you. That's something to bear in mind and something hold on to. It's normal to feel some anxiety. Was it your first time? When I had my first time, it was a few weeks after saying "I wasn't ready" when I just thought "what the heck.." and did it. I was glad I had laid some boundaries down because when it happened I felt comfortable and enjoyed the experience a lot. I can't tell you whether you should bring it up with him or not because it's entirely your prerogative. However if I was you I would save bedroom talk for the bedroom -- bringing these matters up to 'talk' can turn something fun into something serious and affect the dynamic of the relationship. What you can do in the mean time is work on building the chemistry between you two. He sounds like a great guy and you said you liked him so spend time focussing on that. Learn to enjoy the other aspects of a relationship: the company, kissing, hugging, sharing experiences, etc. You'll soon feel more comfortable and the rest will come naturally. Take it at whatever pace feels right to you, but also try to stretch the boundaries of your comfort zone.
Update: he did text me. Nothing about a next time, but he was friendly. The odd thing is no. This is not my first time. However, after thinking about it, it's my first time with someone I actually deeply care about. What's even worse is that he lives in NY and I live in IL. Sure we see each other when he is at school while I'm at home and vice versa, but majority of the time we'll be 700 miles apart. When he goes back home, I have a feeling this thing we have will not work out. Any sort of actual relationship with him will be risky, unstable, and impractical. And I think that is what is making me nervous even more. I know it's temporary, but deep down I don't want it to be. Either way, whether we have another date or not, I lose. :icon_sad:
Okay, so I've never been good in these sorts of situations. Maybe I can get some input: We haven't really talked much since the last date and he didn't respond to my text (which was an actual question rather than "hey!") until a day after I sent it. Yes I realize he may have been busy. It's just something I felt obligated to point out. The response was friendly as opposed to forced. But anyways, I don't know what I should do. I can't tell if he is just being friendly or he still has a bit of interest. Should I continue to try and talk to him or should I throw in the towel? In all honesty, there's nothing serious that's going to happen between us, so I'm not sure if one last "chance" will be worth anything. Would I still like to have another date? Of course. I guess I'm confused about my feelings on the topic.
I'm thinking: Eww!... Not that old situation again! Unfortunately, anxiety can permeate deep into your actions. Even as you post here asking for advice, you might have this fear running through your mind that you need to find something out, to learn something that will help you avoid some terrible sense of loss. People do sense it, and they unfairly label it desperation (without having the full picture) and they "run for the hills". Don't let yourself be pushed around by your own fear. Which option sounds like it could be more fun?
I absolutely love this quote. Maybe I'll change my signature to that and cite you. Bu you're absolutely right. I tend to let my fear decide my actions and make or break my relationships. I was extremely anxious when writing that post, so I'm glad you caught on haha. The fear aside, continuing to talk to him would be more fun regardless of where it goes. So I guess I have my answer now. Thank you
I can't tell if I made the right choice or just a huge mistake. I was at my friend's birthday party last night and this same guy was there. In the beginning, he gave me awkward "hello"s every time he saw me. Then it got to flirtatious as the night progressed. Everything was fine until he ex showed up with his friend. The guy I liked turned his attention away from me and started to what I assumed was flirt with this friend. Needless to say my mood changed. We got back to my friends dorm and something changed. The guy I like stopped flirting with the other guy and began flirting with me. I could tell he wanted something to happen, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I left without even saying goodbye. He texted me asking me where I went. Not only that, but he texted my friend who I brought with to the party (who he doesn't even know) asking where I went. I told him I left because I was tired. He immediately responded saying he was sorry for being "aloof" and not making a move on me. He just didn't want to do it in public. I told him it was fine and the maybe we'd run into each other sometime again. Essentially, I told him I probably won't see him until he leaves for his home. I can tell he was hurt when I left, and I was even more hurt that I left. But my wishful thinking is trying to tell me that it was for the best. :tears: TL;DR I broke it off with this guy by leaving him at a party without saying goodbye. Now we're both hurt by it. I don't know what to do. Do I try to reestablish contact with him and keep texting him? Or do I just let this ruminate until it eventually dies out? Important Notes: No, he is not the kind of person to go from guy to guy at a party. No, he wasn't drunk. Yes, I still have feelings. No, I don't know if he has actual feelings for me. He leaves Saturday and I will not see him again until next year.
So here's where Brené Brown's work on Daring Greatly comes in to play. You can put yourself out there. You can text him and tell him exactly what you've just said to us... that you were hurt, that you left without saying goodbye because you were hurt, and that you are still interested and hope he is too, but you're also scared. That's a really brave and really vulnerable step to take. The research on courage and vulnerability says that vulnerability is the first thing we want to see in others, but the last thing we want to show anyone. So someone has to show it first. Now... you could do this and he could respond with anger or hurt or just plain ignore you. And if he does... that will hurt. But that's a big part of, as Brené describes it, Daring Greatly. On the other hand, he could step up to the plate, really appreciate your openness and honesty and it could lead to something powerful and real for both of you. There's no right or wrong answer here. It's what you are comfortable with doing.
I feel like I should be honest with him. I want to be honest with him. But I just cannot bring myself to be fully vulnerable. I still fear getting hurt. Maybe this is the chance that will prove to me not all emotional situations end with hurt. Also, I don't want to come off as the over emotional jealous guy (even though that is exactly what I am being right now). That's why I didn't say anything to him at the party nor even mention it when he texted me that night apologizing. I pretended like I just brushed it off. That I didn't care enough to stick around and wait for my time. That I had more important things to worry about. That I didn't constantly think about it on my drive home. I've always been a coward with my feelings. I admit that. I hate that. I even contemplated driving back tonight and confronting him in person about it. But again, I am too much of a coward with my feelings to do so. Sorry if this all is a big mess of thoughts. I just can't find a way to organize it at the time. But that's usually when my thoughts are most genuine.
