Okay so my Dad (who ironically has a PhD in English literature from Harvard) is kind of an ignorant biggot. I say he is ignorant because his views are archaic and out of date. I won't go into them specifically here but suffice it to say that he is very very extreme in his views. I know he loves me, but he has never showed it. He doesn't appear to have any true friends, except for one, who is a birdwatching friend of his. I guess my question is how should I go about viewing the relationship? Should I try to distance myself from him? Keep in mind I have spent my whole life looking up to him and have been influenced by his ways (which is part of the reason why I had such a hard time coming out - has taken me over 7 years). At this point I really don't want to have much to do with him, because he is just so extreme. They say there is no such thing as bad students, just bad teachers. I feel like in some ways he has been a negative teacher to me, because his views don't really work in the real world. He is knowledgeable when it comes to history, literature, and philosophy, in a way, but he is just so crippled socially. Help! I really have no idea what to do about him. I want a Dad, but I am afraid of getting damaged further.
I think you are viewing this problem with your Dad as one that you have to struggle to overcome, when the reverse is true. The struggle is his. You cannot change your Dad, his attitude or opinions, but you can decide to be the better person (not hard when you consider his poor standard of parenting) and live life on your own terms, whilst inviting him to share in it - if he so wishes. Don't argue with him or exlude him from your life, as that puts you on the same level as him but don't bow to him either because you owe him nothing. If you make the offer for him to participate in your future - however it may be - he will have to decide between having a relationship with you or a relationship with his prejudice and anxiety. It's his choice to make, but at least you have extended your hand to him. Put the onus on him and let him struggle to make the right choice. If he makes the wrong choice at least you tried.
Physically or emotionally? Reducing the amount of contact and that so-called "quality time" could help, but there's also the anger. If strong emotions are forcing you do things, then that's not really distancing yourself. That said, who doesn't have strings attached to their emotions? If your gut is telling you that you need to find some head-space away from family, then just go with it, and 'distance' may come with time. I think that you're angry at yourself, for various reasons like allowing yourself to get 'fooled', or for being "strung along" for such a long time before confronting issues that you two disagree on. You might find that it's not so much the "getting fooled" part as holding yourself to such a high standard that it's hard to deal with if you do get fooled.
