I really hoped this wouldn't happen, PLEASE help me out guys. I met up with a guy last year, when I wasn't really out yet. I had feelings for him fast, but when he had to choose between me and the other guy, basically I told him to be with the man that he had known for a while (biggest sacrifice I made). Now fast forward. We're having a chat, asking each other how we're doing, and when he said I could come over for a threesome with his partner. I told him that I didn't want to because I have feelings for him. I thought he would be like "oh okay, I understand. Let's just stay as friends." That's why I told him, but boy was I wrong... Worst idea ever. He didn't know I had feelings for him, and I didn't know he felt the same. We both want to meet up with each other for coffee and oddly enough, we both hope that it'll be more than that. Now I have all these feelings flooding back and I don't want it, I really don't... Please guys help me out what do I do...
Stop resisting and just go on the date. You were at a different comfort level when you "gave up" last time. This is a genuine second chance, so just do and say what you wanted to tell him. Think of it as meeting him for the first time.
You can't choose who you fall in love with unfortunately. If you don't want to be with him, don't meet him. It's okay to say "I don't want to meet you because I'm still trying to get over you". However I'm confused to what your issue is here. You say that you want to meet up, you hope it will lead to more than friends. But you also say that you don't.. Why don't you want it to be more than friends? If you care to hear my personal opinion and feel like you can handle a little criticism, open and read this. Spoiler Please know this is not intended to be mallicious but to help you. Spoiler I don't want to pass judgment or dictate your life, but judging by all the number of threads you've been making and the issues you've been listing on there, I think you need to change the way you act. It all seems a bit short-sighted to me. You even say in your signature that you don't think about the future, that sounds like you act a bit recklessly. I think you need to take things a little slower and step away from relationships and hookups until you're emotionally able to handle them.
If I'm understanding this correctly, Jax is saying that the other guy is partnered. As such, going on a date (and whatever else that might grow out of that) would be cheating. Which he presumably doesn't want to do. Assuming that is the case, then your options would seem to be.. A) determine if the guy is in an open relationship, presumably from his partner as a 'disinterested' third party. B) decide if you could also have feelings for the partner and consider forming a threeway relationship with them. C) don't do the date since it will not lead to you being happy, from what I can see. I really just included the first two for sake of completeness. From what you've posted here and elsewhere, I don't get a sense they would work for you (even assuming they would work for the other two people involved). Then again, I don't really know you or all the details and dynamics of your situation. So, I could be wrong. Assuming I'm not, If and when this guy breaks up with his partner and is single again, you might consider a relationship. But I'd note that this guy presumably has, or had, feelings for his partner to begin with and is now making noises of getting together with you while that relationship is still going. So be careful, because that kind of thing can be a repeat performance. Todd
Thanks for the responses guys. Something I must clarify is that he is with his boyfriend right now, as so am I. We've both been trying to move on with our lives but it seems we were both going through the same difficulty; we could not forget each other. @Sek, I appreciate your opinion. I think with these past meets with guys there's something in searching yet I don't know what. I am trying to take it slow, which is why I've stopped meeting with people for sex. What I was trying say is that I do want to meet with him, yet at the same time I do no want to destroy what we have. Surely you must understand that right? For two people to want each other yet the circumstances do no allow it. I want us to be more than friends yet I understand that may not happen. What is it exactly that I need to change? Needing advice here. Should I stop meeting with people in general? @AKTodd, you are correct that he is with someone at the moment. The options you stated are the ones that I've thought of. I'm in such a bad position now.
Ask yourself if you want to suffer. And listen to your own answer. Then ask yourself what would you think of somebody saying that. I wouldn't talk to that guy anymore, I've been there... Kind of... Didn't ended up well.. To be honest, I'm still struggling to convince myself that the whole thing wasn't worth it, and we are talking about something that happened 16 years ago. The game is dangerous... We notice we lost something only when it's too late to recover it. Take good care of yourself.
I'm suffering as it is. Things will not end well either way. I'm so frustrated right now. I don't want to forget him because I liked him from the very start... Ahhh, damn it. This is all too hard, I feel like I'm going to explode.
The bottom line is that if you try to pursue this, you are going to end up hurting two other people - his BF and yours. I am assuming (perhaps erroneously) that both you and he have feelings for your respective BFs. Are you really prepared to hurt people you (presumably) care about for the sake of what might be? You said this guy wanted to do a three-way with him and his partner. Did his partner know about this or is all this conversation going on behind his back? And what about your (new, I gather) BF? Are you guys in an open relationship? Was this going to be a 4-way with all of you taking part? Or are you already doing things behind his back? At the end of the day, you can indeed make it happen with this guy right now. All you have to do is blow up two relationships (which I am ass-u-me-ing are in good shape as far as your BFs are concerned), hurt two people who presumably don't deserve it, and then start a new relationship with this guy - and hope neither of you decides that you want to do it again for someone else down the line (say the following year. Or month). Sorry if this sounds harsh, but really I think we need to cut through all the bullshit and lay it on the table. The other option is to let him go and move on with your life with your BF. If, at some point in the future, things don't work out for you and you end up single, and it turns out that this guy is also single at that time, then maybe you see if the chemistry is still there. But tossing both your relationships overboard when they are presumably working so you can try things together...doesn't seem like the best option to me. My 2c worth, Todd
First of all, you are not harsh. I want the truth, and I know exactly what it is; it starts with cutting off the connection with him. I knew from the start things were gonna turn out bad, and I know this is what I have to do; let him go. I will most certainly move on with my life. I'm done trying to expect something when nothing is going to happen. I've blocked him on the app, and deleted his number (should have blocked his number actually but oh well). I finally realize the truth. I sound like a monster for turning so cold all of a sudden, but I have to do it.
It's pretty simple in my eyes -- don't cheat. You'll hurt someone who doesn't deserve it, and for what? A few moments of passion? If this guy is willing to cheat on his boyfriend he'll be willing to do the same to you.
Jax, you made the right choice. Integrity and honoring another person's relationship --even if the other person doesn't -- is the right choice.
It's so hard... I want to forget him. Even the possibility of getting back with him is pissing me off. I don't want to think about him, and I wish I never even knew him. What can I do guys? This is all too new for me and I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with it.
Breath. Grieve. Listen to sad songs. Eat chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Cry. In time the pain will fade (speaking from experience here). It helps if you concentrate on the positive things in your life. Things that make you smile. Things that make you laugh. Your boyfriend. It will get better. (*hug*) Todd
