Okay, I came here because since this March I started questioning myself and now I am pretty sure I am bisexual and it's pretty hard to accept for me. I am part of a large company of friends and since March I started focusing myself on two friends of mine, one who is strongly homophobic and the other one who ...would make questioning everybody about him ... This second one is the only one of the whole company that lives so near to me... When we started hanging out on evenings I started questioning myself and why I was so eager to see him, I developed significant attachment and affection to him during those 3 months and the other friends are starting to really notice this fact. He Made me discover I am bisexual, simply for the fact that I get a boner for both and I am sensitive to beauty in both sexes. Us two are very different, he is good looking and I look exactly like a tipical nerd. The difficulty stays in the difference of age because we are 4 years apart and I am the older. I started seeing more and more signs about him, more and more what's would be called tipical flirting over the weeks.s I will be coming back for the whole story I feel like I need advice
I was pretty much indifferent to him before the time when I started going to his home and hanging out at night with our other friend... Since we two live near eachother when we get back home we are always alone, and this is where it all started. The strongest signal I got from him was that he randomly took my hand and hold it for a while justifying himself with a little " jumping dance ". This was on the second hangout. There was Also a good night hug when he was a little bit drunk and he wouldn't let go so we almost fell on each other. Nothing weird for a while apart from the unusual level of sympathy that was developing between us. Than, he asked me out very late into the night just before midnight since he was alone. He wanted to get into my house but we stayed near the door for maybe an hour. That was the day I started feeling un usually close to him, and I felt this " surprise meeting " was cool. He seemed to be very affectionate to me. I have an empty apartment - hosting place above my family apartment and he wanted to get there but it was too late into the night for me to be able to let him come there. He occasionaly hangs out with two girls but nothing ever happens with them, friends sometime comment about this because nothing productive in terms of relationship development comes out of it, and he always call them just friends. He usually comments on some girl when we are in a group situation. On his birthday we ended up spending most of it at his house alone, and we usually play fighting and he is mostly touchy- feely always finding a way to touch hands, shoulders, breast Sometime he doesn't give me much attention in a group situation but there is always some brief moments in which he does and says things no straight guy would ever say and the level of it is increasing, day by day, like the " put the d*** inside me " when we were on the same Bike for a short while. At home he is always shirtless...and everytime he has to wear and prepare to get out there is always some thing that he says, with that weird smile. Today something came out, increasing the intensity of the whole of it. I had some issue to confide with him, and after another " fighting game " he wanted to put his shirt off and he touched my breast and said " can we go in bed together ? " with that weird smile...and I asked " why do you ask me those things? " and he replied looking me into the eyes " Because I am gay " and this is the first time he says that, even if he Made it sound like a joke he looked into my eyes and saw my " Wow " kind of reaction on my face and I joked and said " you are so inviting " ... I am starting to feel dirty and guilty about my body liking him so much conflicting with a mind that tries to not freak out and I really am becoming anxious and overdriving my mind because I just feel he could come out and jump on me, kissing me by surprise any day now, since the intensity of the " looks like flirting " is increasing every time we have a moment alone. He even moves his lips like a kiss and when I do something good for him he says that he loves me. I am afraid that I won't be able to control myself and we really start making out, a thing that would pretty much send my mind into complete meltdown, because this is too much weird for me, since 3 months ago I had no doubt I was straight, given that I am known to obsess over girls and once I masturbated while talking on the phone with a girl. I don' t want to lose his friendship, I don't want to feel like I am in love with him because I should feel this thing for a girl. But I cannot stop thinking about all of this. My friends are starting to notice that I am weirder Than usual, always thinking about something that nobody knows. At the same time I don' t want to make my friend feel bad, because I feel he really is gay and has to hide this from everybody, and I can only imagine how hard it is for him, and I don't know if I should let him experimenting with me. Why it has to be me? I am in conflict with my body.
Maybe you should try talking to this friend about it. Tell him you are accepting and maybe even come out to him that you are bisexual. But also tell him you need time to get used to your own sexuality and that's why you don't feel comfortable doing anything with him yet. Don't feel rushed. It takes time to get used to things like this and you should take that time for yourself, even if he likes you. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. But maybe if you are honest with him about it, you guys could talk about it more since you are both going through a similar thing. Having someone like you to talk to about it could help you feel more comfortable with your sexuality. I hope this helps. Good luck!
I actually don't accept this side of me I wasn't even aware of before march this year. I want to mary a girl and have a normal family. My parents would kill me even for thinking about a different way to live my sexuality. One of my best friends is strongly homophobic and my country's society does not accept any of this behavior. My body wants him, my mind feels it as repulsive, absurd and unreal. I Also suffer from panic attacks since 7 years and I fought so much to get over it but at least twice a year I get into panic. Last time this year I was alone and I had the strongest panic attack ever had, still haunting me. My life cannot carry the weight of this thing, if something actually happens, and I cannot control myself, it will have to be just a momentary phase.
