1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Advice on managing a relationship with a closeted guy?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Sek, Jun 1, 2015.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. Sek

    Sek
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2014
    Messages:
    372
    Likes Received:
    2
    The problem isn't exactly that he is closeted -- that I can live with. It's that he comes from a very traditional background where anything other than the norm is heavily stigmatised and mocked, including (you guessed it..) being gay.

    So as a result of his traditional background where everyone knows everyone and there is little privacy, he has been raised to seek the approval of others and fit in.

    He told me that he wasn't exclusively gay but that it was about the person. I accepted it then but later I questioned it. Why would he seek a gay relationship if he could equally well pursue a straight one and avoid the social stigmas and problems that come with homosexuality? He also told me that he used to date a woman but things ended because in the bedroom things were awkward. I don't feel like I truly know his sexuality because there are questions in my mind.

    What makes me uncomfortable is him making comments about women which I read as trying to come across as straight (he even sometimes does this when we're alone) as well as making ambiguous posts with the women in his life on facebook that could be interpreted as him being in a relationship or hooking up with them.

    Obviously this makes me feel a bit upset for a few reasons. It makes me feel like he will never be honest about our relationship to others because he will fear rejection. It makes me feel less valued when he publically shares ambiguous things with women yet doesn't ever mention me. It also raises suspicions in my mind about cheating because of the lack of clarity of his sexuality and these posts. Although I trust him it still causes my mind to wonder.

    Not only does it hurt me personally but it hurts me to think that he fears being rejected if he's open. I want to support him and help ease him through this so he will stop seeking the approval of others who wouldn't give it to him if he was honest with his sexuality.

    Does anyone have advice, experience or thoughts to help me here?
     
    #1 Sek, Jun 1, 2015
  2. Gen

    Gen
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2012
    Messages:
    4,070
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Nowhere
    Simply because you are understanding of the way he is going about his life does not mean that you have to entwine it with your own. Psychology, there is plenty that I can rationalize, justify, and understand; however, there is still a clear line between the things that I will put up with in a partner and the things I won't.

    Support does not mean endless loyalty and tolerance. It means that we agree to offer help to those around us that seek it. He is not seeking help. He is not looking for advice or guidance. We can only hope that the time will come when he does make changes and attempt to live an honest life, but he must just to begin that journey on his own. It can be anywhere from months, to years, to decades. You, however, don't have that time. This is not your burden to bear and you have a right to be in a relationship where you are respected and cherished.

    Bring these emotions to his attention. Let him know that there is no judgment and he will always have an ally in you if he needs to turn to one, but living this lying is not something that you want to mold your life around.
     
    #2 Gen, Jun 1, 2015
  3. Sek

    Sek
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2014
    Messages:
    372
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gen, I agree with what you say and you offer an interesting insight. But I care about him to a point where I wouldn't abandon him just because he hasn't yet made the first steps. Perhaps if things were at a point where every aspect of our relationship were confined by him being closeted, I would take your advice. However, we have a functional relationship when it comes down to the two of us - we go on dates and do average things couples do. The blurred line comes where his family/friends back home are concerned.

    I will stick by him and be an ally for him as I would hope he would do for me. I'm too loyal of a person to do otherwise. My hope is that I am able to see him through this journey and help him along the way. You are right that it is his to make on his own when he chooses so I will honour that by not throwing an ultimatum on him right now. I will just let him know that he has a support system in me and maybe bring up the topic of coming out next time I can. It came up once before and the chat went really well, so hopefully lightning will strike twice here.
     
    #3 Sek, Jun 1, 2015
  4. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,559
    Likes Received:
    4,757
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There are a couple of issues here, but I suspect, based on your comments to Get, that you won't really be interested in hearing them. Nonetheless, I'll offer them up.

    First, being in a relationship with someone and hoping/expecting them to change is a recipe for unhappiness. It is also codependent. In other words, it's not healthy at all.

    Second, over time, it has severe impact on your self esteem and shame because, essentially, you are relegated to second-class status. You are invisible to his family, and he isn't willing to share you and the relationship you have with others who are important to him. This, in turn, creates a sense of 'not belonging' and 'not being good enough' that lives constantly in your in unconscious. And, of course, he's got a ton of shame that he's dealing with that is going to really interfere with his self esteem and his ability to connect fully, deeply, and vulnerably with you.

    Now... If he is actively willing to work on the issue and is willing to commit to coming out on a documentable timeline (even if it's 6 months or a year... With regular milestones), that's a sign that he's willing to step up and do his self-work. Even that means enormous patience on your part. But If he isn't willing to commit to that... You are basically setting yourself up for frustration, resentment and heartache.

    If it is a healthy relationship, then both of you get to ask for what you need, and develop an understanding that moves you both in a direction of growth. Simply being an ever-patient ally is not being in a healthy, interdependent relationship, nor is it being loyal. True loyalty, in terms of friendship, is being true and present for yourself and for him, and ensuring that both of you get what you need. If you can't get that, then real loyalty is taking care of yourself and supporting him as a friend, but not enabling his continued unhealthy, closeted behavior by staying in an unhealthy relationship.
     
    #4 Chip, Jun 3, 2015
  5. robclem21

    robclem21
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2011
    Messages:
    724
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto, Ontario
    I can second the fact that these 3 things are 100% true from experience. It didn't end well to say the least and looking back, handling it this way was pretty damaging to both of us.
     
    #5 robclem21, Jun 3, 2015
  6. Aspen

    Aspen
    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2014
    Messages:
    1,471
    Likes Received:
    239
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It sounds like he might be questioning his own sexuality, in which case it's not your job to try to categorize it for him. People can also have preferences within their sexuality. I'm bisexual and it would be far easier with my family for me to date a man, but I fell in love with a woman.

    Talk to him about how you feel about him being closeted. Be clear that you don't expect him to come out right now (as long as that's true) but that you don't want to be a secret forever. It can be hard to come out to family, especially if you know they're going to reject you. I'm not sure what his situation is, but this is especially true if the family is close or if someone is financially dependent on them in any way. Also talk to him about his Facebook posts and how they make you feel. He may not even realize how he's coming across or he might be overcompensating.
     
    #6 Aspen, Jun 3, 2015
  7. Sek

    Sek
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2014
    Messages:
    372
    Likes Received:
    2
    Chip, robclem21 and Aspen -- your responses have opened my eyes and I thank you for sharing your wisdom with me. I guess my understanding of loyalty is a little blinded by my affection for him. After all, I want him to be happy.

    Not only would I be affecting myself by being a ever-patient ally to support him, but I would in turn be affecting him by creating an unhealthy relationship which would lead to arguments and possibly ending the relationship. I guess I owe it to both of us to build our futures on a stronger foundation.

    Like I said before, I will bring up coming out next time we're together, perhaps incorporating Gen's phrase "not something want to mold [my] life around". We did have a chat once involving coming out in which he said his family were suspicious, for example by saying "girlfriend or boyfriend" rather than just "girlfriend". But I worry he's digging himself a deeper and deeper hole by continuing to reinforce his sole heterosexuality that he will find more difficult to get out of as time goes on. If that's how it is as time goes on then I will walk away.
     
    #7 Sek, Jun 3, 2015
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)