Hi... I'm new to EC and posting on forums in general, but I thought I might as well go for it. So here it is... I'm 29 and I met Casey, when I was 16. We went to the same high school, had the same group of friends, wound up in the same university, were roommates and traveled abroad to the same country for grad school. I guess soon after I met Casey, I fell in love with her, but I didn't realize this until I was 20 years old. At that point though, I didn't accept that I was in love because being from a very religious country and a conservative family, I considered myself to be straight. So, time went on, we continued to be friends and I continued to struggle with the way I felt for her. After grad school we both moved back to our home countries and a few years later, age 26, I met Tina. Tina was the one to "open up my world". She was a lesbian, she told me she was pretty certain I was one too and that she had a crush on me. To be honest I liked her, but I tried my best to "stay straight" and not get into anything with girls. Unfortunately, my mind was weaker than my body and one fateful night, with the help of some vodka, we hooked up. We ended up dating (in secret, not telling any family and only 4 friends between us) for 3 years. That was the longest relationship I have ever had. We had told each other that we loved one another, but eventually, I had to admit to Tina that I didn't love her as much as she loved me. Our relationship had its fair share of other faults, but I carried the most blame because I kept comparing the way I felt for Tina with the feelings I had for Casey. While Tina and I were dating, I would fall into bouts of depression because I didn't know how to tell Tina (a gorgeous attractive lesbian who was in love with me) that I loved someone else more than I loved her and more than I loved myself. Tina and I have been broken up for 6 months now, and I feel like it's finally time for me to tell Casey what I have felt for her over the past decade or so. Unfortunately for me though, Casey is now engaged to a guy and they're set to get married this year. I've never met him, but Casey sounds happy and it seems like they have a chance to make a great life together. I've tried for 13 years to do away with the feelings I have for Casey, but they never go away for good. Though I summoned up the courage to come out to her a few months ago, the one thing I haven't done is tell her about my feelings for her. I've held off not telling her all these years because I couldn't bear to lose her as a friend. Now that she's engaged, I figure that she's going off to live a more 'socially acceptable' life with the chance of being happy, so why ruin that for her? Why burden her with any thoughts of confused sexuality? I feel like I have a choice and I am choosing to live with my burden and leave her to be happy. What makes me sad is that I had to make that choice in the first place. So basically, I apologise that this has been a long post, I guess it's been bottled up for a long time. I just want to know if anyone out there has any words of wisdom to share. Has anyone gone through a similar experience?
I'm sorry this sounds harsh, but how do you know she might feel the same way? Was there any indication that she questioned her own sexuality or that she may have returned your feelings? You might want to consider the possibility that she is straight and that she's happy with her fiance and whether risking your friendship is worth the possibility of closure.
Thanks Aspen, it's ok, I need straight forward talk. Yes, that's basically what I've been struggling with. I'm not willing to ruin the friendship, though I really want closure. And no, she hasn't given any indication that she questions her sexuality. The struggle has just been with me.
