Boyfriend refuses to let me meet his friends or family

Well since he's not out at all I would understand why he wouldn't want you to meet his friends or family. Keep in mind you're 5 years older than him which would have given you time to be more comfortable with yourself. You shouldn't have to hide your orientation, but it takes a while to okay with it (even I'm not there yet).

Not sure which other advice I could give you, but he is definitely in a difficult position. Even I'm not "out and proud", but if people ask I certainly won't deny it.

 

Hm. Having gone through my own share of emotional crises where my family is concerned and come out the other side, I can understand your attitude re not being accepted. The flip side of that is that for people who haven't gone through that kind of thing, even the idea of it can be terrifying. In a sense it's the difference between being a blooded combat veteran and a civilian or a newbie just out of boot camp. Faced with another 'combat situation' you are emotionally and experientially prepared to deal with it. The other person isn't. And the only way they can really move out of that space is to either go through the same thing and survive (and who wants to go through a war and not everyone makes it through unscathed?) or gradually move to a place where they are ready to walk out on their own.

With time and luck, your BF may find that living out from under his family/friends shadow builds more emotional independence and also pressure to be open about who he is and who he loves. Maintaining the facade is going to take a lot of time and energy and eventually he will (hopefully) both get tired of that and come to feel he has a right to be himself. Hopefully you can be there to gently encourage him in that direction.

That all said...

If you only live four hours drive apart, then the odds are very good that sooner or later some of his friends and/or family members are either going to decide to 'drop in' without warning or just happen to be in your area for one reason or another and are going to run into you both somewhere with no warning. At which point the whole 'I'm living with a girl' story may get a bit strained...or shatter entirely.

It might be prudent to either raise this issue with him so you can both have a contingency plan prepared or at least prepare one yourself so you know which way to jump.

Todd

 

hey, have you talked to him about this? there are a lot of possibilities, really..

maybe he's just protecting you and your relationship, because there are unsupportive (or even homophobic) parents you know, and maybe he's thinking his parents will blame you for his sexuality if he comes out or introduce you to them (even just as his friend).. he knows his parents more than anyone else, so a bit more trust besides, if he thinks they won't "take it great", then it wouldn't matter much and maybe he's just avoiding the risk of losing anyone..

maybe he's really just not ready to come out? at 24, a lot of social pressure must have built up.. but that don't mean he doesn't love you right? so yeah, think of it as protecting you and your relationship and not "keeping you hidden" :'>

i agree with with AKTodd though.. you should talk with him and prepare him with the things that might happen.. what is one of his family or friends accidentally find out? what will happen after you move in together? and all.. this might encourage him to come out sooner or at least to be more careful in the future..

but anyway.. i'm wishing you two the best (*hugs*)

 

I think you are going to get a lot of responses about how understandable your boyfriend's position is here--and I agree that is a reasonable place for him to be. I will however say that the fact that his position is reasonable does not mean that yours isn't and while perhaps it is incumbent on you to be supportive of your friend I don't think it is at all necessary for you to entangle yourself in that position. I for one have to say I wouldn't do it. I'm not sure I could date someone who is closeted. I know I would never consider moving in with someone who is closeted. It's going to be an issue and it's going to be an issue over and over again. And there's a really good chance that, no matter how iron clad your self esteem is, having someone at the center of your life who is in some sense ashamed of what you have will take it's toll. A lot of openly gay people, myself included, have an almost viscerally negative reaction to dishonesty. This is reasonable and in my opinion a good thing--and there's a huge difference between someone who is omitting information about you and someone who is actively lying about you. Be honest with him and be clear that if you're going to give him a center seat in your life that he has to be honest with you--and about you.

 

I've never dated or anything...
...but I'd have to look at this from your boyfriend's side. I'm not out, and would have to say if on the rare chance I was ever to get a boyfriend, I would be very hesitant on him meeting my family. I'm sure after awhile I'd be ok with it, but him being ' just a friend' to them.
I simply couldn't go so far as to lie and say "moving in with a girl" :eek: rather just "roommate" (who happens to be a guy)...

 

Indeed, honesty is key if this relationship is to work!

Though if I may offer a final suggestion: don't get tempted into the other extreme: blindsiding him with a sudden ultimatum. When faced wih a choice between hte devil they know and the heaven they don't, most people will still, as a kneejerk reaction, take the devil.

So... what you need is a plan, more than a sudden demand. Him coming out to all his friends and family is probably not going to happen over a week. But having a plan to at least tell one friend in the next month or two is perfectly reasonable. And every step can then lead to a next step. You don't bust a dam without making some small cracks in it first.
So don't put your fist on the table too hard. Work together on extricating him from the lie and telling one friend, for a start. Keep working together as a team.


And hey, sometimes it goes faster than expected. My boyfriend never mentioned me to his parents for a solid five years. And I kept my own mother in the dark about his existence for about as long. For various reasons that seem silly in retrospect, but utterly ruled our lives.
And then, once we decided it was about damn time they knew, we had a plan spanning a year. But when we started, it was done in two months. Not instant, but once a bit of momentum gets built, it's hard to stop!