Hi, so I'm in a bit of a difficult situation at the moment: My older sister's refusing to talk to me, as a direct result of me being into girls. But, let me start at the beginning: 5 years back, I fell in love for the first time... with the wrong person: my sister's former best friend and a teacher at my school. She was beautiful like you wouldn't believe... mesmerizing green eyes, a cute dimple in her chin, a dazzling smile and oh so kind. I developed a close bond with her, due to her becoming my confidante, over the last years before graduation. Needless to say, I hated saying goodbye... Due to my strong emotions, I had to fess up to my mom and sis... the last one didn't take it too well back then. Just as I'd feared, she was weirded out by it and even though she rarely showed it: I knew she didn't understand at all and was pissed at me. She even told me one night, when I wanted to " bond" after a few drinks, that she now knew things about me that she'd never ever wanted to know. This made me miserable. To make her frustration somewhat clearer: this girl I loved had always been in her class and was one of her closest friends, but she grew to kind of hate her, due to my dad constantly telling her how she was better and had achieved more in her life( she graduated from college right away, while my sister couldn't, because of extreme OCD, perfectionism and fear of failure.)... Weird as that may sound, he always does this: he makes us feel bad about ourselves and claims others are better. So yeah, I think she just felt bad, that someone else in the family was so taken by her. But now let's fast-forward to the here and now: I still haven't really gotten over this girl/woman and I recently found out she was gonna get married. My mom unwittingly told us at the dinner table: I stayed brave there, but after I was finished, I cried my eyes out in my room. Then, my sister walked in, asking me what was wrong. I just told her the truth, only for her to shake her head, sigh, mutter angrily: not this shit again and leave, slamming the door in her wake. I really loathe this, cause when I cry about her, my sister either starts badmouthing her... which I hate, cause I still care for her( we occasionally mail and she's still so supportive of me.), or she gives me the silent treatment. It's been a week since this incident and our relationship is very strained once again, with us hardly saying a word, I usually tell her: "hey" or something stupid, but she just ignores me! It's so frustrating! So please, if anyone has any tips on fixing a once very strong alliance, feel free to leave them below. I'm at my wit's end!
Sit her down and ask her if its you she's upset with or her old friend, it sounds like she grew to hate her friend because you got together with her she could see it as that. Tell her that you didn't expect to fall for her friend and didn't want to feel that hurt when it was over. Maybe she see's her old friend as the one that changed you and made you want to date women. Also you need to let bygones be bygones and try forget about this woman, I know its not easy but if its breaking you down after 5 years you need to try forget tell your mum that if she wants to speak about her to do it when your not there kind of out of sight out of mind if you get what I mean. Hope this helps and your sister starts to speak to you again soon
I know this and I know it's unhealthy to still feel this way, after I left school three years ago, but I just feel very deeply. I thought I WAS over her, but when I heard she was gonna get hitched, it really got to me... She also lives in the neighborhood, so I'll still run into her, like last summer she was at the same restaurant as us, with her fiancé. It's just hard, the rational part of me says: forget her, but when I'm not on my guard my emotions take over.
I think the main question is this: is she mad because you have feelings for her ex-friend, or because you like girls? Because I could understand if it was the former, but if she's simply bigoted against you then that's another thing entirely.
The "silent treatment" is psychological abuse, it's just plain old bullying and you need to call her out on it whenever you catch her in the act. Tell her clearly that you don't tolerate that kind of treatment. She walks into the room... "Hey, what's up?" She ignores you. "Hey! Don't ignore me when I'm speaking to you! That's rude!" And if she continues, it means you've caught her in the act, so you need to call her out on the abuse straight away: "I'm tired of your psychological abuse. You keep ignoring me because you're a homophobic bigot. Do you seriously think you can somehow pressure me into changing my sexuality? That's idiotic!" OK, so the example is probably a bit on the angry side, but I don't see any problem with people voicing some anger. Remember, you're legitimately angry at her for attempting to "punish" you even though you've done nothing wrong. And it's not just about her homophobia. If a bigot sees a homosexual on their path, the bigot can simply cross the street to avoid them. The bigot isn't trying to dominate or abuse anyone. But in your sister's case she's trying to actively exert some kind of influence on you, to control or change you so that in your sister's mind, you conform to some idealised image of what she thinks you ought to be like. That's completely overstepping the usual social boundaries. She's not respecting you as a real person who has their own life and isn't just there to entertain your sister's ego. ---------- Post added 9th Jun 2015 at 11:17 AM ---------- Also, I'd drop the whole thing about feeling guilty because of your sister's "Ex friend". Boo hoo for her...:tears: I'm not sure if my subtle sarcasm is coming across there, but really, why the hell isn't your sister being supportive and saying some nice soothing things instead of being a bitch? Like "I'm sorry that you didn't get to be with such-n-such. Yeah, we used to be be friends, but you know what?..." And then she digs up some gossipy dirt, which may be completely irrelevant, except that you know she's only doing it to cheer you up. Also... Have you thought about moving out? It's bad enough with just parents, and maybe younger siblings, but a THIRD wannabe parent who's also trying to mould you into their image?!
Hey, thanks to everyone who replied, but I do believe I was misunderstood( probably due to me phrasing things wrong): my sister really doesn't have a problem with homosexuality as a whole: she's not small-minded, she just doesn't understand it that well. She has tried to be supportive in her own way, in the past. The main issue is that she doesn't approve of the first person I fell in love with.( I assume this, because we haven't spoken yet.) I think it's just really weird for her, as she has known this girl for most of her life, had her over for sleepovers etc... and then for her to picture her little sis taking a romantic liking to her.... it must be kind of gross, I imagine. Yet, I didn't choose to fall that deeply for her, of all people! I'm guessing it just confuses her.... Also, like I said before: our dad always took a liking to her friend, often putting my sister down, in favor of her, so it's pretty safe to say she probably has a trauma from that, not to mention some deep inner resentment towards her. Meanwhile I'm still not sure how to tackle this issue... I'm still very closeted and rarely ever talk about my feelings towards this girl and I don't like to, cause it makes me feel embarassed and uncomfortable. I rarely show emotions to other people. It usually only comes up, when I've had too much to drink or am upset about her, like last week. So, I really have no idea, how to bring this up and when. Also: you can't draw the emotional card with my sis, because she has very low empathy and can come across really cold, at times. So yeah... I'm guessing I'll just have to wait, until she provides me with some dialogue.
Hey, so just in case anyone's still interested: I finally had a convo with my sister. Just this morning she walked in with the mail. Guess what it contained? An invite to her friend's wedding. They actually saw each other again a few months back, since my sis is studying to become a teacher and had to teach a few courses in my old high-school... under the supervision of her "friend", so I'm guessing that's why she was invited after a couple of years of them not really speaking? While my crush is nice, she can also be quite naive, failing to pick up on any venom, from my sister's part. I mean, whenever we run into her, my sis is friendly, but you can kind of tell it's put on and forced, while my crush just has this really kind nature. I think she does still genuinely likes my sister and still considers her a friend, though a somewhat distant one. She's always asking me about her, when we mail too. But anyway, when I saw the invitation, I swallowed away the huge lump in my throat and said something along the lines of: " Oh, well that's nice of her, don't cha think?" Then she sort of scowled at me and replied mockingly: " Yeah of course, you would think so, perfect ... who can't ever do anything wrong." This wasn't exactly friendly behavior, but at least she was saying something, so I confronted and asked her what her problem was and if she hated me for being gay. Then she replied/semi-yelled: " Ugh, I'm fine with the gay/lesbian whatever stuff, just why does it have to be her you had to have your stupid crush on?!" and surprisingly she started to cry( she hardly ever cries.) I attempted to comfort her, but she pushed me away and rushed off. Later though, she came downstairs again and explained how she felt slighted and had always heard from my dad how my crush was the more social/prettier one and that it had given her a huge complex. And honestly: "why hadn't I figured this out?" But anywho, I think we kind of solved it now, even though she's still not acting like her usual self.