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my mom is...questionable.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bajel, Jun 9, 2015.

  1. bajel

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    So first a bit of background:
    • I came out to my mom a couple of weeks ago.
    • I thought she already knew, she did not. Super shocked.
    • Initially, she said some hurtful things mixed in with the positive.
    • Next few days after, she was super positive.
    • She's back to saying some questionable things.
    We were driving in the car today, and she was talking about how her friend had told her that in a lesbian relationship, there's a man and a woman (a.k.a. butch and a femme). I explained that no, it wasn't like that at all, but sometimes it would appear that way, sometimes not. She went on to talk about how she hates butch women. I present pretty feminine. I have short hair, wear make-up, and love dresses. Every time we have talked about my orientation, she's asked if I want to dress "like a man". I just say no, because I don't have the time or energy to explain to her why that statement is ten types of wrong. She says that men should dress like men and women like women. After Caitlyn Jenner came out, my mom was so about it (she loves the Kardashians). I feel like if Caitlyn wasn't "passing" she wouldn't have approved and that makes me sad. She's basically made it very clear that if I dated a butch girl she wouldn't approve. She also thinks it's a phase I think. She's been harrasing me to try and get me to tell my brother, and simultaneously telling me I should wait until I'm sure. I tell her I'm sure and she wants to know how I know. She keeps telling me I might be bisexual, even though I'm pretty sure she sees bisexuality as being straight but also edgy? If that makes sense. Also, she hates the word lesbian. A lot. She says it sounds gross and she doesn't understand why it can't just be gay woman instead. I'll admit, I also hesitate to label myself a lesbian and go with gay or queer too but I have no idea why.

    Anyways, I don't know how to deal with it. She's not kicking me out or anything, but all these microagressions are getting to me. If I tried to bring it up, she would probably just say that she's doing her best (which I'm sure she is) and to lay off. Honestly, she's kind of old, and was raised pretty conservatively, so she still has her casual racism and homophobia.

    Also side problem: I feel kind of alone? I mean I know so so many gay people so I don't know why I feel this way. All my best friends are straight and just ever since I came out to my first person (like a month ago? it seems so much longer) I really want to talk about these kinds of things but my friends never know what to say so I've just stopped.

    If you read all of this you're great and I appreciate it. Any kind of response is helpful honestly I just feel like I'm shouting into the void sometimes.
     
  2. ErickWolf

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    That's kind of hypocritical for her to be ok with Caitlyn for 'passing' but not approve of people who don't dress/present either totally male or totally female. I mean, it's great that she recognizes Caitlyn as a woman, but that's really uncool of her to be passive-agressive at you like that. Not to mention dissing people who don't fit the traditional gender stereotypes.
     
  3. bi2me

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    Micro aggressions can be particularly challenging since the person doing them often doesn't/won't recognize the issue. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. :frowning2:
     
  4. ThatGuyT

    ThatGuyT Guest

    Hi. :slight_smile: sounds pretty frustrating to me. I don't know what type of relationship you have with your mother but if my mom were to constantly say those little "microagressive" things I would yell "MOM" once to get her to listen and shut up for a moment. The I would explain to her very clearly that my sexual orientation is not a phase, that I will only come out to my brother when I am ready and that those little things that she has been saying are incorrect and hurtfull. You said that you don't have the time nor the energy to dxplain to her why you don't want to dress like a man. This sounds to me like your mom does not really know the difference between being homosexual and transgender. I think she needs to understand these types of things before she can stop saying those hurtfull things. She's probably too unsure about what it even means to be a lesbian. So my suggestion is for you to get your moms attention, tell her to shut up for a little while and just explain to her exactly what being a lesbian is all about, and then answer all her questions.
    I hope this advice can help you at least a little bit :slight_smile:
    Good luck in trying to figure things out with your mom!
     
  5. bajel

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    Thanks to all ya'll for answering!! It's starting to feel really suffocating. She thinks that people nowadays are too "pc" and sensitive. I think that she actually really has a problem with it and she's just trying to pretend. She makes it all about her and I can't stand it but she does that with everything. For example, earlier we were kind of talking about it and she was like "I'm just still so shocked you dropped that like a bomb" and I was like well yanno I didn't think it was a very big deal. Later she was like "oh don't give me that obviously you thought it was a big deal or you would have told me sooner. Don't try and make me feel like I reacted wrong" So then I have to turn around and comfort her instead of worrying about my feelings. She also loves to talk about how much happens to our family (my brother's had a lot of health problems, we're poor, apparently I'm a problem). Ugh. Just feels good to vent mostly.