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Clashing degrees of comfort

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Elliptic, Jun 11, 2015.

  1. Elliptic

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    Recently I decided to tag my boyfriend on Facebook so it shows "in a relationship with ___" instead of just "in a relationship". We've been dating over a year and all of my relationships I've done that with. I asked how he felt about it and he said (1) that he hadn't noticed and (2) that it felt more like a territorial marking.

    I brushed it off and asked if he would accept. He then said his grandma and some other family don't know he's gay and doesn't want her to find out on Facebook. He said we've talked about this before and I respond "I thought you hadn't noticed?" He said he "just remembered."

    When he realizes this upsets me he gets very defensive and mad. He doesn't realize why it upsets me even when I explained it in a calm way. He says sure it might be easy for me, but I'm asking him to affect his family dynamics.

    This hurt me. I feel that as 20+ year old college boyfriends who've been dating over a year, he needs to live his life freely and disdain those who disagree with his lifestyle. I feel like he's more worried about "what grams will think" than our relationship.

    We are from different backgrounds; I came out before high school. And worrying about what grandma will think? I knew I wasn't going to live my life in fear and under senseless control. She kept asking about girls and I told her when I was like 15. She sure didn't like it, but what good does lying about it do?

    This is really upsetting me - I feel rejected and like an embarrassment. For Christ's sake, if he hasn't told his grandma yet, I wouldn't be surprised if he never does. We've been dating for over a year and he's still afraid of her finding out. I feel like I deserve a relationship that is treated with more courage. This upsets me more than I want it to and I wonder if I'm overreacting.

    What do you think of this and our reactions based on what I've said?
     
  2. Sek

    Sek
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    Hey, I'm in pretty much the same boat as you. I'm dating a guy who hasn't ever publically tagged me on Facebook in anything, and he's someone who posts EVERYTHING. It's at the point where if we go out to dinner, he'd take a picture of his food in a way that leaves no clues to who else he is with. He doesn't even let us come across in a 'friend' way.

    I posted about this recently because I accept that he isn't ready to come out yet. But, as I found out through the wisdom of others, this is something we have to express our dislike of. Building a life in hiding is not something you should shape your life around for anyone and you have every right to not go down that path.

    Deciding to come out is a journey everyone has to make themselves. You can't make him choose to do it or force him to do it because it will lead to feelings of resentment, bitterness, etc. All you can do is guide them along the way once they think they are ready. I recently expressed to my boyfriend that I wasn't interested in building my life around being closeted, we talked it out and things have improved. He seems more optimistic and willing to come out, so now I'm going to give it a little more time to see what happens.

    Of course, it that doesn't happen within a time that feels right for me, I will leave him. A relationship is about both people being happy, not one. If he's happy having a closeted relationship and you're not, then you have to move on.
     
  3. Lyana

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    I agree with Sek. You can't force someone out of the closet -- but you do have a choice in whether or not you'll accept their out status.

    It seems to me like the issue runs deeper than a simple Facebook relationship status. (Personally, tagging my SO on Facebook is something I just don't do. It has nothing to do with my out status, just that I don't broadcast my life in general on Facebook. And then when you break up, and that's on Facebook too -- yuck.) But anyway, your problems seem to stem more from his out status and potential remnants of shame over your relationship. If he didn't want to tag you on Facebook, but told his grandma about you -- how would you feel about that?

    He doesn't seem to want to talk about it much (saying he "hadn't noticed"). That's a problem, because when something hurts you, the best way to get through it is to communicate. Really. It works. He should try to see your side of things, and you should try to see his -- but if you don't communicate, neither of you is going to be able to do that. He's avoiding communication, and you're getting frustrated and hence closing yourself off, too.
    So the best advice I can give you is to try to talk about it some more. Maybe not the Facebook thing, but your insecurities, your concerns that he's ashamed of you.

    It's normal. You're not overreacting; you're alllowed to be hurt. Being hidden never makes you feel good. I can imagine the fact that he's not open about your relationship to some of his family isn't pleasant, but let's be honest here: How important is his grandma to your relationship? There are other things you should think about. Is he out and proud about you with friends and closer family members/in public? Is this the first time a similar problem has come up, in a year of dating?