OK so first the back story: There's this friend of mine who I've had a huge crush on for just about as long as I've known her (a year). She previously identified as a lesbian and had an on and off girlfriend for about 6 months. Recently they broke up for good and I felt like this was my time to show my feelings. She wasn't neccessarily flirting back, but she definately wasn't pushing me away. So when I tryed to kiss her the other day, she told me that we needed to talk. She came out to me as asexual and, although I'm still supportive of her ofcourse, I don't exactly know all that much about asexuality. And to complicate things, I'm still in love with her. So how can I be supportive of her and get over my crush at the same time?
If you check out aven Asexual Visibility and Education Network they have a section for this that cane give great advice I would recommend taking a look at it. I hope every thing works out for you
AVEN does have a perspective on asexuality, but it shouldn't be considered the only, valid perspective or final word. By all means, take a look, but keep an open mind and consider carefully some of the points raised by Chip in this thread too. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-sexual-romantic-orientation/181168-asexuality-spectrum.html It is possible that the highs and lows of the previous relationship have left emotional scars that your friend is struggling with right now and she just isn't in a place to even consider the idea of a romantic or intimate relationship with anyone. There could be other, unknown factors too.
Basically asexuals don't have any sexual interest in any gender, but may or may not enjoy romantic contact. However, It's also possible that the break up really bothered her so she chooses to identify as ace to make people unavailable to her. In my opinion, It's really really NOT a good idea to make a move on someone after they have just broken up because they're still vulnerable and processing things. Kissing can be way too forward for some people too and put them off. Of course she could be legit ace and I don't want to invalidate it, it just seems a bit too soon to the point it feels something is off to me. Maybe I'm just viewing it from my own experiences though. I used to identify as off and on asexual because I didn't want any relationships or sex (still don't) and wanted to keep people off of me, especially after bad relationships. So she might need time to process things.
You're in a complicated situation. Actual asexuity, according to the accepted, studied, and widely recognized and agreed-upon definition, is very rare. It is hardwired and unchangeable. Unfortunately, a tiny fringe group of people (many of whom will be found at AVEN) have hijacked the term to mean something it does not. Someone who has been in a sexual relationship for 6+ months and felt attraction and arousal during that relationship... is not asexual according to the accepted and recognized definition. It's a lot more likely that her situation is more like fallingdown7 describes in the second paragraph above. The best thing you can do is simply be with her, without judgment, and not present or encourage any agenda. You can ask her if she wants to talk about what she's feeling, and simply be there, listen, and let her know that you appreciate her sharing what she's feeling with you. I would not, under any circumstances, act on your crush, even if she seems like she might be receptive, for the reasons already stated.
