Could my friend be gay?

Hey guys :lol:

This is my first post here.

I'm a 23 year old confused/possibly bi (more gay) male who's still in the closet (re the gay part of me anyway). I'm just here for some advice on whether a friend of mine (who I really like) could be gay.

For starters, my relationship experience is pretty much nil. I've never been in a relationship throughout the 23 years of my life. Despite having liked a few guys over the years, I never expressed my feelings as I was simply not ready to come out. I've also had a a number of people ask me out, both guys and girls, but I ended up rejecting all their advances (due to fear of coming out, and relative lack of interest respectively).

I believe I'm fairly straight-acting, although I do take a lot of care with my overall appearance/hair/attire. The vast majority of people I've been around would never entertain the possibility of me being gay - they just assume that I'm straight since I don't exhibit much of the stereotypically 'gay' traits. However, I have registered on the gaydars of some experienced gays, who speculate that I may be and make tentative advances, but even then they are not completely sure.

Having been deeply closeted for all my life, I do feel like I've missed out on a lot. But recently (about 2 months ago), I made a friend who I have genuine and very strong feelings for. I can safely say that I've never felt this way about someone before, although I'm hesitant right now to call it 'love'. The good thing for me is, there's a real chance he might be gay, although having zero relationship experience, I don't feel my gaydar is up to scratch to jump to conclusions.

Here are a few reasons why I think he might be gay:

1. General campness. Let's just say my friend is by no means the most masculine guy out there. He displays somewhat effeminate mannerisms, has a subtle lisp (only sometimes) when he pronounces 's' sounds, and slightly feminine intonations when he talks.

2. Attention to appearance. My friend has quite a good collection of clothes. He loves to wear bright colours in summer, loves going shopping for clothes, does his hair regularly, has a liking for fragrance, and on the whole looks more clean and tidy than most straight guys.

3. Hobbies and Interests. He doesn't really show an interest in the typical 'straight-male' sports like soccer and basketball, but prefers racquet sports and the gym. I'm not sure how convincing this is, but I guess it's these little details that add up.

He said he loves flowers and fragrances (okay, I have NEVER heard that from any other guy I've come across before, EVER, straight or gay), and would decorate his house with flowers when he buys his own home. He also has an ardent passion for music, including musicals, opera and singing - all in all, a very artistic guy.

4. Relationships and Sexuality. My friend is, objectively speaking, a devastatingly good looking guy (alright, maybe I'm not being so objective lol, but you get the idea.:eusa_doh. Many of our mutual female friends have all talked about how cute/attractive he is, but strangely, he doesn't have a girlfriend. Whether he's had one before is uncertain, but if he has, he's never brought it up with me or any of our friends when we hang out together. The vast majority of guys I know always seize every opportunity to boast about their past romantic conquests and how 'good' they are with the ladies, and all pretend to be experts on how to get girls.

I don't see my friend display signs of interest towards guys or girls around us. He doesn't sneak a glance when an attractive guy/girl walks past, and seems to treat friends of both genders perfectly equally. In this regard, he would appear to be 'asexual'. However, sometimes when we're out on the street or go going shopping and come across some billboards with female models on them, he would exclaim "Wow she is just stunning". Now that I come to think of it, he uses the word 'stunning' every time he describes a girl's appearance. Every other guy I know uses vocabulary like "hot", "sexy", "a babe" etc.

4. Personality. My friend is a very meek, humble, docile and generally 'nice' guy. He's never boastful or crude in his speech and is very courteous. He never swears either, because he thinks it's "not good". His main verbal manifestation of venting frustration is '*loud groan* followed by "oh noo"!'

He is also quite shy and doesn't like too much attention, but isn't timid. However, he doesn't appear to be very sociable or friendly at first sight (although he can be quite a character once you get to know him). He said this aspect of his personality has changed a lot from his teenage years though.

5. Attention to detail. My friend is a stickler for detail. He loves those little details, especially when we go to a cafe or a restaurant (like candles, ornamental cutlery, flowers - yes, flowers again), which a typical straight guy would not even mention (or probably notice in the first place...)

6. When we hang out... I wouldn't categorize my feelings for my friend as 'love at first sight', but I was into him pretty quickly after we hung out together for one afternoon. Not one day would go past when I don't think about him.

As a result, I would try to hang out with him as much as possible (for a while, I hanged out with him every day of the week, something which I've never done with any friend). I'm not sure how a straight guy would feel if another guy tried to do this, but never once did he try to make up an excuse to avoid hanging out with me. He agreed every time.

When we're together, we can talk about pretty much anything. We shared some past experiences with each other, which isn't the sort of thing you would tell a normal friend. I really trust him, and I think he does too to some extent.

I had a couple of (possibly unilaterally) romantic moments with him too. Once when we were hanging out together, but I had to leave a bit early when something came up. He reached over from the other side of the table and grabbed my arm and said "Ohh I don't want you to go", before adding "sorry, I'm such a baby". I didn't say anything, but rested my head on his hand (which was grabbing onto my arm), and we stayed like that for about 10 seconds or so. :icon_redf Another time, he dropped me off at my house after a night out, and before I got out of his car, I told him "don't go", and I put one arm around him before leaning my head against his shoulder for a while.


I know these may not mean much, but for someone with no relationship/dating/romantic experience whatsoever, they really meant a lot to me. Also, both times he said absolutely nothing. It took me a LOT of courage to do what I did. I could never imagine doing this to a straight guy, since I'd probably get punched lol.


On the other hand, there are a few reasons why I think he might NOT be gay, which really confuse me.

1. Devout Christian. I know that religion has very little, if any, direct correlation with a person's sexual orientation, but the fact that he's such a faithful Christian who adheres religiously to the Bible means he would be less likely to be in a gay relationship even if he is gay.

2. Tries to avoid being perceived as gay. A lot of characteristics in my friend pretty much speak for themselves, but even so, he doesn't seem very open to things that may be considered gay. E.g. I asked him to see a movie with just me, but he replied "Isn't that a little weird with just the two of us? We should at least bring a third person or something, preferably a girl". :icon_sad: (can I just add that this made me really sad for a couple of days...)

3. Comments on girls (mentioned above) He does occasionally comment on girls' appearances, but only uses the word 'stunning', like I said before. He never comments on guys' appearances.

So...

What are the chances of my friend being gay, and also the possibility of us being together? I'm really really into him, but I'm quite scared to ask him myself. I would appreciate any feedback/suggestions/comments that can help out a poor confused guy. :lol:

A big thank you to everyone who took the time to read all of this! Love you all :eusa_danc

---------- Post added 16th Jun 2015 at 09:13 PM ----------

Just to add something which I forgot earlier...

Why I think he might be straight reason No 4:

4. About 90% of the time when we're not together, I'm the one who initiates contact. I reply to his messages instantly, but he sometimes delays for a while, and doesn't seem to write as much as I do most of the time. A lot of the time this worries me, since I feel he might not be interested or finds me annoying. But he seems perfectly fine when we hang out, and my worries dissipate. This roller-coaster ride of emotions keeps repeating itself, I can't really help it.

To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised at all if he turned out to be gay. But I sometimes also think, what if he's just a really effeminate, metrosexual, straight dude (the odds, guys...??). I go to bed every night thinking about him, and it's a really blissful feeling. Occasionally I worry if I'll ever lose him as a friend, and that actually makes me cry (I get quite emotional at night lol).

 

Thanks for your reply, nothereanymo. I haven't talked to him about those kinds of things, but I have mentioned to him how I really don't like it when get approached by girls (kind of an indirect way of saying I'm not interested in girls I guess...)

 

Thanks so much, ToneDef! To be honest, I haven't sorted out my feelings for him either. It's been 2 months already, but I'm still at that 'madly in love' stage and all I want is to see and be with him every day. I definitely have strong romantic feelings for him, but even if that doesn't work out, I would still love to have him as a close friend and a brother. That's why I'm still a bit reluctant to make any moves right now and am more inclined to keep our budding friendship going as it is.

I also agree with you in that he could very likely be gay but isn't ready to show it. But one thing which confuses me is, he doesn't make an effort to act straight either. He's said on multiple occasions "I feel like such a girl", "I'm such a pansy", "I have a girl's voice", which shows he is aware of the nature of his habits and mannerisms, but just stops short of revealing his sexuality. :eusa_doh:

 

Thanks Patrick. He did tell me that he wasn't brought up a Christian, but he became one later in his life and has been very faithful to The Bible since then. I've brought up LGBT issues with him once or twice (albeit very tangentially), but he seems a bit reticent (not vociferously against, but not supportive either). I do really like him, but to a greater extent, I respect him a lot as well. I'll see if I can talk about the issue of same-sex marriage with him again and possibly try to discern how he feels about it.

---------- Post added 16th Jun 2015 at 10:27 PM ----------

So many mixed messages from him...but I guess no amount of analysis would be as effective as just talking to him about straight up. I'm not ready to take that step yet, unfortunately, and my perspective is also clogged by my fears and wishful thinking. If it ever gets to that stage where I feel the urge to tell him, I would tell him everything.

 

Thanks, mate. Hopefully when I tell him, I'll have a better idea of his sexuality and whether he likes me, and vice versa. That would definitely make expressing my feelings a lot easier, since it kind of cuts the 'coming out' step. :lol:

 

Hey guitar, thanks for your reply! I think your opinion is very rational and objective. None of his behaviour/traits can be directly attributed to him being gay, so I guess there's no point in me dwelling too much on that, especially when guys who display those characteristics can still be straight like your friend.

However, what comes to me as surprising is that he is perfectly aware of his effeminacy and acknowledges it in front of me (like I mentioned in an earlier post), which probably means that his feminine qualities don't really bother him at all. If he was really closeted, you'd think that he would at least tone down some of his mannerisms and statements about himself liking flowers etc. What's your opinion on this one?


The hand holding and head resting were no doubt the two most beautiful moments of my life. I've never done that with someone I have feelings for, let alone someone I like this much. I'm not sure if he was too polite to tell me to stop, or whether he was welcome to it. There's absolutely no way I can imagine two straight buddies doing that to each other, so I really hope we shared something in those two exceptional moments.

 

Thanks csm123. That's a very plausible explanation for his behaviour. I really like your suggestion in that it's not overplaying the whole 'coming out' thing, and would give both me and him and opportunity to talk about this (especially how I feel about him). I don't think I'm ready to do that just yet, but I'll definitely take your advice on board.:lol:

 

I understand that signs don't tell you much and can obviously be inaccurate too, but I don't think I'll be comfortable at this stage asking him upfront about his sexuality. I might offend him. I think I should wait till there's a better opportunity in the future when we're even closer and more comfortable discussing these issues.