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How do I confront her?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by questionable, Jun 16, 2015.

  1. questionable

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2013
    Messages:
    152
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Philippines
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    My mother knows that I'm a disgreet gay guy, when she found out about this she promised she won't tell to anyone even to my father. I just moved to a university from high school. Lots of changes. New friends, environment, waking hours and many more. Then one day I talked to my mom about me fearing some of the boys in my class. I said I was afraid what their reactions would be if they found out that I'm gay. Then she answered with a "Can you please just be normal and be "straight"? " I was really frustrated by the way she responded, I wasn't expecting that kind of response from her. She've known for years that I'm gay and all those times I thought she fully accepts me for who I am, which turns out to be not. I'm really starting to build this extreme hatred towards my mom. It's like I'm losing all my respect to her. Despite my odd changes in my behavior towards her, she's still around for me, she doesn't have those thoughts of kicking me out of our home for being disrespectful. She says I still can't accept my past (she's talking about me being adopted) then I responded, "It's not about me being adopted, mom. It's about you accepting me for who I am." Then she replied with another unexpected statement. "Don't judge me and your father of what we think about you. Can you just study and finish your college degree and act like a "normal" person.

    It's really depressing me that she thinks of me that way, but in the same time my feelings of motherly love for her is also overlapping my hate towards her. I've made good memories with her, I have so much plans for her after I graduate. I'm just very frustrated of how she thinks about me as her son and as a person. What should I do to make her understand? If not, how do I deal with her bigotry? All these things are making me so sad. I feel as though there's no reason for me to continue with life. :tears:

    P.S.: She really doesn't support LGBT rights not even a single right. It's because she's a religious person she always uses God and sometimes the bible, whenever I talk about my struggles of being a homosexual person.
     
  2. blossoms

    blossoms Guest

    My family situation is very similar to yours. My parents use religion as a reason as to why I should magically change to being straight, and they don't support me in the slightest. It's a horrible situation to be in because like you said, you've got good memories and love for your mother, but at the same time, her beliefs hurt you.

    All I can suggest is to just try gently talking to her about how you've been feeling lately and how regardless of what your sexuality is, you're still the same person and nothing's changed. It's important to try not to get upset or angry because then she may associate negativity with what you're saying, therefore adding fuel to the fire, so to speak. Just try having an open discussion where both of you put your feelings out there, and hopefully she'll see how upset you're feeling and may come around. These things do take a long time (from my own experience) and I know it's frustrating and upsetting, but the more you try to rush or force an individual into changing their beliefs, the more they'll hold onto their beliefs and defend them. Just try taking it slowly and fingers crossed that things start changing and your home life becomes more bright and accepting for you. I really hope things get better for you soon (*hug*)
     
  3. LogicNoSense

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2015
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    15
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    Location:
    Singapore
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My family situation can be considered rather similar to yours. One side is religion, and the other side is simply discrimination. My aunt-she's very into her religion. As LGBT is a taboo for her religion, the moment someone mentions LGBT, she goes into this rage, or rant, that LGBT is against the word of God, and stuff. She doesn't know I'm bi, though. I have no idea what she'll do to me if she finds out. On the other hand is my father. He probably knows that I'm bi-highly likely so. He told me himself before that he has many LGBT friends, and that he doesn't discriminate them, etc. However, we were discussing once, about an LGBT event that I went to. He wss really...hesitant about it, me 'supporting' the LGBT community. I suppose, as compared to being a friend and a family member being LGBT, a family member will definitely have a stronger impact on the person. In this case, your mother. She might be trying to protect you, in her own way. From discrimination, and so on. As a parent, it is hard to get over the fact that your child's 'not normal'. Even more so for people deeply rooted in their religion. By speaking to you in that way she might be trying to delude herself by thinking that you are straight. With you not being there, maybe as a constant reminder, and in that sense, a 'barrier' for those kinds of thoughts, it might be harder for her to suspress her want? for you to be straight. Well, in a very blunt way. I hope you take no offence from that.

    On the other hand, before your hate entirely consumes you-remember that she loves you. Hating your mother is very...painful. I know, because I'm just around the corner of doing so. Its something you will regret for life in the future. Further more, you're adopted. I have this mindset that parents love adopted children more because they aren't their own flesh and blood. Trying bringing up someone, not your own flesh and blood, showering that child with your love for 16 years. It's not easy, and your mother is amazing for doing that, so kudos to her. Your mom loves you, even if it is in her own 'twisted' way. (That came out bad.)

    Sometimes it may be hard to make them understand. It will take them time, a lot of it, to slowly get over the fact that your LGBT. For example, my friends accepted that I was bi rather quickly. My sis, on the other hand, the first person I came out to, is still having a bit of problem accepting that I'm bi. When it comes to nasty remarks, I tend to ignore them. Most of them don't understand, anyway. It's hard to accept yourself, to begin with. Start slowly. Maybe you could sit down with her for a face to face talk. Present her the facts-you're not going to change. You need her support to go through this tough period. By going out to her it shows you trust her a lot. Let her know that. Don't let hate blind you. Always remain calm, and remember that no matter what happens, she will have to come to terms with it sooner or later. Although it might seem painful-it is painful, what the hell-but you will pull through this. She might not accept you, but there are a ton of others out there who can go through this with you while you talk to your mother.

    Always know that there are people in the same situation as you. You are not alone in this, and you will never be. (&&&)

    (This came out super long, and ignore all typos because I'm on my phone. I was kicked off the computer.)