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How to deal with frustratingly homophobic friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by DreamerBoy17, Jun 16, 2015.

  1. DreamerBoy17

    Full Member

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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
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    Out to everyone
    I have this female friend who is a little homophobic. It's nothing extreme, but it is still very hurtful every time an incident occurs. Here's some background: she's in my main group, is usually really nice and smart, and overall a good friend.
    And here's some of the "incidents"
    One time I was sleeping over at her house, just her and me, and I sighed and asked her if she had any advice on how to get over my old crush. She said, maybe you should look at boys more, and you'll forget you ever liked girls.
    She's also somewhat sexist, which disappoints me as I consider myself feminist. She thinks guys should be dominant in relationships (despite being abandoned by her own dad and living with only her mom) and, growing frustrated with her, I asked, "well how do the dynamics play out in a same-sex relationship? There isn't anyone in charge." And she looked at me funny and said, "why would you ever want to be in that situation ever?"

    The main thing, though, was at a recent sleepover. I was discussing how this boy I was "friends" with called me a faggot as a joke. My bestie was outraged and everyone else was surprised, but she just shrugged and didn't seem to care.
    Later that night, she'd been talking for literally 2 hours straight about how her crush was so great and reading us all her text messages. So I talk for like 5 minutes about how great my parents have been to me about my orientation and how it feels to be gay and she stares at me like I'm insane.

    It's hard sometimes. Maybe I'm just overreacting, but I am really bothered by her actions. Is it even worth being friends with someone who doesn't support you? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. ilovesg

    Regular Member

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    I don't know how long you've been out to your friend, but my best friend said similar things when I first came out to her. She was uncomfortable with me being gay for a pretty long time, like two years. One day I asked her why she said things like that and she told me she just needed more time. I was hesitant because I didn't know if I should still be friends with her because she was so unsupportive. But one day a few months later she asked me about a girl I liked and we had the most normal conversation about it, without any little homophobic remarks. Sometimes if you tell someone they are hurting your feelings it makes it a million times easier to deal with it. She might not even realize what she's saying is hurtful, or maybe she does and doesn't know how to deal with it. I think you should tell her how you feel, even if it's just over a text, and see what she says. It might be something that you can help her with and answer any questions she has.
     
  3. resu

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    I think you should be more direct, and like ilovesg says, you should tell her how she makes you feel with some of the examples you mentioned. Obviously she is showing a lot of ignorance about sexuality, which may be from listening to homophobic family/friends (doesn't mean it's ever right to repeat them). Since you are teenagers, there is often a lot of peer pressure to fit in. You might also try talking to your mutual friends about why she is acting in such a way.

    Remember, no one is born homophobic, and interacting with an actual LGBT person is one of the most effective ways at changing straight people's attitudes. That said, if your friend deliberately does not want to change, you may have to distance yourself from her and focus on more accepting friends.