My dad has been sick for a really long time now. Over the past few months he's slowly been getting weaker and weaker, and in just the last week he's gotten to the worst he's ever been. He's in the hospital now, as he has been since Sunday. My mom spent the night with him, and she told me if she brings me to the hospital today, if there's anything on my chest then I should probably tell him then because I most likely won't get another chance to. The one big thing that I haven't told him is that I'm gay, something which I imagine he expects but that I'm terrified he won't be supportive of. I'm drawn between whether I come out and tell him the truth while he's still here, or if I never tell him and he passes away never knowing the one thing I previously hoped he would never find out. I'm not asking for pity; I guess that I just want to know what you would do in my situation. I don't think that he's going to get better, and apparently the hospital staff is at their wits end with the medication they can give him. As much as I want to tell him, I'm scared that my last conversation with him might not be a happy one.
That's a really tough situation to be in. I don't know what I would do. I never did get the chance to tell my dad before he passed away, but I didn't have a close relationship with him so it doesn't bother me. If it was my mother however.. I would have to tell her. I think could handle our last conversation being bad because I'd remember the good we had, but going the rest of my life thinking I never had the courage to tell her I'd dwell too much on it. What ever you choose to do, I wish you all the best. (*hug*)
If you are really close to your dad then I think you should tell him. Tell him that you love him and you want to be honest with him. I'm really sorry for you :c *hugs*
There is certainly no right or wrong answer here. I'm not sure how your relationship is with your dad, but I think when it comes down to it, you'll make a decision that you think is the best, and no one can blame you for that. I wish you and you're family the best.(*hug*)
I don't know how accepting your dad is but if he's not really homophobic, then the conversation may not necessarily be "negative" as you said. I mean, he may respond by saying he loves you and he accepts you, but only you can really gauge your dad's reaction. He may surprise you by being positive about it. Also, if you do tell him, one possible reason he may not react well is just because he's worried about your wellbeing. He knows being gay wouldn't be easy and if he also knows he might not necessarily be able to protect you that may scare him. So if he reacts negatively, just know that you shouldn't take it personally. Does your mom know you're gay? If so, you could maybe talk to her about this. Also if you tell your dad, you could start by saying "This isn't easy for me to say and I hope you can accept me" or something along those lines. I hope this helped and that it goes well<3<3<3 (*hug*)
Thank you all so much for your lovely responses. My relationship with my dad has always been weird; he's nearly fifty years my senior so there's a lot of blank spaces where there should be personal connections because of that generation gap. We've never been incredibly close either, just because he doesn't understand me. Of course I respect him as a parent, and I know that his own childhood was really rough because his dad was never around. But he's always been very self-centered, hypocritical, and short-tempered. For the most part he tends to use people, and once they're not useful anymore they get dumped. So I always had this idea that when he was on his deathbed I would be cold and disconnected from him, but now that it's actually happening I find it's impossible for me to do something like that to someone who's tried his hardest to be there for me. He's asked me if I'm gay twice: the first time he said he would literally kill me if I was, the second he said it would be hard but he would try to understand it. No one else in my family knows, besides my mother who refuses to acknowledge it. If he doesn't accept it, it's not going to be because of the problems I might face or that he won't be there to protect me, it'll be all about him; he'll think that I'm trying to make his life harder, not trying to be honest with him... Which is why I'm so scared to tell him.
I am really sorry you have to deal with this as a teenager. Try not to dwell on his negatives because there doesn't seem to be time to repair the relationship. I think you should tell him because he seems to be picking up on things and moving towards acceptance. But remember that people come out for themselves as much as for informing others. Sure, he may get upset, but it will also show you want to be honest and not afraid of what happens.
My dad was killed at sea when I was 15 and my biggest regret I still hold is the fact I never got the chance to tell him I was gay. Others will say "it might not be worth it", I say nonsense. Here you have the chance to do something I never could and I say just do it, if you skate around it and avoid doing it, you will never forgive yourself. Don't make my mistake, do it.
I am profoundly sorry that this is happening to you, I hope his end, should it come soon, be a peaceful one. If he has already said that he would try to understand it, he probably gave you a kind of permission that it will be ok. As a parent, it is hard to let go of our kids as they grow up, we need to find new ways of connecting with them, and sharing something deeply personal can benefit the relationship, even as life ends.
I'm very sorry... Now I'm not sure of what advice I should give you. Both options have pros and cons, the most important thing is what do you need... Do you really feel he should know? And if he knows... Would that make a real difference to you, and why would it? You said you were never close, still he is your father. I suspect he knows already, but again... I won't give you any advice except to think about the reasons... Your reasons. Someone very close to me died not so long ago, and I didn't told him. I used to regret it, now I'm sure it wouldn't have made a difference. I hope you are being taken care of too. Go out, be with people... He might die, but he doesn't want you to die with him. Be strong (*hug*)
Thank you once again, everyone, for your love and compassion and understanding. Michael, I really appreciate what you said about reasons. He's never supported LGBT rights or causes before, so if I come out to him then yes I get an opportunity to be honest but I run the risk of distancing myself from him. If he reacts badly, it's very possible that I'm giving him an uncomfortable memory to take with him when he passes, rather than ensuring he's peaceful and not worrying, and considering how distant we are from each other already I feel like not telling him wouldn't be too huge of a burden. And Foz, I'm so sorry you had to suffer through that. While I don't know how close you were with your father, I know exactly how you felt when my grandmother passed away last year. By coming out to him, it's very likely he'll take it badly, but as greatwhale said it may prove to bring us closer, which might be nice considering how distant we are. I'm leaving for the hospital in about an hour... I'll think about everything you amazing people have said and all of your incredible advice, weigh my options, and if in the moment it feels right I'll tell him everything. Thank you all again.
