1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Baggage

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Invidia, Jun 19, 2015.

  1. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,802
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Far above the clouds, gazing deep below the Earth
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    A kind of semi-self-loathing rant about helping people with a lot of baggage.

    I'm just so worthless at doing it. A worthless friend, a worthless daughter, worthless everything.
    When my friend had an anxiety attack a couple of months ago all I could do was stand next to him and like awkwardly pat him on the back and hug his arm. He suffers from major (I think chronical) depression. I guess I could help him by talking about it and helping him carry his burden, but I'm just unable to. If it comes up I automatically try to change subject or something else to avoid it.
    My mother was in pain today. She woke me up by coming into my room to borrow my laptop. "I need to google something, that hurts" she said. Did I so "oh, what is it? Are you alright? Is there anything I could do?" No. I just coldly said "okay."
    I just feel like it's too much to carry, I can't handle it. Not that my own problems are small in comparison (mental issues+dysphoria), it's not that, it's just I imploded long ago; now I live even more isolated than behind a shield, it's like I live in a bunker.
    We had dinner for Midsummer today. She kept misgendering me and calling me her "son" and so on. Did I look past that since she were in pain? No. I got angry with her (although only internally).

    How can I help people with their problems? Can I even, since I can hardly help myself?

    sorry for the rant, I just needed to get some stuff off my chest...
     
  2. lettuce

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2015
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Crisper
    I definitely understand where you're coming from. I have some really awesome friends who always go out of their way to help me and it doesn't feel like I do enough in return to deserve it. Still, sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest difference, and sometimes just our ongoing support can mean a lot more than we realize.

    It's pretty natural to feel like you can't help people, because a lot of problems people have are ones they ultimately have to deal with on their own. Mental health especially. The best you can do is to offer non-judgmental support when they need it and to let them know you love and care about them. I know that sounds kind of cheesy but it's what works for me.

    If you feel like you can't help people because you're still dealing with your own problems, then do your best do deal with them because in the end you'll be better equipped to help others.
    And the stuff you deal with always seems smaller than other people's problems. Seriously, I'm pretty sure everybody thinks that. Or thinks their problems are worse than everybody else's. Or maybe they don't. Point is that your problems are the ones you have the most power to fix, so that's what you should be focusing on most of all.

    And sorry if you weren't actually looking for advice. This post was mostly just to help me come to terms with some stuff, so thanks for giving me the opportunity :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  3. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,802
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Far above the clouds, gazing deep below the Earth
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Thanks, lettuce!

    I hardly have any ongoing support to give though... I also thought that if I could overcome my own problems I could become stronger and could help carry other people's burden. That might take years, though, when people close to me need help now. I feel so worthless, so much shame.
    I've always downplayed my problems... I'm not a selfish person even if I'm useless.
     
  4. lettuce

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2015
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Crisper
    Yeah, it's kind of hard to stand by and do nothing when someone close to you is hurting, even if there is nothing more you can do to help them. But you did admit that you were helping people, even if it wasn't as much as you want to. You just need to take things step by step, ask people if there's anything you can do to help them and keep working towards being better yourself. And I'm sure if you're happier then the people around you will be happier too, because they care about you!

    Also, as long as you don't act on your negative emotions there's nothing wrong with having them. In fact, it kind of makes you a better person.

    Sorry. It always seems a little presumptuous when I try to talk to someone about their problems when I know next to nothing about them. Still, my two cents is that it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong and you're probably not useless. Keep it up!
     
  5. Eveline

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2015
    Messages:
    1,082
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    home
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    One thing to keep in mind is that it is much harder to identify with another person's pain in real life when you don't have a stable identity to lean on. By taking on another person's problems you are creating a destabilization of your own identity through the act of sharing. In other words, you will be so much better at helping others and being supportive once you establish a stable female identity towards the end of the transition process. This is something that has also really been hard for me, I'm so much more empathetic and supportive online than I am in real life. It's as if there is a wall of numbess stopping me from being there for others when they need me. This is one of the things that I most look forward to in transitioning, opening up and being able to connect with others in a non superficial way...
     
  6. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,802
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Far above the clouds, gazing deep below the Earth
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Thanks, lettuce. I'm trying to work on my self-esteem, I haven't made much progress yet but I'm trying...

    Yael, your writing pierces my heart (in a good way). Everything you say is true. Thanks.