Fighting with mom, feeling conflicted and need help

You sure that your mother and my mother aren't related? I get a lot of those same feelings when it comes to my child some times.... like I'm not wanted and only good to provide. I think these feelings arise once children leave the nest. The thing is, my kid is not... make note of that word... NOT responsible for my happiness like you are not responsible for your mother's!! I understand the space thing but hey, I had a 3000 square foot house and STILL, no matter how good it was to see my mother, looked forward to departure so I could just do my own thing.. good or bad, it was my own thing. I limit visits to my child to one or two nights and I take a hotel even though there is plenty of space in the 2 floor, 2 bedroom apt. I remember what it felt like.

So you're thinking "what did you do about your mother". I'LL tell ya what I did.... I went nuts until the day she died. I sent presents and money and called often and feared when she'd say she wanted to visit for a few weeks or even come live with me. It's not that I didn't care for and respect my mother, but her insistence on having complete, undivided attention and toxic passive aggressiveness made staying in the same place unbearable.

Now ask what I SHOULD have done before I let the power of the Italian guilt push and pull me until I was nearly 50. I should have been more honest when I was young and remind her that at one time her life was incredibly busy and never permitted us to have guests or allowed unannounced callers because she needed that private time. Well, so did I. I would have told her that we could be better friends if we had boundaries so we didn't end up resenting one another and when she ranted and acted like no one loves her I should have reminded her that I do love her, but I need my own space to figure out my place in this world and should have told her to go home and I would call in a few days. When she hit me with how unhappy she was at home (and she did), I should have reminded her that I was too young and too up in the air and it was way too much responsibility to be responsible to make her happy. I should have let her go cry it out and do some of the growing up I had to do.

You could do that..... and let the chips fall where they may, or you can do what I did and stay unhappy in the relationship for the rest of her life. Now my mother hadn't provided financial support for me since I got my first full time job at 12 years old. In fact she depended on my income so I don't know how much that comes into play, but I can assure you that even though my own child is 28, I do not withhold. I do not call all the time, but message often to make sure that whatever is needed is taken care of.

if you don't correct the situation now, there will be lifelong resentment and you will always feel impotent and powerless.

Let me also say that my kid would never put me on the street but we both know that the living arrangements would be a disaster. Haha. My kid needs privacy, especially with beginning the f to m transition, making friends that I'm not used to and generally needing privacy to live a comfortable lifestyle. Like I said, when I drive out there, I get a hotel and make arrangements to take them out to do things and only hang out at the apartment to do cleaning or laundry or cook or strip the bed.....you know... mother stuff and although they probably aren't comfortable with that, I do have the presence of mind not to hang out all day and night and this is my way of continuing to "mother" them a bit.

SOMETIMES mothers have to be reminded that just because our kids are now adults, our position as MOTHER, not child, still stands.



Good luck!

 

There might also be something in the rental agreement about how long a guest/visitor can stay before they have to leave (or start paying rent, which I'm sure you don't want in this case).