This thread involves two boys, one being myself, and the other the guy I am currently interested in and who is interested in me... Our problem is that I am someone who believes doing things like making out and long cuddles should be something that makes the situation more special than it is and not something you always do :/ And the other guy (let's call him "L"), he thinks that those things are what make up a relationship... that you get to do them as often as you basically can... like when we both are home, we make out, when we watch a movie we always cuddle or when we go to sleep, we need to cuddle together. See, I have been raised to believe that those sorts of things are something one does when they are thanking someone special when they do something amazing for you, like they treat you out on an amazing date, or they are always there for you when you need them most... I've seen how my parents act in regards to things like them, and all they really do are general kisses (which I'm more than happy to do) and then the other things I've mentioned when it's special... never just a "I can do this so let's do it" thing... and I've basically based all my relationships on that as they've been together for over 20 years and are still as happy now as they were when they first got together. Any suggestions as to what we could do in terms of how to make this, and any other predicament, work would greatly be appreciated :help: Thank you
See, I have a third belief: I believe that these things should be done whenever both partners want to. In your case, he wants to often, and you, apparently... don't. Whether that's because you just don't want to, or because you think it shouldn't be done, is another question. You mention your parents. Well, maybe it works for them (or maybe you're just not around to see their making out). But not every relationship you'll have is going to be like your parents'. And maybe their relationship wasn't always the way you've always known it. They've been together for over 20 years, as you've said. A lot of stuff can change in 20 years. When they met, they may have had the passionate infatuation stage where they couldn't get enough of each other. And then it shifted into a strong, comfortable love where they don't need the constant making out. That's normal. The guy you're dating, on the other hand... He hasn't been with you for 20 years. Maybe in 20 years' time he wouldn't need the constant marks of affection, but right now it's new. He might need reassurance, he might just crave your touch, or maybe the physical stuff is just important to him. I say this not because there's anything wrong with you, but because I think the key to your problem is that you each have to try to understand where the other is coming from and reach some sort of compromise. And you know how you're going to do that? By talking about it. Tell him, honestly, how you feel. And ask him how he feels. And listen to him. And then negotiate. Because if this issue is non-negotiable for both of you, you're just not going to be compatible. You have to be ready for that, too. I know that if the person I was seeing pulled away when I tried to cuddle or make out, I would be hurt.
I'm curious about the disgusts part (I know that can sound wrong)... I don't see it clearly spelled out but One way I understand this is that you're not really into physical displays of affection/cuddling/etc? At any time? Only under certain conditions?
Your parents have chosen what works for them, but that's not the only way to have a happy relationship. Try to ask yourself what is the real harm in frequently showing such affection, especially when you're not in public. Try to separate what you are comfortable with from what you think is expected in a relationship. Obviously physical affection alone does not make up a relationship, but neither does thinking in terms of quid pro quo, which can kill spontaneity.
