Hey guys! For the last few weeks, my relationship with my current and first girlfriend has started to drift apart. We no longer talk and what was once a pretty lively friendship is now a case of avoiding the other or ignoring each other. It's my fault. I'm not a romantic guy. I'm not affectionate or cuddly. I feel more comfortable rough-housing than being cute. We only kissed once and there was no spark. During my uni's freshman orientation(UConn) I met a boy. Let's call him M. He's very different. So different I need to write about him....and possibly us? I've always had crushes on guys and girls. Hooked up with guys only because a relationship was too much for me to deal with. Plus, I hardly have any "game". I'm not a player although my guy friends think I do since I talk with girls easily. I've been told I'm charming but I tend to "ghost" out after a while. I realized I make friends more easily but have a hard time maintaining them probably because at that point it becomes about being open and intimate. This has always left me lonely and it's something I can't remedy. Back to M, he is more than the crushes I've had. At first, I didn't even acknowledge he existed until we were walking opposite ways and we bumped each other's arms after an activity. I noticed him but there was no immediate attraction. Much later we had a short break. I made sure to get my lunch sort of last in order to gauge the social dynamics and judge who to sit with. I'm very methodical that way I guess, but it was a great choice because M was there. He wasn't the reason why I sat with him and his peers who were all from the same school as him. I just went over and introduced myself to them as naturally as that. New friends, cool! On talking for a bit, we started to click on so many levels. His friends were hilarious but M was just so dorky and laid-back, I felt at ease with him. He listened and responded to me and I felt we were incredibly alike. He's very handsome so it's strange to me why I wasn't immediately crazily infatuated over him as is usually the case. When my crushes are around, I'm an anxious wreck. Not with him. I feel I could be myself and I wanted him to know me and he the same for me. When it was time for the next activity, M and I were together, chatting. We would go quiet for a bit then begin again almost like we didn't want to stop. I was so fascinated by him. What stuck out to me at that point was that his friends were completely at the end away from us. We were on the outside of the group. We were doing the Husky chant and still hitting it off. I had the strange sense that were leaning in to each other because I was shifting away from him a bit. It kept happening and I even chuckled a bit about it. Thankfully he didn't notice I hope.It wasn't out of discomfort but because I didn't want to get to touchy with him yet. I get really touchy sometimes when I'm into someone. Anyways it was time for the Campus tour and were split in two groups. I was in B and he and his friends were in A. I went to my group quickly and then I noticed someone called me. It was M and he had his arms outstretched. He went "awww" so decided to say "I miss you guys already". I don't want to make it obvious and say you, but he smiled and then I turned quickly because my whole body was flooding with heat. When orientation was over I saw him in the streets looking at me and we nodded. Since that day, I've been thinking about him and I keep going over how comfortable and safe I felt with him. I I felt like I could trust him and and I wanted desperately to known him more and not in a sexual way. Again, unusual because I have a very high sex drive. I honestly don't care if he's into guys or not. All I seem to care about is his companionship. Relationships and sex for me at this era in mylife is overrated and I want a friend. I've been on countless forums and I've never heard of two (gay/bi) guys having a real friendship. Call it what you will but a "bromance" doesn't sound bad and I'm not discriminating against feminine guys despite the connotation of that label. It has to always lead back to sex and a friend's with benefits situation and that has left me exasperated. I just want a friend. And if that friend is someone I can love, I will, in that moment and more to come cherish them for as long as I can. I want it to be organic and natural and something M or any other boy or girl can learn from. I wish I got his number or social media whatever, but I don't know how to ask. Maybe I'm confused about this so I want some advice and insight. Maybe someone has felt the same. I can't sleep thinking about this. I'm perfectly fine in a relationship where there's no sex involved. I just want to feel feel something for someone because I've been bitter my whole life. When I see couples being so affectionate with each other, it makes my heart melt even if I don't want to admit it outright. Thanks guys. I don't intend to bore anyone with pointless anecdotes.:icon_redf
There's this girl and I think I have a crush on her. How I asked for her social media was I went in a group with all our friends and I asked one for her snap chat. She laughed and gave it to me so I kinda looked over to another person and got hers. Then I turned to the girl and I asked for hers. It worked awesome because then I asked a gal after her and it didn't seem out of the ordinary. It was very normal even though I was jumping around inside. Maybe you could try something like that
Hi xylaz, I have experienced something similar recently, only I ended up developing feelings for him and started wanting more, which made it difficult for me to stay friends with him. The lesson I learned is that you should just go with the flow. Don't deliberately put in time and energy to make things happen, because when you start doing that you will start having expectations, which may cause you to get more emotionally invested than the other person. Maybe next time when you see him just ask if he'd like to hang out again some other time, go to a party or check out some cool place or whatever, then you can exchange numbers. Do it like you would with anyone you want to be friends with. Again, make sure you do not have any expectations. It's easier to be normal friends when you don't entertain the idea of anything more. Let things take their natural course and, if it leads to something more, great; if not, it's still good because you will have a good new and potentially great friend!
I was going to ask one of his friends for their Facebook, but we were all talking at once and I didn't find the right moment to ask. We had interesting discussions and side chatter and I didnt want to disturb the flow. The mutual friendship thing would've worked well. When M and I were alone, I forgot to ask =/ I hope I see him or his buddies when we start this fall. These high expectations are what I'm trying to avoid. It happens to me quite often and I feel burned out and insecure in the end. It pretty much ruined my friendship with the girl I started dating. M doesn't know the area so I've been thinking I could give him a tour or hang out at the many restaurants that litter the campus. Hopefully, everything works out.
I understand how you feel. Because of that I often wish I didn't have a heart. It seems its sole purpose in my life is to cause me pain and disappointment, and things would be so much easier without it. But that's just me whining All the best and let us know how things go!
Hi xylaz, You seem to be doing well as it is, you seem to be pretty socially aware. When I was 18-ish, I was just figuring out that I could "buy" friendships by organising parties and subsidizing food and alcohol. Btw, don't do that. If you're feeling nervous and insecure about the connection you have with this person, then that's OK. Part of you is probably thinking/feeling "wow, this is awesome!" while another part has panicky thoughts like "I must not screw it up in case I lose them!" I don't know if there's any right answer or textbook method for managing your life. On the one hand, you're aware of some traps about building expectations (only to get disappointed or rejected later). But on the other hand, do you really want to allow that fear to control what you do? You've probably heard some rules of thumb about friendships and relationships, and you don't want to "repeat the same mistake". Well, what if mistakes are OK? What if something you self-critically thought was a mistake with a past relationship was actually just bad luck? So if you want to learn from a past mistake by, being less clingy or needy, just as an example, then how do you know if you're being smart by "learning" or if it (the way you try to change yourself) is actually a superstitious ritual? It's kind-of an open secret that no-one knows what the heck they're doing in life. Ultimately, we're all winging it. And anyone who says/thinks otherwise, well maybe they just can't even handle the horrifying thought of not knowing.
