Mixed feelings on losing my virginity: Where do I go from here?

I apologize for the very long post. The past 30 hours or so have seen me undergo a wide range of emotions and even if no one responds I feel like I need to type out these thoughts as I don't know who I can talk to about them.

I was extremely happy after the Supreme Court ruling that I found myself smiling all day. Later that evening I met up with a gay friend (let's call him "Dan" for this thread) I had only met once before at a LGBT center to join some other people to celebrate the Supreme Court's decision. This person I met with brought his roommate (lets call the roommate "Jason" for the purpose of this thread). So the three of us go to a large gay bar where we meet up with several of Dan and Jason's friends. Some of them I had met a week before at the LGBT center and others I met for the first time. There was a dance floor in the middle of the bar and while I am not usually comfortable dancing, I ended up having the courage to go out there after several drinks made me tipsy enough to not care what others were thinking.

Now it's getting late and Dan decides he's going to head out soon, but only after stopping by dinner first. He was the person that, up until this point, I had been the closest to and he asked if I wanted to come with him to get food with one other person or stay behind with the rest of the group to keep dancing. I was really torn on what to do, but since I had not really experienced a gay bar before and since there were more people in the bar I decided to stay behind with the group.

Now after Dan leaves, his roommate Jason starts dancing close to me and before long we start grinding. I had never danced like that before (I've had a very repressed upbringing) and I was enjoying it. It's not that I was all into the guy before the dance, but I had never been touched like that before (I had spent the last 4 years at a homophobic Christian university where gay relationships could get you expelled). At this moment I wondered whether or not Dan had planned to leave me with Jason to potentially hook us up. After all, Dan had arranged a situation that led to Jason buying me a drink earlier that night.

Anyway, half an hour later that dancing got very sexualized, but I was so exhausted (I had been up since 7 in the morning at it was like 11:00 at night and I was worn out from the dancing and the alcohol). So we took a break as we watched a few drag queens sing and he put his arm around my waste and then began to rub my crotch area. I had not planned on anything sexual happening that night, but I enjoyed the sensation so I let it continue. Eventually we left the bar.

He asked if I was planning on taking the metro back to my place or if I would rather crash at his apartment (I was a little drunk, but I could have made it home safely). Still I kinda liked where the sexual tension seemed to be heading so I decided to go with him.

We get into Jason's apartment (Dan is still missing in action, apparently out celebrating) and I sit down on the couch. Jason then takes my jacket off and says he has a bed to lie down on if that would be more comfortable.:rolle:

(WARNING: the following six paragraphs may get a little graphic)

So I lie down on a bed and then he curls up next to me. And then he starts gently stroking parts of my face and he kissed me lightly. Then I started kissing him back only much more passionately. It gets really physical and then he starts kissing down my stomach to my pants. He takes off the belt buckle, removes my pants and then starts sucking my dick. It felt awesome.

Now I had always planned to lose my virginity to someone I had known for awhile and had grown to love, whether it would be a boyfriend or someone I had developed feelings for overtime. But that plan kind of went out the window after hormones got the best of me last night.

After we had removed our clothes I didn't know exactly where this was going. I awkwardly asked the question "do you normally top or bottom" only because I didn't know exactly what role I was supposed to play in this. He said he was a bottom.

Now up until this point I didn't really know whether or not I was a top or bottom. Most of my fantasies involved bottoming, but I always thought I could be versatile. But I think that was the moment I realized inside that I was definitely a bottom because I felt slightly disappointed. Still I went along with it. I was lying on my back and he ended up sitting on my dick and sliding himself down (apologize it its too graphic). Initially I was going to ask if he had any condoms, but since he had not brought it up I figured he didn't to and that he probably didn't have an STD if he didn't tell me (I know this is stupid and I'll get to that later). Anyway, the sensation of my dick being inside him felt pretty good and I proceeded to thrust. And it was at this moment I discovered something that no stories from friends and no porno had managed to convey to me:

SEX IS EXHAUSTING!!! I was already tired from being up and dancing for a few hours, and this was testing my limits. Still I managed to keep at it until I had climaxed. I lied back and was about to fall asleep.

But then it wasn't over. He then continues to stroke my penis to get me hard again. I was not in the mood for more, but I didn't want to come across badly so I let him continue. After a while I finally got hard again and he ended up alternating between jacking me off and sucking me until I had climaxed in his mouth.

He then tried to do the same thing AGAIN right after, but by that point I was so tired I told him I didn't think I'd be able to cum. So he then turns the lights off and we start to sleep.

Now I really enjoyed the feeling of sleeping next to someone with my arms wrapped around them. To me, it was more intimate than any sexual act. But as I lied there a bunch of thoughts started going through my head. Was I ready for this? Was he the right person to lose my virginity to? I had known this person for just a few hours and I had already had sex with him. Shouldn't it have been more personal? And am I kind of a slut now? And then a horrific realization hit me.

We had not used condoms.:eek:

I had realized we weren't using condoms earlier but I was so caught up in the moment and not thinking straight due to the sex and the alcohol that I just brushed it off. But now, a few hours later the gravity potential negative ramifications of this suddenly dawned on me. Suddenly got very scared and then started getting angry at myself for not speaking up earlier. I understand that tops usually aren't as at high of a risk of getting an STD as bottoms, but I still felt kind of sick to my stomach thinking about it. Eventually though I fell back asleep from exhaustion.

But then I wake up to him once again (this is at like 4 in the morning) sucking my dick while grabbing it. I was so tired and not in the mood (especially considering my earlier feelings of uneasiness) but he kept going. I really should have stuck up for myself and have just said "I don't want this", but I didn't say it. I was worried he'd think I was suddenly getting angry at him for no reason. And while I eventually had another orgasm I was definitely not enjoying the experience at this point. I remember thinking at one point "Is this what feeling molested is like? Not wanting to have sex but being used for someone else's gratification?"

Anyway we go back to sleep. Later in the morning he takes advantage of my morning wood and rides my dick for a little bit. After that he asks if I want anything to eat and then leaves. I follow him shortly after and find Dan cooking breakfast.

Now Dan was apparently slightly frustrated with Jason for not letting him know that I was coming over. This kind of surprised me as there was a part of me that had felt like Dan had secretly arranged the entire hook up. Still Dan was very nice to me and eventually the three of us ended up eating breakfast infront of the TV.

Throughout this time there was a part of me that wanted to ask Jason if he had any STD's he knew about or if he had been tested recently, but I could not think of a proper way to bring that up in the conversation, especially with Dan there. And it was during that time at breakfast I had realized something: I may have had sex with Jason, but I still felt closer to Dan as a friend and felt much more comfortable conversing with him. That realization made me wonder whether my sexual experience was a bad choice. I didn't love Jason. I was attracted to him for a time, but once I had climaxed the first time I just felt kind of guilty for some reason.

I ended up leaving because I was no longer feeling comfortable (though I said I had things to do).

So the question is, what now? I don't even have Jason's contact information, but I do want to find out whether or not he has ever had an STD and whether or not he has been tested recently. Because getting an STD test will be difficult if I do have to get one. For one, I am in the middle of an internship and I work during the times in which most STD centers are open. Two, it's pretty expensive and I am a poor jobless just out of college student. And three, even if I could use some insurance to reduce the cost (thought it will still be about a hundred dollars I think), my mom could probably find out I had used her insurance to go to an STD testing center which would raise a lot of questions (my family is filled with conservative Christians and my dad is a pastor. They don't know I'm gay).

And then there is my friendship with Dan. I do want it to continue, but I don't know if it ail be awkward because I had sex with Jason and don't want to do it with him ever again. I also need to contact Dan in the first place to get information about whether or not Jason has STD's and that's going to be incredibly uncomfortable.


There is a part of me that is glad that I am no longer a virgin and I did enjoy parts of last night. But for some reason I just haven't felt good about it. I ended up crying a bit this afternoon while thinking about it (and hugging a pillow) and I don't know why. I had wanted to have sex last night, so if I was okay with it then why am I not okay with it now?

 

Well I called Jason this afternoon. The conversation wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought. He told me that he was on Prep and that he had been tested a week ago and that his results for STDs (including HIV) came back negative. So he says as far as test results go, he's completely clean. He also said that since his testing, he hasn't had sex with anyone except me.

This is a huge relief for me as most testing centers I have looked up at cost around $200 to get STD testing and I didn't know if I could afford that (especially since I already owe my mother $3,000). I know I could get testing to feel extra secure, but a guy from a STD center said it's best to wait till at least two weeks after having sex to have more accurate results.

So with him telling me he's clean, do you think I should just wait until my next doctor's appointment (which would probably be early August) to ask about STD testing? I don't see any reason why he would lie to me about his results.

 

PatrickPH, you are scaring the shit out of me, though I do appreciate this information. I will definitely get an HIV test in 3 months. Would it help to test sooner?

I'm not entirely sure how PrEP works, but if Jason was on PrEP for the past 3 months, wouldn't that prevent him from being able to carry HIV?

Anyway I read this article, April/May #195 : Against All Odds - by Trenton Straube, which said the following:

I'm circumcised and (despite wanting to be a bottom), I topped during our sexual encounter. So if he does have HIV at least I have a 99.89% chance of not getting it. And this is assuming he has HIV (which I don't think he does) so I think the odds are in my favor.

…but that .11% is a risk I can never afford again and the thought of it terrifies me!:tears: I am never ever ever having unsafe casual sex again!

 

After three months of agonizing waiting I finally went to get an HIV test.

And I'm negative!! (!)(!)