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Not fitting in...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by nosnaws91, Jun 29, 2015.

  1. nosnaws91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2014
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    My whole life I've been different. I've always been the outcast. With people in my classes, at work even at home. I'm so tired of it. I'm 21 and I've never had any kind of close relationship with anyone. I feel so alone all the time and I keep everything in as my mom and sister don't like that I'm gay. So we simply just don't talk. Sometimes I get so down and frustrated with everything Im feeling and all the things that happen in my life that I just feel like I'm going to explode. I don't know what to do. I cry myself to sleep a lot and I just want to escape my life. It's not fun. It's lonely and everything just keeps piling up. My dog that I've had my whole life is dying, I'm getting evicted. I have no one around to talk to. My family is very clear about how much that don't enjoy my presence. When I was in high school my sister used to tell people I was adopted so she didn't have to be related to me. Idk what I think this post is going to do for me. I guess I'm just feeling so shitty and I have no other options to ease some pain. Even if its just venting to some random thread on some website that someone may or may not even read.
     
  2. rhamphorhynchus

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
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    Location:
    Vietnam
    Gender:
    Male
    I read all of your threads. I liked the ending part of the notepad writings. You showed hope. The hope that isn't nessesarily very visible now. I can't find it anywhere.

    I read the one where you told that you were struggling with gender identity. The truth is that, i don't really know what it is fundamentally to be male or female anymore, but if it makes you feel better, your words remind me of a boy.

    I read, and i read, and i read. But that isn't helping anyone.
    I may stand around, trying to really put in some thoughts and compassion, be tolerant, be supportive, and be understanding. Human may do stupid shits all the time, but we do have some remarkable social connection. Even it isn't something of our own achievement. Through nurturing, our surrounding teaches us a lot, grows us and modifies us. Influencing us. People, around you and me, influence. Give us strength.

    But if there's no people around you, huh ? No more unconscious influences, no more interaction ? Like a real dystopia. You are standing there. And you're stuck. In your own state of development. Because there's no longer anyone on earth to influence you anymore. You may say you could grow your own branch, but what if i say that you're no longer human if you're the only human ? (Even though then, you could be something transcends human). Well, no need for imagining, because you could still feel lonely while not being alone at all. You could be the only human on the world and being surrounded by other, modified versions of "human" (in your perception).

    What i'm trying to say is, you could ask for advice and advice and advice and advice amd avice and more advice, still, at the end, the problem is yours to solve. The problem is only solved by your effort. Sure, advice gives you preparation and knowledge. Other people's helps are precious. But the problem keeps chasing you, and you are stuck in it. It is because it's from inside you. Only you, and very definitely you, will be able to walk through that tunnel into yourself.

    Please, listen to the album Until The Quiet Comes by Flying Lotus. I think you need it now.