1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Is she into me?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Fernweh82, Jun 30, 2015.

  1. Fernweh82

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    So there is this girl at work...
    Ever since I started on the job, I noticed her. A very feminine girl: cute dresses, high heels, beautiful dark skin, curly long black hair, ... No one would ever suspect she's lesbian, but as it turns out, she is.

    I think she found out about her sexual orientation rather recently, like, over the past 5 years or so. I always noticed she made some subtle remarks in which she seemed to be doubting her sexuality. I'm not sure whether she only did so in my presence, or not. Though I often had the feeling that I was the only colleague that picked up on those hints, perhaps because it's all so familiar to me. Anyway, it did not come as a big shock to me when she started a relationship with another woman, about 3 years ago now.

    We've been colleagues for the same company for 6 years now, but most of the time we work at different locations. I only saw her once in a while. However, every time we met she was super friendly to me. Sometimes she and some other colleagues would meet up at her place after work. She was always the one who would ask if I would like to come too. (Seems maybe she's just polite that way, but I know she was picky about who she invited and who not).

    In recent months we had to collaborate on a project, so I saw her almost every day.
    And now... I'm com-ple-te-ly smitten. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I literally think every godforsaken moment of the day about her. I've got it so bad that I cannot concentrate on anything anymore.

    I got the idea thats she also might have taken an interest in me. Or at least she seems to be intrigued by me. You must know, I'm still very much "in the closet" as a bisexual.

    So, here's where I need your advice. What do you think? Is she in to me, or am I just seeing things...

    -She really gives me a lot of compliments. And I mean, a lot: almost about anything I wear. She likes my decorating style, she calls me a genius in what I do. Several times already she said we make a great team, and I made a great team leader (our "team" is just the 2 of us)
    -She laughs at all my jokes. (Even when they are really lame).
    -When she stands next to me, she always stands really close, sometimes brushing her legs or arms against mine. Normally I do not like it when someone does that, but when she does that, I love it, so I never pull away.
    -One time she mumbled something to herself about me acting cute. I acted like I didn't hear that...
    -Sometimes she seems to be looking for excuses to touch me: a little insect that landed on my neck, some problem with the lock on my necklace, ...
    - When I'm of to buy lunch at the local grocery store, she always walks with me, even though she already brought her own lunch.
    - She often makes eye contact with me. I am training myself not to look away.
    - One time she asked me if I could see the colour of her lingerie through her dress. She really showed off, as if she really wanted me too have a good look at her. I then just made a joke about it.
    - She also very often says things to get a reaction out of me (or so it seems). Things about men being "special creatures", or sometimes gay related things. Several times she mentioned she isn't really totally sure about her relationship. She's about to take some big steps (buying a house together), and it seems like it's frightening her a bit. One time she also said something like she wasn't sure her relationship would last...
    I never know what to say on such moments...

    Anyway, for me, there really is a sexual tension between us, but the problem is that our male colleagues seem to be getting that feeling that too. My boss started making some suggestive comments about us. I'm really annoyed by that because it makes that I am even more self aware and it makes me hold back.

    One time another male colleague insinuated that a rumour went around that the two of us were seeing each other. I know that colleague often says things to shock (he also isn't really used to lgbt people), so I did not find the need to respond to that. She, however, replied that it is not because she's attracted to women, she thinks of every woman as some kind of object. Still in front of that male colleague (and me) she literally said she did not think of me as a sex object (awch!). She added that she actually was more attracted to men, than to women. Like 60-40. So basically she said she was bisexual (That, I did not know about her...). But the way she said it, it seemed like it was more directed towards me. Like she was saying "Relax, I'm a bisexual too". She gave me some kind of strange look.
    I wanted to scream at that moment "hey, me too". But ofcourse, because of that male colleague, I did not. I'm really not comfortable with outing myself at work as a bisexual. Later, I did not find the opportunity (or the courage) to bring it up again, when I was alone with her.

    In the mean time our big project is finished. Big success. But now she has been placed again at the other work location. It will take about a month before I see her again...
    Don't know what to do now...

    So some advice, woud be much appreciated...
    What do you people think? Is this just all in my head? Maybe I'm mistaking the fact that she is sensing I am bi too, for the fact that she might be interested in me...
    But if you think she's into me, what should I do next. I really suck at flirting... Really don't have a clue how to behave or what to say or do...
     
  2. Hopeful

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2013
    Messages:
    241
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Hampshire
    Why don't you just talk to her about it? Tell her you're confused by the signals she's been giving you.
     
  3. DrinkBudweiser

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2014
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sitting in the closet isn't going to get you anywhere. That needs to be said first.

    She's at least obviously intrigued by you. I feel like I'm almost the exact same way when I have that "straight girl crush" - I doubt she'll ever just full blown express her fondness for you without you returning some sort of flirting signal in return. It's not her that's giving you mixed signals, it's you being buried in the closet that's causing the problem. Mention something one day that makes you seem like someone who's attracted to women. Celebrity crush, something. That should strike some sort of barrier open..... You can't expect to get what you want without effort. Stop ignoring her remarks, or subtly flirt back.
     
  4. Pops21

    Pops21 Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2014
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I have a very similar problem. The woman does all of the above you mention, even the lingerie thing but I think she just sees me as a friend. I find it hard to figure out if the person just feels comfortable around me and feels close or if it's more. As she is out as bi, I feel like she does like you but you aren't putting your feelings forward- you need to meet her half way. I agree with the above poster- you need to let her know you're interested in women
     
  5. woahthatsboring

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2015
    Messages:
    274
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    She's gotta know you're into women first before anything goes further otherwise you'll become her "girl-friend" instead of her "girlfriend" ya feel me? Sure, she can guess that you're much more ambiguous than the average straight girl but without any evidence it's all really just guessing. To me, it seems like she's flirting with you otherwise she wouldn't be waiting for you to get lunch, touching your arm for ridiculous reasons. Otherwise known as COMPLETELY GOING OUT OF HER WAY! And obviously the flirting on her part is noticeable if your co-workers are talking about it. Give it a go! She's a was your friend first so imagine it as though you were talking to her before the feelings came into play :slight_smile:
     
  6. Fernweh82

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    First of all thanks, you guys, for the advice. I feel a bit more confident now.

    You are absolutely right. I really need to be a man about it (yup, pun intended) .

    The thing is that I think flirting with men is just sooooo much easier than doing so with women. Not really sure why but it just makes me so insecure. Maybe it's because I get the feeling that I can be more subtle about it, because a woman senses these things quicker than men and I don't want to be too obvious about it. Or maybe because I tend to be more intimidated by a woman, than by a man. With a man I have the feeling to be more in control of things. Does that even make sense?

    Moreover, the whole urge-to-come-out-at-work-thing is completely new to me , and I 'm just really not sure how to go about it . I'm rather private about it, and I would like to keep it that way towards my other colleagues. It does make things kinda difficult, since I can never find myself some time alone with her long enough to spell things out to her.
    To be clear, it 's not that I'm not trying to sent out some signals to her. But you are absolutely right when saying that the signals that I sent out are probably more confusing for her than the other way around. So yeah, guess the next step really is just telling her... Anybody has some great tips on that?

    However, there still is the issue of her being in a relationship. I'm really not the kind of person who is out to break up couples... Maybe that's why I so much wanted to be sure if she really is flirting with me...
     
  7. Lin1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,336
    Likes Received:
    531
    Location:
    somewhere over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think I would simply ask her something along the lines of '' how did you figure out you were bisexual ?" it can be simply out of curiosity so doesn't out you as bi but can also give her the occasion to ask you if you are confused etc... and for you to hint that you are.
    That's probably what I would do.

    To be honest, I do think there is something there. I personally have a surprisingly good 'gaydar' (if there is such a thing) and I can quickly tell a bi-curious/bi-sexual girl from a straight girl and while I may give hints if I am interested I won't make a move until she make it clear that she likes me/girls in general.

    Recently I met that cute girl, I immediately got a bi vibe from her but she was the closeted type, so she was sending mix signals that completely messed with me. At some point I got tired of it and bluntly told her that she was confusing the heck out of me and that I had no clue what she wanted nor expected from me and it was getting exhausted. That's when she grabbed me and made out with me haha but all that to say that if she is like me she probably already know that you like women and just wait for you to hint it, that's why she is giving you all those signals so you get comfortable enough to come out to her. Well that's what I think at least.

    Being openly bi and having a girl that's closeted but send you mix signals is exhausting, so try to woman up and tell her, at least indirectly. You obviously like her a lot so what's the worst that can come out of it ?