Hello EC, I have been trying for a few months to date and get out of my confort zone as I am usually a very shy guy. And I haven't had much sucess at all. I've had a few unsucessful first dates that just wouldn't work out and I think that's fine since you can't please everyone. But everytime it starts to feel like it could possibly go somewhere something happens and it goes wrong. Two recent occasions have actually made me upset enough and have been quite tough on me. One was where I met a guy through a dating app and we went out since the conversation went really well. We meet up and have a great first date, awesome chemistry and everything. Eventually, he slept over here before travelling and it was very nice to sleep next to someone I liked. But the next day at night he texted me saying that he isn't ready for a relationship, that I was special but he didn't want to make me anxious since he couldn't give me what I wanted and it made him feel bad to do so. We talked for a few days after this talk since I wasn't understanding why it happened, he was always so kind and considerate with me. It was very sudden. The day he came back I asked if we could meet up and talk about what happened but he ignored me. Therefore I stopped texting too. A few days later he comes back saying that he "thought of me" and that I was special and that he couldn't be with me and he wasn't ready due to being hung up on his ex. He ended saying that he wasn't right for me at the moment but maybe later. I didn't bother replying. I genuinely respected how he felt, I just couldn't get over that he was so nice but still droped it all off by texting. It made me feel like everything he ever said to me was a lie. Even if we were to get back together I was certain that he wouldn't respect me and think he could do anything he wanted and that it wouldn't matter. We haven't spoken ever since and I don't consider trying again. Second case is shorter but is very recent. I met this one through a mutual friend months ago. We hit it off quite well, we have the same interests, same taste in music and good chemistry. We talked for a few days but on the second day he said he had gone to see his ex and decided to go back to him. At the time I wished him the best and I was fine with the outcome. Flash forward to two weeks ago, past the first case. And he suddenly messages me. I didn't ask him anything about his ex. We talked normally, things go good and he says that we should do something one of these days. I invited him to go out for a drink three times but something always happened. At first he was sick so we ended up talking for 2 hours straight on skype. I indeed saw that he was sick so I was fine. The second time, he said he couldn't due to having to get stuff done. After the third time he said he would rather go clubbing so I just gave up. My question finally comes. What am I doing wrong? It seems like every guy I have a good conversation and I'm atracted to is hung up on their ex and I can't stand it anymore. I live in a relatively small town and options are not plenty. My options narrow even more since I'm picky (I admit that about myself). I try to be open to new people but it seems like no one knows what they really want unless it's sex. It's even harder to meet guys when everyone goes to the same places. I dont consider staying here forever and hope that it gets better once I move to a bigger city but it just isn't working out right now. I apologize for the long text but I had to get this off my chest. Thank you in advance for reading
Well, it may be a mix of a couple things. In the cases you mention, sure, a couple guys in a row hung up on their exes, and that's too bad. But, you also mention being picky, and seem fairly ready to believe the worst ("It made me feel like everything he ever said...") in some cases. Not that I'm saying these situations would have worked out - if they were hung up on exes, there's nothing you could have done to change that. It was happening before you got there. So I certainly don't think that's anything to beat yourself up about. Just try to stay optimistic - particularly on apps, you'll have a lot of people to wade through, as anyone can sign up for free (on most) at the drop of a hat, whether they're ready to date or not. When you do meet someone who's not hung up on an ex, though, be ready to believe the best about him - everyone comes with baggage, and if you're ready to accept appropriate levels/types of baggage, you'll be fine.
Thank you for taking the time to write back I admit I am quite pessimistic when it comes to those things and I get a bit "eager" to believe the worst. Those situations where people are still hung up make me feel that there really isn't many options out there. Especially considering it's a relatively small town where almost everyone has a friend in common. When I say picky I'm not directly talking about looks. Not that I don't care about appearances. I do think it's important but those two last guys it was more about the instant chemistry, you know? I talked to a really gorgeous guy the other day but he seemed a little bit bipolar since he was all nice and the other minute he was very rude. I didn't waste much time on that case despite the looks. I'm more picky on how well the conversation goes rather than how someone looks. When it comes to baggage I think it's more important how the person deals with the baggage than the baggage itself. Am I making sense? Of course sometimes it can be just too much but I didn't have this problem yet. I'll try to stay more optimistic but I think I'm going to spend some time away from the "swiping" app. I don't know how long I should stay away but until then I'll focus more on my friends and on my writing. I believe it's more important. My dissapointment is more about how small my town is rather than love but every place has it's problems. Thank you again. I'll try to be more optimistic and less anxious about things in the future
No problem! And a couple more thoughts - I think the instant chemistry feeling is very familiar and very exciting to anyone who's felt it. However, sometimes it doesn't actually lead to the best relationships. Try maybe finding people to just talk with for a while - within your realm of attraction is fine - but getting to know someone can, in the only slightly longer run, be just as exciting, plus you find out about any potential deal breakers before you're already invested. I think you hit it spot on! And sometimes this can be a good thing. Apps in particular make it hard to "take a break." But constant dating can make it all a blur at times. Good luck!
The first story sounds similar to one that I had recently. This guy messages me on a dating app, the conversation goes wonderfully, and we meet. The next thing that happened was: "We meet up and have a great first date, awesome chemistry and everything. Eventually, he slept over here before travelling and it was very nice to sleep next to someone I liked." He tells me that he likes me and makes all of these wonderful plans to be with me. We continue seeing each other but when I bring up the "can we be exclusive?" he says that he is super focussed on school and can't handle a relationship yet. So I say ok, that's alright, and he tells me he loves me and so on. Eventually, it turned out that he grabbed this other guy while he was seeing me and was being exclusive with HIM, even though he was making plans with me and telling me how great I was, and how "bad" he is. The guy and I ended up meeting and talking online, and he lost the both of us. But yeah... Now I find it hard to move on after this "ex", or whatever you want to call it, because he couldn't be truthful. This may be the case with this guy - promising happiness (unless he didn't) but really testing out the waters at the expense of another's feelings. Who knows though. lol
