I have had this friend for over ten years. When I came out ten years ago, she was the first person I came out to. I had a crush on her, but given that we worked together, I was newly out of the closet, not knowing where she stood and not wanting to lose her friendship I didn’t say anything. Six years later she has changed careers I am in a long term relationship when she calls me up one day and comes over, and comes out. That was three years ago. The last three years have been a confusing mess, the night she came out it hit me like a TON OF BRICKS, I secretly realized that my feelings had resurfaced, but did and said nothing opting to focus on my happy solid relationship. I was the supportive friend listening to her pine for a woman at work who she was frustrated with because she wouldn’t leave her boyfriend to be with my friend full time My girlfriend and I decided to be nice and we took her with us on a weekend away to get her mind off said other woman who was off doing stuff with her boyfriend. I think I was a bit naïve to the whole situation because listening to her miss that other woman over a four day span made me super jelous. My girlfriend and I have a strong relationship and before said trip I confided in her that said feelings had resurfaced, but that I had no intention of ever letting that be known to said friend, as I am happy in my relationship. But at some point in the trip I guess jealousy got the better of me and I got super drunk and confessed said feelings to said friend. I don’t drink at all so my girlfriend was more shocked that I had a drink then that I had confessed I have no memory of confessing my girlfriend told me the next day to which I responded by crying out of embarrassment and was relieved to learn that the friend said she saw me as a sister problem solved, right? WRONG! Six months later she showed up at my door first time we had seen her since the confession, it was my birthday with flowers and chocolate talk about confusing! She had never got me a gift before and now flowers and chocolate when I am in a relationship with someone else I thought it was a little strange my girlfriend just thought it was a birthday thing? Then she went super distant for a few months saying she needed time to think without being influenced when we respoke she would try to say that gf was cheating on me or vice versa when I finally called her out on this she called me crazy and delusional and that she never tried to come in between my relationship and apparently I made it all up So I ended the ten year friendship but I really, really miss her and don’t understand what happened, I recognize that she may not be in a place to talk about this and my girlfriend says I need to let the emotions go. But I am stuck so many unanswered questions. I haven’t spoken to said friend in six months now and to my knowledge she's only out to me and my gf she was in a closeted relationship for over a decade. Oh and when I ended it she asked that we remain facebook friends, why? Can someone help me make sense of this?
Hello, Friendships, especially ones that span over decades, should not really end from a single argument, no matter how hurtful the words that were said. I should know, you should see the toxic stuff I spew on my few life long friends, and things just blow over after a while. I think what's confusing you is your own feelings for this friend of yours, and I think you need to make a distinction between romance and friendship, regardless of the fact that you both like girls. if anything, this friendship should be one you should hold on to, since having a close friend who knew you for such a long time will help you a lot work out some issues or just basically bitch to when you're having girl trouble. I've had a similar, yet flipped situation. my friend whom I have known for over 15 years now, and whom was basically my best friend, came out to me a few years back as gay. He discussed his exploits in graphic details, and I was always reserved yet supportive. he of course had no idea about my own struggles with my own identity. Over the long years which we were friends, we have had colossal fights, and sometimes I would feel that he is over reacting to me, and in the end I would always call him over and talk it out and say the fight is too silly to lose such a friendship over. one day we were both drunk, and he confessed to me that over the years he has always been crushing on me, and he knew I wouldn't respond the way he wanted me to so he never did tell me. He was right of course, but really that didn't change anything, we were still best friends, and if anything I understood his weird outbursts and his tendency to want to end our friendship. it was too hurtful to him, and also, when someone we love deeply says something mean, we tend to get more hurt than when someone irrelevant does. What i'm trying to say is : make up. you need your friend, and monitor your reactions, maybe your romantic feelings are making you too emotional and that could really hurt and confuse people. and when you are relaxed and all is well, try to have a nice little talk. This is of course is my opinion based on my own experience, and I don't really know if it makes any sense to you, but I hope it helps at least.
The thing I don’t understand is the mixed messages on her part, I confessed not my finest moment she said I was like a sister and then showed up with flowers and chocolate? And my perception is created shit by suggesting I was being unfaithful. I am a natural flirt, but never cross any lines in my relationship with gf. When we had the fight that I ended it she said I didn’t care about her anymore or her life that I was pressuring her to always spend time with her. Excuse me for being a little frustrated and wanting to spend some quality time with her. My once reliable friend, would make plans and then bail because she was obsessed with said girl from work. I am hurt and confused and my emotions are putting a strain on things with gf, which aside from me being stuck about to say friend are good. I am not at a place where I want to talk yet, but her very name causes tension with gf and I now. And as much as talking would probably help I don’t want to push gf away more. Anyone have any wisdom greatly appreciated
I would say if it's causing tensions in your relationship then keep your distance from said friend you don't want it ruining your relationship to then find out your said friend never wants a relationship with you. It's hard breaking it off but sometimes you just have to do the right thing for you and your gf happiness
My best friend and I were intimate in high school. We were on again off again friends part of the time during middle school/high school, and off for a lot of our early adult years. We reconnected last summer, and it has been so good to have her in my life again. We still have some feelings for each other, but we are both married and off limits. We live far away from each other, so that helps on the feelings end of things, but we can still talk and text. I think I'd write a letter to her and discuss your side of things so you can get all your feelings out at once without being interrupted. I usually send my friend letters (not emails) for things like this, and in part because of the novelty, and for us the remembrance of our many, many notes we passed in school, it is meaningful.
had the biggest fight of my relationship over this last night but we are actually talking this through i think after a certain length of time one becomes comfortable and forgets that the other hasn't always been there if that makes sense i also wrote a very long letter to my friend and put in my journal gf and i have a new level of communication i think and and am sure there is still work to be had but i think we are heading in the right direction said friend is outta my life if she ever tries to make contact i am too hurt emotionally to make contact in return thank you everyone for your support
