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Wanting to fix relationship but might be impossible

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Sek, Jul 5, 2015.

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  1. Sek

    Sek
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    I'm in a relationship with someone who is deeply closeted. When we got together I was pretty much in the same position, except now I've come out more and there's a group of people who know about my sexuality. He however is not out to his friends/family at all, and at 23 years old I don't know how much longer he plans to carry on. He is not in a dependent place at all, in fact he lives in another country away from them.

    He lives his life buried underneath lie upon lie to people and never faces the truth. I have had suspicions about him for some time, because I have always been compartmentalised in his life and never allowed into other areas. He has some suspicious history and current relationships that he is never willing to divulge. Granted, I haven't asked many questions, but when I have they are almost always shut down with blunt answers that play dumb, at least so I think.

    I have shared my concerns about being lied to before and he told me that he isn't hiding anything from me, it's just that he is hiding me from other people because he isn't ready to come out. As much as I want to believe it, I can't buy it. He spends his life lying to friends and family -- why wouldn't I be any different?

    There are a few reasons I am suspicious. It's entirely circumstancial evidence, but I can't ignore it. I don't feel answered when I do pluck up the courage to speak up and tell him how I feel.

    There may be no problem here, and it being down to misunderstanding and miscommunication is a possibility. But I spend a lot of time upset and feeling like I'm left out of the picture. Sometimes I even feel like he's not interested in being with me.

    I cling on so much, and I'm loyal to a fault. I don't walk away from people easily and I am so deeply hurt when relationships end. But I think that I'm keeping myself in the mud by staying in this relationship. I want us to be open and honest, to be on the same page, and us to enjoy being together. But I feel like that's not going to happen with him because he is so buried under lies.

    I would love if you could share your thoughts, opinions or personal experiences with me around what I'm going through. :icon_sad:
     
    #1 Sek, Jul 5, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2015
  2. June Cleaver

    June Cleaver
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    In my last relationship I felt the same way and the lengths he went through to never get "caught" was ridiculous! Example; he tore my bedroom curtains down, put tinfoil over the windows, nailed 3 sheets plus a comforter over each of the three bedroom windows and still thought someone was looking. The real funny thing was he lived legally in my house with my address on his licence. LOL In that extreme I ended the relationship, because life is too short to be a sex toy! It goes without saying we were never seen together in town and he would do his family things separate from me always which would leave me home alone quite often on a weekend. He would answer the phone to his brother, boss, whoever always lying about where he was and when they would see him. Are you talking that bad of a situation?

    Finally I realized he lies to everyone and if I am good enough to love, live with, and want endless sex with, then I'm good enough to be known as his girlfriend. So I ended it to level myself out and be ready for the man who will love me for me and stand up and grab life with me not embarrassed of me if that makes sense? By allowing the craziness I already knew in the end I would get hurt.

    Now parents/ family I do understand must be dealt with in his time and I can accept that. After all he was born to them, but all else he chose.

    It sounds like you are not happy and that will only grow more over time eventually ending bad I would predict. Now I do not know the complete details in your case, but gave mine six months without pressure to start manning-up before I ended it. After all it must come from him, not you forcing the issue. June
     
    #2 June Cleaver, Jul 5, 2015
  3. Sek

    Sek
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    In a practical sense our relationship is not inhibited because we live in a big city where being gay is viable, and he moved from another country so he doesn't have spying relatives. So we don't go to that kind of extreme. :lol:

    But he does lie about where he is, what he does, etc to his friends and family. And that makes it harder for me to trust him knowing that he lies to people on a daily basis.

    I would say I deserve to be recognised as the person he loves, as I have done for him to my friends.

    After reading your message, I will give it a while but I'm going to talk to him in the meantime. I'll bring it up and hope we can get back on the same page. This time however I'm going to make him recognise that I don't plan on sticking around for much longer if it all continues, and that if he wants to be with me change is needed.
     
    #3 Sek, Jul 5, 2015
  4. June Cleaver

    June Cleaver
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    It sounds like you are being quite reasonable and yes if he is in the habit of lies to others in your presence, than there is a good chance that goes for you too in their presence. Communication is key here! Good luck, June
     
    #4 June Cleaver, Jul 5, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2015
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    Honesty and authenticity are fundamental to any relationship (intimate or otherwise), and authenticity is a fundamental part of being emotionally healthy. If this person lies about everything... you have nothing at all on which to base a healthy relationship.

    Even if you talk with him, someone who fundamentally lies about everything isn't going to change quickly and it is going to be hard to make any long-term meaningful change. More likely, he'll get more crafty about his deception.

    Honestly, you deserve better.
     
    #5 Chip, Jul 5, 2015
  6. warthog

    warthog
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    Sounds like my ex. I get frustrated from the lack of communication, and decided in the end to cut contact. life is too short man. It hurts like a sonofabitch but there are times in life when you must let go of someone, no matter how deeply attached you are. It will take a while - god knows it'll take forever in my case - but the world is full of people and you'll get over it... i hope.
     
    #6 warthog, Jul 5, 2015
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