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I'm starting to resent my best mate over MY feelings for him and I know it's wrong

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Alexadventurer, Jul 6, 2015.

  1. Alexadventurer

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    Long story short, I've known my best friend for 7 years and been in love with him for roughly 3. I had a handle on it for a long time, as I was able to set aside my romantic feelings for him as I did not want to lose our friendship.

    We shared a handful of sexual experiences during uni days, but nothing hectic. Truth be told, he is straight, but definitely not adverse to messing around (even though he will never admit it and I've never pushed him into trying anything - in fact, the times we have messed around he's initiated it and I've resisted most of the time as I know it doesn't mean anything to him).

    We've been living together for 2 years now - he has a serious girlfriend whom he loves very much (and so do I - I think they're great together) - they've been together for a few years and him and I have never done anything since they've been together (I would never do that and I don't think he would either).

    What's frustrating me lately, is I know I'm gay (and I hate the fact, even though I know I shouldn't) and my self-control of my romantic feelings for him seems to be waning of late. I think I'm irritated more than anything that he always drops hints etc yet I know deep down nothing will ever come of it. I would go so far as to say he knows I'm gay and he'll say things to get a rise out of me - which I avoid and play down. He's asked me straight up if I am gay and I've said no. (but he didn't ask me if I was gay in a way that he would want to explore something with me, I am a hundred percent sure of this). He's admitted to messing around with one or two other guys, but when he was much younger. I refuse to admit I'm straight up gay to him - this is purely a pride issue for me and because I know he will derive some sort of satisfaction knowing that I'm gay that I want him, yet he's happily in a relationship with a girl (even though he would never intentionally throw this in my face).

    I honestly have no idea what I'm writing here - I'm trying to make sense of it all as I put it down.

    To sum up, I guess I know I'm doing myself harm in the long run by keeping him in my life. But romantic stuff aside, we really are like brothers in a way and I know we care for each other deeply. I'm just worried that I'm starting to resent him more and more because I can't get a handle on my emotions as well as I used to, and that if I cant, I'm going to land up losing our friendship as well. I know it's wrong of me to be pulling away from our friendship in the way that I'm doing it, but a part of me thinks it may be for the best. Thoughts and advice would be much appreciated :slight_smile:
     
    #1 Alexadventurer, Jul 6, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2015
  2. Trooper

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    Re: I'm starting to resent my best mate over MY feelings for him and I know it's wron

    Reading stories like this makes me happy to be so over the whole straight crushes business. Sorry to be so blunt, but you're truly wasting your time with this guy, and considering how long you've had feelings for him, you're only going to feel worse as time goes on. I would strongly advise you to try to find a way to move on (like moving out).
     
  3. Alexadventurer

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    Re: I'm starting to resent my best mate over MY feelings for him and I know it's wron

    Thanks, yup, no need to apologise for the bluntness, I know it's the right thing to do. This is going to sound weird, but when we decided to move in together I was well over being in love with him and it has been smooth sailing - only in the last 3 months have I seemed to regress back into my old romantic feelings for him that have managed to cloud the friendship. And hence your advice is spot on - need to get out instead of just doing myself more damage
     
  4. blueyoshi3

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    Re: I'm starting to resent my best mate over MY feelings for him and I know it's wron

    To me, it sounds like the part of him that is completely happy with his girlfriend and would never do any of the things you said he would is the real one.

    The one who would derive a sense of satisfaction from you being gay sounds like a fear-based projection. Because of this, I would say that you CAN still preserve your friendship and leave. Admitting to him (And maybe yourself first if you're not there) that you're gay and have feelings for him before you leave him will help him understand that you can't do this anymore. Just let him know you'd like to keep in touch, but with a little more distance until you can demystify.