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Is it possible to love/hate someone so much that hurts?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ArlettBaySB, Jul 9, 2015.

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  1. ArlettBaySB

    ArlettBaySB
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    My father, oh my father...
    I've been my father's worst nightmare ever since I was born.
    You see. He never wanted me, I know that (he was married to someone else and my mom got pregnant) I think one of the worse memories I have, to date, is the day he told me he always wanted a boy instead of girls (he has 4) I was 9 or 10.

    My whole life I've been different, I can't never find a place where I don't feel like I'm the odd one. I've always been weird. Kind of awkward, also. In my family I'm a freak or a wallflower, sometimes both.

    He has never understood any of my hobbies or showed some kind of interest in the things I wanted or needed.
    Sometimes he's not even respectful. He's always discussed about me as I'm just a matter of money.

    The first (and only time) my parents thought I was a lesbian, I was the pain, the worst thing that could've happen. My mom cried a river and my dad suddenly was talking to me as if he had been there the whole time, like he had any right to tell me what I had to do with my life. (he has been in my life as much as he likes, sometimes he's there because he's got a relationship with my mom and sometimes he's gone)

    I ended up saying what they needed to hear, so we all could be happy.
    So I wouldn't have to see my mom cry for me ever again.

    Sometimes when we talked, he never listened and just said all the ways that went wrong with me.

    Like I was some kind of twisted mistake.

    I felt that way for a LONG time. Sometimes I still do...

    He broke my trust thousands of times, and he hurt me as any other human being has.

    Yet, with all these things and more, I've tried to forgive him, to live my life as I wish, to do the things I want because I CAN. Because it's my life.

    If I'm a twisted mistake, then I'm gonna be the happiest mistake in this place.

    And I love him, he's my dad. I had good times listening to him too, we shared some good memories and I'm not going to deny it. There are times when I think and wish he's not my father and I feel awful; because, everytime I say he's not my father I'm denying who I am. He's a part of me too. My mother and my father made me and I am who I am, in some part, because of them.

    But I know that as much as I love him, I hate him too.
    He has given me too many scars in this life. I'm not broken for I refuse to be broken.

    So I put in this forum this question, is it possible to love and hate someone this much, and at the same time? Or am I just nuts?

    I would like to hear from you and your experiences. I would like to realize that I'm not the only one....

    Thanks for reading.
     
    #1 ArlettBaySB, Jul 9, 2015
  2. Feline

    Feline Guest

    Yes, it is quite possible to love/hate someone so much both feelings hurt. Especially if it is someone as important in your life as your father is.

    I've felt this way before too, with a few people, in a especial intensity when I've felt betrayed...

    Not too long ago I lost someone who I thought was going to be my best friend forever. We had a beautiful friendship that lasted around 7 years. We were not accidentally bound by blood relations, but I considered her more than my sister. Yet she did something I found terribly hard to understand/forgive... At the end, after a few years, I forgave her, and I really tried to understand why she did what she did, but I couldn't trust her anymore. And it hurt so much, everything was suddenly gone, I was doubting if all our friendship had been a lie, if I had been a fool for believing in her. And it burnt; the blood could have boiled within my veins by how much hatred and how much love I felt for her. How much I longed to have her in my life, to not lose her... just as much as I didn't want to ever hear her name again. I was going insane. Thankfully that's done, even if sometimes it still stings a bit to remember, but I'm finally through that.

    I'm sorry you're going through this with your father, that is more complicated. Be patient, as patient as possible (and more). Try to enjoy the good moments that come, but don't indulge him whenever he starts a drama. Try to put yourself in his shoes, even though he is not innocent, but to understand that he is merely acting upon his own frustrations, he probably has no clue how to act otherwise, how to be sensitive and caring (growing in Latin America, I'm aware that those traits are usually seen as feminine and "degrading" for males to have. Machismo *rolls eyes*).

    I really hope you can find peace in the future. Hope I'm not coming through as too rude but don't give too much attention to his pettiness, it will most likely continue and won't change.
     
    #2 Feline, Jul 9, 2015
  3. ArlettBaySB

    ArlettBaySB
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    Thanks for your words and for sharing your story with me :slight_smile:
    It means a lot..
     
    #3 ArlettBaySB, Jul 9, 2015
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