I started having feelings for my best friend of a billion years in high school. We spent every waking moment together for years and did a lot of intimate things. I never realized my feelings (I thought all best friends were that close) or that I was gay until the end of college, but I pushed this friend away at the end of high school. I was always subconsciously jealous of her boyfriends and I couldn't handle feeling like she was cheating on me or that I was unworthy when she'd start dating a new guy. I've always felt guilty for pushing her way and she never understood why I did, and I didn't either. So fast forward to now. I'm 22 and I fully acknowledge I had feelings for her. I saw her recently at a bridal shower (our families are still close) and we both said that we miss each other a lot. We talk more often and she is still dating our friend from high school. I want her in my life as my best friend again because we really were the best of friends, but I don't even know how to have a normal friendship with her, or that it's even worth it, and I'm scared my feelings will pick up where the ended. I still feel jealous of her boyfriend, as much as I don't want to be. Any advice? ALSO I am not out, and I can not even imagine her knowing I'm gay without being totally freaked out. We slept together and showered together and spent a lot of time naked together since forever and I was always super physically attracted to her. So any advice on that would be humongously appreciated because it's causing me a lot of anxiety.
I had a friend like that in High School and to this day regret not taking a chance by telling her how I felt about her.What do you really have to lose by telling her? Good Luck whatever you decide
Besides just not feeling ready to tell anyone yet, I guess I'm scared of her realizing that I had feelings for her all those years without her knowing, like maybe I was deceiving her. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me or think I was creepy. I don't want all of our other friends and her family to think the same. It's basically just super scary to feel vulnerable to all these opinions without much control over them, I think I would be a mess mentally for a while. Thank you