Just wanted to get this out

Well i couldn't find a better title, i'm not really seeking a specific advice it's more that i'm sharing this and somehow "getting it out of my heart", Just saying but my English is not my native language.

So i'm a 17 years old male from some county in middle east, this is literally the worst place on this earth for LGBT people, gays are being called here "abnormals" and they're treated like crap (people here ask them rudely to get some medical treatment =/ ) i don't consider myself to be a gay though, i used to be really curious about other males once i was like 7-8 years old or something but it didn't really bother me much.

So..i used to be a friend for some guy, we used to hangout together and chat about some stuff, we weren't that much of close friends, after a year or something we joined the same high school together (10th grade) and stuff never changed as well at that year, next year we used to hangout pretty much every weekend together alongside some other guys, stuff never changed till some holiday period we call "spring holiday", we were hanging out together then some stuff happened and we met some "trouble-seeking" guys, they tried to beat me up but he was the one who stood up for me and defended me and he got beaten up for it i got rid of that guy and we ran away together,i literally wish myself dead before this shit happens.

I did apologize to him (i had no feelings towards him at that point) and he had no bad feelings towards me cause of that and he said it was fine, it was the first time i'm put to such situation and i was extremely nervous so i couldn't deal with it, anyways..

After this incident i started to develop some feelings for him (i've known him for 3 years at that point and no, these feelings weren't really related to that "fight") i couldn't resist hanging out without him, i would be really in a bad mood even if i'm hanging out with my best other friends if he's not there, at some point these feelings started to get really intense and affect my whole life, i would try to study or do some other activity but i couldn't get him out of my mind, i would just see his photos and cry that he'll never share me the same feelings, i wasn't sexually attracted to him, i was and i'm still emotionally attracted to him, i love everything about him, literally everthing.

During the last summer holiday we started to hangout everyday, we were always together and we got so close, it felt really good to hangout with him, i would try my best to keep him happy and i would feel guilty when he's bored.

At some point i discovered that he had some sexual stuff with some other guy, i got extremely jealous by all means, i was like ffs why not me =/ but i always had lots of thoughts about myself being unattractive and hideous, i really think that i'm pretty much disgusting in eyes of other people although i try my best to look good.. these negative thoughts caused me to suffer from BDD till this day.

My friend is not a gay though, these stuff were few years ago and he got more religious during these years and abandoned these gayish thoughts cause it's forbidden in our religion, i don't really care about this considering that what is so called gay couple doesn't exist here, and hey even if he was a gay why would he have an interest in someone who's not even attractive :tears:

He's pretty much interested in girls though, he looks really handsome and he get lots of chances to date gorgeous chicks, i don't envy him AT ALL, i'm just sad about myself being a pathetic person who never got to talk with a girl and loves his male friend that will never notice him, guy-guy relationships are pretty much abnormal here, even non-sexual ones, i'm pretty sure he would freak out if i told him such thing.

Another thing that drives me crazy that he doesn't trust me to share his secrets, i understand that everyone got his own privacy and secrets, but he does share his stuff with some other guys, i'm so jealous and mad about this, why wouldn't he trust me i started to hate these guys he used to hang around with, developed terrible thoughts about them, had some nightmares about them mocking my appearance and looks

I really wish he could just notice me and share me some love, he already knows that i'm interested in guys but it's usually in a joking manner, i don't want to have any sexual thing with him cause i don't think i'll get rid of these thoughts about me being disgusting any soon, meh i'm so lame fml... every time i remember that fight i had with him and how he got beaten up cause of me .. every time i remember that even teachers used to mock my appearance.. every time i remember that i've never talked to a girl and i never had an interesting thing to share with him, every one of these moments make me cry at how pathetic my life is..

I'm sorry guys if this was boring to read or just annoying, i just wanted to share it with someone and i think i feel better now (not really =/) I'm abroad at this moment with my family for the summer vacation and i really miss him, i wish he was beside me now