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Mom won't forgive me for how I came out to her

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by skittleALY, Jul 13, 2015.

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  1. skittleALY

    skittleALY
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    So last January, I came out to my mom and consequently the rest of my family via a text message. it wasn't something I planned at all, but I was struggling and questioning my sexuality for a long time before that, and the night it happened she was upset with me because I didn't want to go on another date with this guy that I had only been on two dates with because I knew I wasn't into guys and didn't want to put myself through that again and it just sort of came out to her in the text message.

    I knew that my parents would accept me, but for some reason I was just always so petrified of actually saying the words "I'm gay" to them and could just never get the courage to say it to her in person, until it finally just boiled over and I sent it via text message.

    Anyway, the problem is now is ever since then I feel like my mom has not forgiven me for coming out to her via a text message, but doesn't understand where I was coming from. She will still reference it every once in awhile, and even tonight when we had a fight (on something not even related) she mentioned how she's still hurt over that.

    I don't know how to fix it, and it's really killing me because my mom and I used to have a really good relationship.

    So 1) I'm wondering if anyone can give me any advice on this, or has ever had a similar experience. And 2), I wrote up something to send to my mom after our fight tonight to let her know some stuff and was just wondering if someone who is not involved can read it and let me know if it reads ok. I'm worried that she'll read it and just get defensive or that it'll send the wrong tone. I really wanted to write something to her to let her know that I didn't just decide that I was a lesbian that day when I texted her, but that this is something that I have been struggling with and questioning myself almost my whole life but it's hard for me to actually say the words to her in person.

    I hope all of this made some kind of sense, but if not just writing it all down really helped. :eek:

     
    #1 skittleALY, Jul 13, 2015
  2. Sek

    Sek
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    Although I can't say for certain I think the issue here, considering her acceptance of your sexuality and the good relationship you both shared, is that she felt hurt that you couldn't bring yourself to say it to her in person. Therefore I don't think another text message is going to remedy the situation because that's what caused the problem to begin with.

    I think the way to fix it is to talk to her. I read over the draft message you had planned and I don't think it would do the job mainly because there are a few accusatory lines in there that would make her defensive and cause arguments, eg "you never understood it from my point of view".

    You should open up to her and make yourself vulnerable. Tell her how you feel, that you're upset that you no longer share as close a relationship as you used to. Tell her that you hope she can understand that it took a lot of courage to even send a text message. Tell her that if you had known it would have hurt her, you would've never sent a text message and tried harder to say it to her. Be vulnerable and tell her how YOU feel about this and that you want things to go back to how they were because holding a grudge is only going to put a wall up between the two of you and separate you.
     
    #2 Sek, Jul 14, 2015
  3. skittleALY

    skittleALY
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    Thank you so much for your reply! I just free-wrote that last night, after I was feeling really hurt by what she said to me. Mainly because she still hasn't forgiven me for how I came out to her, and because she said she feels like we are not as close as we used to be. I don't know how to tell her, but I really feel as if it has been her pulling away from me ever since I came out to her in January.

    The other thing that has been bothering me is the little comments my mom and the rest of my family makes, like they think that one day I'll change my mind and be straight again. I don't know if this is just normal teasing, or if I shouldn't let it bother me but it makes me feel as if they don't believe me.

    I want to help her understand this part of me, so that she'll know that I didn't just decide that I was going to be a lesbian overnight and to hopefully repair our relationship, but I'm really struggling on how to do it the right way. I did talk to her shortly after I came out, and I felt like it had helped but lately by the stuff she's been saying to me I feel as if we've taken a step back. I don't know how to how to help get over it, I've apoligized multiple times to her in person for telling her via text message and have explained that it was hard to tell her in person. I just wish that she could realize that it wasn't personal whatsoever and that it was hard enough to come to grips with my sexuality myself - let alone telling her.

    While I didn't send the letter last night, writing it along with this post helped me get my emotions out. I'm not sure if I should send it or not, but in the meantime I think I'll edit it to take out the statements that are more accusatory. It is really hard for me to talk about anything personal though face to face - would it be appropriate to maybe print out a final draft of what I wanted to say and leave it somewhere for her to read? Or maybe I can use the paper as guide for when/if I try to talk to her so that I don't forget anything that I want to say and help me through the conversation.

    I love my mom, and I really want to repair our relationship but I don't think she has fully accepted that I am gay yet. I know she has no problems with being gay, but I don't think she is 100% ok with me being gay yet.

    Is there anything else I can do as her daughter to help her understand where I am coming from, and consequently accept me for who I am? For example should I perhaps send her the link to our local PFLAG chapter? Or is there any other handouts or resources for parents that would be good to tell her about? Or is this something that she needs to discover for herself?
     
    #3 skittleALY, Jul 14, 2015
  4. Boudicca

    Boudicca
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    You're mom needs to get over herself. I get that she may be hurt, but it's not about her, and she has no idea how hard it can be to come out. I think your letter is great. It should hopefully help her realize what a struggle coming out was for you and explain why you did it that way. Good luck!
     
    #4 Boudicca, Jul 14, 2015
  5. A Lone Wanderer

    A Lone Wanderer
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    .
     
    #5 A Lone Wanderer, Jul 15, 2015
  6. Oh Lilac

    Oh Lilac
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    I do think your mother is being selfish and petty here. Childish, even. It is disturbing that she is making hurtful comments and not taking you seriously. It does not sound like she is being supportive when she contradicts the support with such behavior, no matter how "small" the comments. What you are going through is nothing to joke about or trivialize. She is overlooking a lengthy struggle you've gone through, and trivializing it by focusing on a text message. Your way of coming out is entirely up to you. No one is entitled to anything, because this is about YOU, not them. I think it is important that you remind her of this, but do so while still stressing you love her, and her support is important to you.

    I would say stop apologizing, too, because you did nothing wrong. She is twisting things around and making it about her, when it is about you right now. One apology is enough. I would not bow down before her any further. You said plenty, you owe her nothing more than to have told her (you don't even owe her that, in fact), and it is not up to you to make her understand. Tell her perhaps if she has questions then she can go ahead and ask, and then you can direct her, but otherwise, she may just need some time and this will blow over.

    Your letter was just fine, and I think it's a good one to give to her since it is already written. I would not go further than that. She is the adult, the parent, the role model. If she is still fixated on this and it has been since January, then it really isn't up to you to make it better.
     
    #6 Oh Lilac, Jul 15, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2015
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