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How to stop being such a jealous and insecure b***h

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Cryolite, Jul 17, 2015.

  1. Cryolite

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
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    A few people
    Hello people!

    The thread says it all. I'm a young girl who has been in a relationship with another one for some months. A couple of months ago, I started to love her for real. However, some ugly things came with my investment in the relationship; jealousy and insecurity (for all that matters, I've NEVER told her any of these feelings).

    She's a gorgeous girl with ALWAYS a big crowd of guys in love with her (her out status, sexuality is even a mystery for me, but that's another issue)*. It didn't bother me that much until two weeks or so ago, she received a whatsapp message with a guy who is into her that read "Have you reconsidered heterosexual love?". I suppose desperate people ask those things, but it really bothered me because a)* It irks me SO MUCH that she's discussing her sexuality with someone else and never with me b) I'm a terribly insecure person and I felt obviously jealous.

    It came down to the point where I stalk her and the guys on their social sites. And it's terrible because EVERYTIME I forget about it, and feel cool in the relationship, something happens. For example, I got over that message issue some days ago, and now after some talking today, bam!:

    It's no news that when I first asked her out (on a friendly plan) she told me she liked some other girl. Until today, I didn't feel a lot for it but now she casually told me she had been indeed a lot into her, for several months.

    Now, I can't help but feel like a second best, a consolation prize EVEN IF WE ARE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. It's like my n1 job it's to make myself feel insecure.

    Is there any ex-serial jealous person out there that can advise me on how to become a better person? Thank you, I hope you have a great evening!
     
  2. wasgij

    Full Member

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    JP Sears' mantra "what you resist, persists" comes to mind. So if you hate yourself for being insecure, you might find yourself drawn towards doing more things that are insecure, like over-thinking and researching how to make things better, which is kind-of ironic. Loving and accepting yourself as you are could help you to move on from past hurt.


    Desperate people? No, that sounds more cocky to me. I considered myself 'desperate' for years, and I wouldn't have been brave enough to take risks like that, even on-line. What if I offended the person I was trying to attract?! Good one, Wasgij, now she's more lesbian than ever! I now realise that my desperate attitude was a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it certainly wasn't obvious to me, back then. Also, why are you stalking her?

    People often say "you should communicate more, you need to talk to each other", but I've also had situations where acting on that advice completely backfires, and those 'helpful' people are like "but communication is very important. Obviously they just didn't like what I would have done in your position. Don't worry, the next person will be more worthy of me, I mean, you."

    For example, I'm getting to know someone new, I'm starting to like them and I'm feeling insecure about stuff. Part of me wants to confront them with my honest, insecure self -- hey, I want to know when our next date is? How was your week? Why don't you SMS more often? Are you fading on me? (And when I ask a couple of friends who are also confidantes, they're like "yes! Do it! Communication! Honesty!":eusa_doh: ) Anyway, the response can be surprisingly unappreciative and disrespectful. It's almost like you were under some obligation to maintain their fantasy that you're cool and aloof, rather than vulnerable like a real person.

    I'm still struggling with the 'answer' myself, as the above scenario seems typical whenever I really like someone. I'm not sure if it's self-sabotage, but knowledge is power.