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Could This Be a Healthy Relationship?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by brimo072, Jul 18, 2015.

  1. brimo072

    Regular Member

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    I've been out for about a year, but only five of my friends know about me still. I keep waiting for the right time to tell the others but it never happens. It never really seems to get easier.

    I had my first date shortly after I came out a year ago, with someone I met on a GPS dating app. I was stupid, unaware of what the app is usually used for. I treated it like a normal first date and I think he wanted more, but there wasn't any attraction anyway. It was a short date and quickly swept under the rug.

    I'm still a virgin. A couple months ago I started chatting back and forth with someone over OK Cupid. We share so much in common that it's almost frightening. It's like we're the same person, with just enough different about each other to make things interesting. He's what I envisioned in a partner since I was a teenager and discovered my orientation (I'll be 28 in about a week btw).

    However, he just turned 23 and has been out for only a month. He's out to about the same amount of people as I am, yet he's more timid than I am. If a stranger knows I'm gay, I don't care, my problem lies in coming out to people who have known me my whole life. He has problems even saying the word "gay" in public.

    He's admitted that the idea of showing affection to a man is still a strange idea. He's not a virgin, he had a drunken hookup once, though I'm not sure if it was with a male or female. But he did attempt a few dates with females before coming out just to "make sure" of himself, and that's when he finally decided for sure that he's gay.

    We've been on one date (his first date with a guy, my second date with a guy but I consider it my first since my first actual date a year ago was such a joke). The date went beautifully and he brought up having a second date sometime when he's back from traveling in a couple weeks. We've been texting every single day though. If you read our texts, you'd be blown away by the fact that we've only been on one date.

    I shouldn't be worried, but I am. We're both fresh out of the closets. When I'm horny (TMI for this board possibly? Sorry if it is), the thought of possibly having sex with him one day in the distant future excites me, but I'm afraid of chickening out when it actually happens. I always imagined my first partner being more experienced than I am, to break me out of my shell a bit and kind of lead the way, but I seem to be taking that role instead. We both seem to be clueless and are just kind of going with what tradition says as far as dating. At the same time though, I've always been afraid that my first partner would be tired of waiting if I choose to take it slow, and that doesn't seem to be an issue here.

    I'm afraid we're heading into a brick wall since neither of us are 100% comfortable in our skin and don't know what we're doing. It's already established that we could be really, really, really good friends based on how much we have in common and support each other. Should I ride this out further and see where it goes, or is this heading for disaster?
     
    #1 brimo072, Jul 18, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2015
  2. y is it headed for disaster? i see two guys that have tons in common and against all odds (trust me there are many) have found someone that "gets" them. doesn't mean you're headed for marriage or a LTR but for now you both like each other and enjoy each others company. what's wrong with that.

    as far as you both being new and basically virgins, i think that's great. there's no pressure or preconceived expectations. if you do get to having sex, atleast you can feel safe in the fact that you will have someone else that is learning too and you can explore together. for me that would be awesome.

    dont look a gift horse in the mouth. just have fun and enjoy what you have now.
     
  3. brimo072

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    Thanks for the reply.

    I've never been in a relationship of any sort, and since everyone I grew up with is now married and has kids, a large part of me wants whatever relationship I end up in to be the one. I'd like to explore, like teens in high school would have, where they think more in the now than the later. My brain is confused and doesn't know what it wants. I'll see where this ends up I suppose.

    Another obstacle I face is the fact that I currently live at home helping my disabled mother physically and financially, who doesn't know my orientation. The guy I'm dating lives 45 minutes away in an apartment with 3 other people who don't know his orientation. If this goes further, I'd hate to reach a roadblock where we realize all we can do is meet for coffee or chat in public places. Getting a hotel room for intimacy seems sleazy, but I don't see any way around it when the time comes.
     
  4. Gravity

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    I have to echo most of what timeforchange says - if you're getting along, finding yourselves happy with each other, you're excited to be around each other, and there's a mutual attraction - then enjoy it for what it is in the moment. :slight_smile:

    Also, a bit about finding "the one" - when we start dating later in life than most straight folks (common for lgbt people, since the coming out process can delay things), there's a bit of an odd situation - we're having fun, exploring, and all that, but if we're a little older, we might feel pressure to find that "one" that other, straight people are finding at this point (say, mid-late 20s). But, the key is, you're just a few steps behind that plan, and that's okay. And for that matter, not all straight people are finding the one at this point either. Plus, as counter intuitive as it may sound, putting the pressure on you both of needing each other to be the one can actually make it harder for things to just develop naturally.

    The logistics of not having a private place can be tough. But there are lots of ways around that - private places you can go together when you're comfortable, and not quite hotels, but maybe even a local fancy resort room. It doesn't have to be sleazy. And ultimately, if you want it to be special, it'll be special because it's yours.