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Why can't I move on from relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by blushirt88, Jul 20, 2015.

  1. blushirt88

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    I am struggling internally at the moment. I am 26 and I ended a relationship with a girl back in February. It was my first serious romantic relationship where I had deep feelings for my partner. It was also my first same sex relationship and first time that I had been sexual with another woman. I now regret breaking up with her because I miss her terribly and feel her absence daily. I don't really speak to anyone about how I'm feeling and my friends assume I am long over it and didn't really love her that much to begin with. I feel now that I lean way more towards women and I am not sure if I could be in a relationshp with a man again. I am mourning the loss of the 'hetero' identity I had before.

    I felt at the time that I needed to end the relationship because I felt overwhelmed by the intensity of her love for me which she declared very early on and felt suffocated at times. She could be very needy at times and if I couldn't be with her, she would claim that I didn't love her or would start to cry. I felt like there wasn't much of a balance in the relationship and that we rushed a lot of things, for example, sleeping together, even though the sex was very passionate and sweet. Another major reason for the relationship not working out is that I did not feel ready to tell my family about our relationship. She pushed me a lot to start 'coming out of the closet' and to spend time with her family from very early on is the relationship and I felt rushed into doing these things that I wasn't ready for. She has been openly gay for 2 years now after ending a long term relationship with a man.

    The thing is now, it is months since the relationship has been over and I don't know how to move on from it. It didn't work out and even if we reconciled, which is highly unlikely, the same problems would be present. I have had no contact with her for several months so this is not the problem, I am tormented in my mind from seeing her image all the time and feeling remorse and regret for not doing certain things differently while we were together. I had considered writing her a letter but I'm not sure if this is a good idea and if it is better not to contact her at all given that she might be seeing someone else now or is not interested in hearing from me. I am moving abroad to start a new life in three weeks and feel like this is still hanging over me and all I want to do is feel free of the pain of this failed relationship. I have tried dating other women but I have not felt any connection to them and have felt worse after these dates. I just end up comparing them to her. I am worried that I am still going to be thinking about this ex in years to come and regretting letting her go. I never loved anyone I dated or was in a relationship with until her but it didn't seem like it was enough to hold us together. I am not sure if it is relevant but she comes from a very happy, stable family background where the parents and siblings are extremely close and so happy at times I found it sickening. My parents had a d still have a very abusive relationship for as long as I can remember and it surely has been damaging on myself and my siblings to some extent. Our family is not close and at times, I would love to not speak to some of them ever again or at least, distance myself to a point where I only have to see or speak to them a few times a year. They are very homophobic as well which I why I held back on telling them about my ex girlfriend.

    I am considering speaking to a counsellor because I don't want to continue to feel this way. The relationship only lasted six months and I am wondering how any of you got over an ex that you really loved?

    I appreciate you taking the time to read if you've got this far.x
     
  2. Jade5

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    Hi,
    I'm your age, and I just got out of a relationship too. Well it's been a month or two now. It's really hard to let go of someone that you had previously thought of as a partner you were sharing your life with. To go from talking to someone everyday to possibly never talking again feels like hell. But now that a little time has passed, I've been reflecting on the relationship. When I look back at myself, I feel like I was pathetic. I would have done anything for her. I always put her first. She was a priority to me, but I wasn't to her. She never treated me nearly as well as I treated her. I know that I'm better off without her. I know that I deserve to find someone who would treat me the way I treated her. But at the same time, I'm not really ready to date again yet. I feel like I'm still too much of a mess to even try. I actually did try. I started talking to a girl because my ex was moving on and I thought I should be too. But I definitely wasn't ready. I'm actually enjoying being alone right now. We were on and off for about a year and a half so I haven't been single in a long time. I'm actually glad I can spend time with myself right now. And it may sound bad, but I'm glad that I'm spending my money on myself and not some girl who doesn't even appreciate it.

    It's going to be hard, but you will feel ready to let go in time. It just takes as long as it takes and you never really know how long that's going to be. We're human, and we have to learn to adapt in every situation. Perhaps moving to your new country will help. You'll be in a new environment, learning, exploring, meeting new people.
     
  3. Aspen

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    Keep considering speaking to a counselor, even if it's just so you can have someone impartial to talk to. And while I don't recommend sending it, you may want to write that letter. It can be helpful just to write one, to get all your thoughts out on paper, remind yourself why the two of you broke up, and bring yourself some closure.

    Think of moving abroad as a fresh start. Leave everything else behind. Focus on settling in, making new friends, and doing things for yourself for a while.
     
  4. blushirt88

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    Thanks for your replies. I feel a lot of guilt about the relationship and I know I hurt her a lot when I broke things off. I ponder if I had met her a few years down the road when I had sorted my own issues, if it coukd have been different and if we may have been able to stay together. I know it must have been hard for her to be with someone in the closet and who would not introduce her to their family. This was probably the straw that broke the camel's back.

    I know it's ppint less now to keep mulling over why it didn't work out because it just recycles the pain. I just want to be over it now. I feel ready to move on but stuck at the same time.

    I am hopeful that moving abroad will help me to move onand forget. I will surrounded by new people and a new culture and new everything. I suppose time will heal and I do hope to speak to a counsellor before I emigrate.

    Thanks for your responses. x
     
  5. Jax12

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    Same thing happened for me a couple months back. I did learn from my mistake though, like being honest to the person right from the beginning, and knowing what I want. It was hard to let him go because of how we wanted each other, but circumstances wouldn't allow it. Took me long time to let him go, but even to this day I still think about him. I stopped talking to him a 2 months ago.

    Speaking to a counsellor did help me, so that's a good choice in your part. Good luck.