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I'm not in a good way.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by unknownuser1990, Jul 22, 2015.

  1. unknownuser1990

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    Guys, I'm not in a good way. Things are pretty terrible. I'm 28, have been single for 5 years with very few dates and even less sex, I was let go from a job I loved (my only reason to get out of bed) and I'm back doing what I did to put myself through university, I'm chubby and as generally unattractive as that entails, I've moved back home with my mom and dad... Sometimes I struggle with my feelings and I enjoy asking questions so I've put my thoughts in question form to make it easier. I hope to find some answers.

    What if this is it? What if I've reached my romantic peak? What if the only man who ever loved me is happy in his marriage, my ex-boyfreind is also happy in his marriage because they dodged the bullet of ending up with me? What if I'm genuinely undatable? What if my looks, weight and generally disordered and geeky personality are insurmountable obstacles to my finding someone to make me happy? What if all my friends continue to do as they've started to; pairing up, settling down and slowly erasing me from their lives - reduced to the odd beer of a weekend when their boy/girlfriends are away? What if I pass through my remaining years as the guy who stands alone when the club lights come up, holding only my drink? What if I end up as the old man at the end of the bar, being soaped for drinks by twins that I delude myself into thinking I could ever have? What if, when my time comes to die, I'm alone? What is it about me that means I JUST CAN'T DO THIS STUFF? What if I never get back into the industry I spent my undergraduate years studying for? What if I'm stuck in a work life and salary well beneath my education and experience? What if this vicious cycle of being inevitably alone and underemployed means that I never get out of my parents house? What happens if there really is no hope for me and all I'll ever be is a huge, flabby, lonely waste of potential? What if my love for the finer things in life means I'll constantly by unfulfilled? What if I can't be happy? What if this is it?

    Thanks for listening EC family, I dread to think what I'd do without this site.....
     
  2. Chiroptera

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    Looks is relative, weight is not necessarily related to looking bad (there are lots of cute chubby guys/girls) and you would be surprised to know how many people are looking for another geek in their lives nowadays.

    Be sure of one thing: You can do it. However, it requires effort: If you want results, you need to do something.

    We have a great thread in the forum, about this subject, by Owen. Take a look here, it may help you: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...king-relationship-simpler-than-you-think.html

    Hugs (*hug*)
     
  3. confusedbubble

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    To answer all of your questions together it'll start by saying 28 is not old and over the hill for a relationship you say you're chubby (you can loose weight if you really want to but don't be pushed into it)
    Everything takes time and you just haven't met your Mr right yet, give it time get out and go to meet ups get to lgbt bars or events trust me you are not that old.
    I'm 32 and have been single for a while because I'm stupid and can't speak up when I like someone, but I know that there are people out there waiting to find someone.... Same as you.

    Use your free time to go running or walking try to get toned uup,even look for free groups to join to get you out of your house you never know until you change something sometimes a small change can lead to happiness

    Good luck
     
  4. unknownuser1990

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    Chiroptera, thank you for the link. From what I can gleam it looks like a really interesting read. Also, thanks for your kind words.

    confusedbubble (great name btw), I guess you're right. I'm just totally low on self-confidence and I know why but not how to fix it.
     
  5. Chiroptera

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    You are welcome! :slight_smile:
     
  6. Fentrion

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    Hello. For what it's worth, I feel for you. In fact, I can really empathize with some things you've written, such as a love for finer things and being a waste of potential.

    First off, depending on what you mean by a "geeky personality" I could find it pretty attractive. You could lose weight too, and get a better job. Or not, in which case you could consider the full part of the glass and be try to be content with what you do have.

    Anohter thing I can add is; maybe you can try to enjoy yourself. Start to exercise, treat yourself to delicious food, get an animal companion, play video games, meditate, listen to music and binaural beats.

    Again, I truly feel for you and wish I could help in a more practical sense, but there is nothing I can do other than offering my sympathy combined with a little advice. The only person who can truly help is yourself.

    Good luck
     
    #6 Fentrion, Jul 22, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2015
  7. charlatan

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    Also, a really important thing I've learned is to hang out with people who are just as geeky as you. It'll be a whole lot more fun, you'll meet people with the same interests and besides, trying to fit in with popular people is just not worth it and you'll get nothing out of it.
     
  8. Filip

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    That's a lot of what-ifs. But for what it's worth, they're common to all of us. Jobs, relationships, friends... there's no way to lock them in for life. Even successful people are often wondering about these very same things!

    But... that should also give you hope! Because it means you have no more or less cause for concern than anyone. You're in a vulnerable place right now, true. And you're now forced to rethink your position and regroup for another assault. That's scary.


    Trust me, I know. I was let go not too long ago. I effing loved that job. It was what I dreamt for before I even started uni. I was even quite good at it. It allowed me to move out, finally get to grips with being gay in the process. It allowed me freedom and in the process, explore meeting new people and seeing what a relationship is like.

    But here I am, back on the street. No job, no immediate prospects (yeah, summer isn't the most active hiring season). Slightly geting fed up with my family (not bad people, but after moving out, it's hard to get used to living with family again). A continent away from my BF (who's in uni in the US) and no budget for much flying back-and-forth.
    It seemed like I was destined for soaring flight and now have my wings clipped.

    Do I wonder "what if this is the end of my dreams?". Yeah. I sure do. I've asked myself all of those things in your OP.


    BUT!

    As I said before: I'm not the first or the last to be in this situation. Even among my friends I'm neither the first nor will I be the last.
    And I'm still only in my early 30s. That's not a bad age.

    So what I'm doing right now is reassessing some stuff. Thinking of what I liked most about my job and what I didn't. Looking for a job with a slightly different focus that allows me to better showcase my strong suits (for example: I always sucked at detail-oriented work. I excelled at keeping a team engaged and active. So why was I in a job that moved more into detail work?)

    I decided to get back to school in the evenings and get a degree in either teaching or psychology (haven't decided entirely yet, but I have two months to decide).

    I decided to finally attend judo practice regularly and watch my food, as I'm fed up being flabby. 20 pounds down, 20 more to go!

    I decided that I like my relationship, but that I've been on autopilot too long and things have to be planned and not played by ear.

    I started being more proactive at finding friends and found myelf hanging daily with a new friend I can't imagine ever not knowing.


    So I'm crawling back up. One crawl at a time. Some bad in the above, some good. Success is not guaranteed on any of those action items, but it somehow also feels good accepting I was slidng into autopilot and have the opportunity to be behind the steering weel again. Even if occasionally I just huddle in bed, hugging a pillow, and wishing all of it would just go away.


    What does that mean for you? Well, much the same. All of those wat-ifs are interesting questions. But they have one thing in common: they only come to pass if you do nothing. Instead, the proper question is: "how can I avoid these things?". Or even better: "What are the alternatives and how can I make them happen?"

    So: look back at your job. What went well, what didn't? What kind of new job would you want? Do you need to learn some extra skills for that?

    Similaly: now that you have the time, what kind of hobby can you take up? Preferably one involving activity out of the house, with other people. If you're into geeky things, are there people you can do them with together?

    Where do the local GLBT people hang out, and when do they do so. Why don't you go there to hang out with some?



    You're asking yourself these questions. Most people never do. That alone means you have a better chance of success. This isn't simply "the end". It's just a time of realignment and a start of something new. Ask any successful person and they'll have a story to share about one or two times they hit rock bottom. But they took i as a chance to rebuild, bigger and better. And so will you!


    Of course, all of the above says: rethink your life". Which is still a large goal. So let's break it down here! Two questions to start:
    - What did you like most in your job and what did you like least?
    - What kind of activity do you see yourself doing that you aren't doing currently? Could be a hobby, sports, or social activity.