My parents, more my mom than my step-dad, know that I've been questioning my gender and all that jazz. Online, my online friends call me Matt and use male pronouns, and my mom knows that that's what I prefer, but she says she refuses to call me those because I'm her "daughter." I just don't understand, because they accept me and are willing to support me, I've even told them I might go on testosterone one day, and theyre completely fine with it; yet, they don't see me as Matt, they see me as Madison. It hurts a lot, ya know? It's like they accept me, but they dont accept me at the same time. When my new counselor asked me what I prefer to be called in one of the first meetings, I broke down and cried because it's so hard to admit it out loud and my mom was even TELLING ME to not be scared and to tell people what I want to be called, and in the same breath said that she wouldn't call me what I wanted to be called. I don't think they understand how confused and scared and fragile I am right now. I'm trying to accept myself, I'm trying to be happy with who I am, yet now my chest hurts everytime they say "Madison" or "she." I'm screaming in my head, "My name is Matt! I'm your son! Not your daughter!" I end up crying every day when I'm home alone (they're working all summer so I have a lot of free time) because all of the dysphoria and fears just suffocate me. I just want them to see me as their son, is that too much to ask for? How can I move on and overcome my fears if they're the ones pulling me back? This is all so scary. Sometimes I wish I never realized that inside I was truly a boy. I want to forget about all this and continue living as a miserable female. I know I'm never going to truly love myself until I'm the person I am inside, not the one I see in the mirror. I didn't mean to pour all my feelings into this, sorry.
Hey. I 'm afraid your situation confuses me as much as it does you. I just wanted to say you're not alone with this. Though I'm not to the point where people call me with male pronouns, because I'm not that Out yet, I can relate with a lot of the things you said. All I can advise is to talk with your mother, because that's the way to solve things. She already sounds pretty great for accepting most things. I'm sure she'll eventually understand she is hurting you.
My dad does the same thing... you aren't alone in this situation. I've tried to cut him out of my life but he still shows up on my door sometimes. He won't use my real, legal name. He calls me by something I've erased and it hurts every time I hear it. Even more than it did before I came out. He sends me gender neutral cards now but for over a year he'd keep sending male one. Talking about it makes me feel crappy even. My advice may seem harsh but it's what I did with my mom and she hasn't gotten it wrong in about a year now. Sit down with her, again and tell her how it is. Don't ask. Just say "This is who I am and this is what I'm doing." tell her how much it hurts you every time they call you something you aren't. Tell her if she's truly accepting she'll use the proper pronouns... if she doesn't she really hasn't accepted it. Not really. She loves you, right? She'll get there eventually if she does. Now for the harsh part. Stamp it into her brain until she gets it. Answer only to your name. Your REAL name. When they call for you as Matt come running, answer them. As normal. Who's Madison? Not you for sure. Do you even KNOW a Madison? You wouldn't respond to Josh or Alex, would you? Why respond to a name that isn't yours. Every time they use the wrong pronoun, interrupt them and correct it. Over all they've called you something for years, they won't get over it over night. It'll take some time. You just need to show that this is you. I really hope they will love you for you. It's the worst feeling when they won't. I wish you the best of luck, Matt.
