Hi there I am a newbie here. Although I have been reading forums here in EC for quite sometime. Hope to hear your insights. It has been quite sometime that I have been feeling uncomfortable about my friendship with my best friend. To put it straight I have this feeling that he is embarrassed of me or at the very least hides me from a big part of his social life. My best friend is a straight guy with stereotypical interests--- car clubs, athletic, gym built, army, ladies man. Well I am gay if I am to describe myself I think the closest description would be metrosexual. I am generally not out to anyone save for one female friend who's very close to me. My best friend and I met in Medical School. We had been classmates for our freshmen and sophomore years but got separated to other sections during our junior year and internships. Everybody that we know in common are aware that we are best friends--- our batch from medical school, some friends in the army as well as our families. But there lies the contention. I am unknown to anyone else outside our common sphere of friends. The odd thing that he does is that he never has pictures of us on any of his social media. Of course we have in mine. He has this option that he needs to approve tags but whenever I am in the picture he never approves it. If we are in a party and he takes pictures with our other friends it goes into his social media but God forbid we have a picture together in the same party and it goes unapproved. It really eats me up. He's very different in real life in how he treats me. We are always together--- parties, clubs, pubs, long drives, travels, even just his house. I have a condition so it isn't uncommon for me to be in the hospital, and he always visits me. During medical school when I got sick he even offered that I'd just live in his house. He pics me up from my house and brings me home also, and I also do the same sometimes but he does it more often. We like to go trekking and mountain climbing, and whenever we do he never lets me carry anything. He takes my bag and carries it til top of the mountain and we share the same tent. Whenever we take foreign trips or state trips we always share the same hotel room and it isn't uncommon for us to share a bed. He'll suddenly call at 12am/1am or some ungodly hour and ask to meet just to talk sometimes have a few drinks or go on a long drive. Our friends even joke that it's like a booty call. He'll tell me I am his truest friend from medical school. And whenever I leave for a foreign trip. He'd tell me that I should go home already because his sad. His brothers tell me that he always tells them stories of me. Oh and I have the distinction of pinking out his shoes when he shops. Another odd thing he does is that he never tells me whenever he is dating (a girl of course). I'd be the last person on earth to know. And it'd be never from him but from our other friends. And when I tell him that's the only time he'll confess. Sometimes I'd never even know til the relationship was already over. I am not asking that I be personally introduced to his other friends. I could care less to meet them. But to be completely unacknowledged that I exist really gets to me. I think one of the reasons is that on a few occasions some people that we do know had asked us if we are in a relationship. I don't know maybe he thinks if his other friends see on social media that we are always together that they'd think the same. I don't know. It hurts that he gives more weight to the opinions of others than our years long friendship.
Hey there, and welcome to the forum! I'm glad you took the leap from reading to posting - feel free to join in more often. Anyway, this is strange and I can understand why you'd be confused or hurt by this. I wish we could tell you what's going on inside his mind - but sadly we can't! You're his best friend, and even you can't figure that one out, so I don't think there's much hope for us! It does seem like you two share a special friendship, and it does seem like he genuinely cares about you. It's important to bear that in mind. Why he behaves like he's separating you off from the rest of his friends/partners is a bit of a mystery. I do have a potential theory, though that's all it is. Sometimes when you have a special relationship like this, you go to extreme lengths to protect it. It may be that he doesn't want to let other friends in to potentially ruin what you guys have. You may be his 'escape' from the rest of his life - hence the calling up in the middle of the night for a drive. You're the one he can always come to when things go wrong. It sounds a little strange I know, but in the past I have had friends who I hang out with exclusively - I just enjoy the time we spend together alone. Admittedly, I haven't gone as far as untagging myself from pictures - but perhaps there is a similar thing going on here. The fact you are always together makes me think the reason isn't that he's ashamed of you. He doesn't push you into the nearest bush when people pass by in the street, does he? Then you really have to be worried. Sadly the only way to know for sure is a pretty terrifying option - to have an open and honest conversation with him about it. If you're as close as you say, he should be able to tell you the truth about what's been going on. Of course, that's easier said than done! I'm sorry I couldn't be more help, but hopefully I've given you something to think about!
Hey thanks for the reply I actually do get what you said. I wouldn't have thought about it myself. It is like saying I don't want anyone or anything that might come and taint this thing between us, because I like things the way they are between us already. It is a possibility. And no he doesn't push me unto the bushes I had talked to my female friend that I had mentioned previously and she did advice me the same. That is to talk to my friend directly. But that is scary as hell. And might backfire and just create more awkwardness between us. We were discussing that maybe it is what it is. Call it what you may but still embarrassment. Maybe he thinks despite his whole "macho" image if someone asks whether he is in a relationship with another guy that it really is a big hit to his ego. My friend and I were saying of course we can't fully understand where his coming from and how big a hit it is to his self esteem because after all he is straight. If someone asked me if I was in a relationship with another guy it wouldn't have a single bearing in my self esteem because after all I am gay. Another possibility is that by hiding me from others then he is getting rid of that questioning whether we are in a relationship and by virtue whether he is gay. Because if he is constantly asked and reminded of that then he is afraid it might spoil things between us. Such a complicated life :bang: but of course I am not going to end a friendship just because of one issue. I'm at this point of acceptance again, that is until the next picture of us is uploaded and hidden from the world again. then it is back to feeling miserable.
Yup, I quite agree - if he's keeping you separate from the rest of his friends because he's afraid that it'll hurt his image, or that he'll be called "gay", then he should get over himself. You're quite entitled to feel hurt if this is the case, and confront him on it. I can see why his own insecurity might make him worried - but really he needs to confront these insecurities for his own sake. In my experience, this sort of thing either comes from an intense fear of what other people might think or sometimes because that the person isn't completely comfortable with their own sexuality. I know that's a bit of a long shot, and you'll probably tell me that he's the straightest person you know, but sometimes if a person is trying to repress or ignore aspects of their sexuality - they try and distance themselves from anything related to it. Or it could be the former, they're just really scared that their friends may make assumptions and behave negatively. Either way, it'd be good for him to deal with these issues - you can't be afraid of what people think your whole life! The only thing that makes me hold off on saying "he doesn't deserve your friendship!" is that he actually sounds like quite a good friend. It does sound like you're there for each other when it counts. It also makes me think that maybe something more complex is going on here. Of course it's scary to talk about this sort of thing, but it may actually help your relationship to get to the bottom of things. I don't think you want to continue feeling miserable - and if he's a good friend, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel miserable either. Whatever the reason, I suspect that he's actually unaware of how hurtful it is. You might want to tell him how it really makes you feel.
Do you know what kind of friends he has on FB? Perhaps his regular social circle are less accepting of homosexuality or are prone to making ignorant or even insulting comments and he is trying to avoid it as much as possible? I have come across quite a few stereotypical 'bro'-type guys who often make comments like "no homo", "you look like bunch of f*gs" or "that's gay" etc without much thought. I would find it especially awkward if a 'friend' offended another on my page by making comments like that, not to mention being judged for the kind of crude and ignorant people I'm associated with. Considering you're his closest friend, he might really be afraid of seeing that happen. What I find worrying is his apparent reluctance to tell you about his dates. What kind of person is he dating that he doesn't want you to know about each other? And if he gets into a serious relationship with someone he doesn't think will get along with you, I can't imagine he will be able to keep your friendship. If I were you, I would probably casually ask him if he is worried about me spoiling his 'market value' while we're having one of those long chats in person. You can try to be a good sport about it and make it easy for him to be honest in telling you what makes him uncomfortable.
The other night it was my turn to suddenly ask him to meet me by 12am because I just wanted to talk and have a drink. But I told him it'll be a while before I arrive since we live in two different cities plus my sister had asked that I bring along and drop off some stuff at her friend's house which was just along the way. I warned him not to fall asleep on me. By around 12am I was still a block from his street and you know when you go "I'm there, I'm there. I'm on your street" but you were actually still quite a distance away. He was like you're not here. I was like yes I am, and he said you're not because I'm standing outside. When I arrived he told me that he had actually stayed and stood outside on the sidewalk for an hour after I texted because when he was inside his house he couldn't help falling asleep. So he just stayed there outside waiting for me to arrive. And he said "I just came from work, I am tired, I am sleepy but you know you are the only guy I can never say no to." It's one of those things that make you want to stay in the friendship. He really is wonderful in real life. We did end up talking til morning and I gradually asked him what he felt when some people ask us whether we are in a relationship. He said "I don't really mind. People can think what they want to think. I'll just keep doing my thing." I stopped there and never really went into the realm of asking why he was hiding me from his other friends. I'm too scared at the moment. But after that we've pretty much have our week planned already. He wants me to pick out belts with him and have dinner and drinks afterwards. Barbecue at his place the next day. And since he has a long weekend off, he wants to go on an out of state trip. He wants to go to a beach, I want to go to the mountains. So no solid plan there. (makes you think I have girlfriend duties ) I know when you listen to what we do and how we treat each other it sounds like there is a burgeoning relationship. But I don't see it that way. For one I am not into the straight-gay unrequited love thing. And two I just genuinely believe we have a unique friendship that doesn't fit the norm. As for his other friends he has a lot of friends from his car clubs, others from his clubs that "pimp out" or alter cars, childhood friends, undergraduate friends, friends around his area and some other army friends whom I don't know. He also has friends that have gun things. I don't really know what they do with the guns, whether they shoot at the range or hunt. I don't really much dig into his other friends because I don't want to appear like a stalker. :lol: I don't know if his friends are homophobic. My friend for one isn't. In our years together I think I can count on one hand the number of times his said anything about gay guys. I did hear a conversation he had with a straight guy friend the guy kept on making remarks about gays but my friend never really said anything bad, h just rode along with the conversation. But one homophobic friend doesn't mean the whole other half of his friends are homophobic. As for girlfriends or dating I've never really met anyone. He only really introduces them to our other friends (straight guys). And when I do ask him he just shows me a picture and brushes it off by saying he can never really find a girl that's relationship material. He mostly dates doctors as well. We've pretty much had a smooth friendship. The only quarrels we have is if one doesn't reply to a text or call. I mean we are lenient since there are a lot of patients but it is a no-no if you still haven't replied by the end of the day. If my other friends see me pissed of they know it is about not receiving a reply. They call it our "lover's quarrel". That is why it is frustrating receiving mixed signals. It's like he is saying we have something special but I have to stay hidden in the shadows. Just stay there and everything is good. In my mind I'm still convincing myself that at least he is just not posting any of our pictures, if he starts cropping me out that's a whole different thing. :lol: If I internalize I, it feels like I'm a mistress who has to stay hidden. A mistress who stays because being special or loved is better that having no one. :icon_sad: It's things like these that make you feel that some guys treat being gay as something you can catch. The mindset of I'll stay macho if I don't associate with gays.
