Hi, I'm new to this website and would greatly appreciate some advice. I've been with my boyfriend off and on for 8 years. I admit, it has been very rocky. We've broken up more times than I can count. He's 43, never been married. I'm 46, divorced with 3 children. Right now, things are great. We have been back together for 6 months now after a brief breakup where I stopped all communication with him. He contacted me and said he couldn't live without me and gave me a ring. Things have been pretty great ever since. We live at separate residences, however, at one time we did live together for two years, attempted to have a baby together (after going through a tubal reversal and an eventual miscarriage), until he unexpectedly moved my children and I out after an argument. The reason I am posting now is, I found a sticky note in his truck (not because I was snooping, but because my BF asked me to look for something) and it had a phone number and driving directions to a location, so I took it. I researched the number through FB lookup and it was a gay man. Of course, I was very shocked because I never expected it to be male. In the past, he has been on dating websites and all I found were women's numbers, some of which were in his phone. He has since removed all of their numbers after that was one of the conditions of us getting back together. This has been eating me up inside and I am dying to ask him about it. I'm afraid this may be a craigslist hookup. There are other reasons why I am suspicious, not just because of this number. There is a total lack of intimacy in our relationship. He will not kiss me, except for a "grandma" like kiss on the lips, nor does he perform oral sex on me. Also, early on in our relationship, he told me he had herpes, which I immediately went into the doctor and found that I also had, which makes me wonder. He tells me it was from his ex-fiance' which may or may not be true. Not implying that just because he has an STD it has to be because it was a male, but something to think about because he did not disclose this to me until after the fact. Another reason I suspect he may be bi is because he simply does not want to live together, he likes his separate space, which would give him ample time for his "hookups." I told my best friend who works where he works about my suspicions and she tells me that people mimic his mannerisms as being "gayish" and I know they are different but I always found it cute. He's from Ohio so I thought that it was just how he was and didn't think a thing of it. He was a huge track star in college, loves fishing, golf and other outdoor "manly" activities. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? I don't want to confront him based on circumstantial evidence only but if there are some bi guys out there willing to give me some advice, I would greatly appreciate hearing what you have to say! Thanks!!!
I'm really not sure what to say here. I feel for your situation, but it must be innocent until proven and all. It's certainly to my mind not reasonable cause, yet, for calling him bi. That number could be purely innocent although of he has a history of cheating it does I agree beg questions. Perhaps sounding out the issue in a none direct fashion is the answer.
I can't tell you how to tell if he is bi or not. Until he tells you, or you catch him with a guy, you won't know for sure. But I'm not convinced his sexuality is the real issue here (although I understand wanting to know). What about the fact that you suspect he is cheating? And your intimate relations are not satisfying. Both of these are (probably related) problems in your relationship, both of which you need to address, with him. You need to talk to him about this. It's going to be hard to confront him, because you did not find the information by accident; you went looking for it. But if you don't, you'll never be at peace (unless you don't actually care if he sleeps with other people).
I think perhaps this would be better in the Family, Friends and Relationships sub-forum. I'm going to move it there, to see if we can get you some more views and advice.
