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I had sex with my best friend I'm extremely confused need advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by JJ22, Jul 29, 2015.

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  1. JJ22

    JJ22
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    Hey

    First time here... I am a bisexual male but not out in the open about it. I have extremely limited experience with men but that changed last weekend... This is not a fake story .....

    One if my best friends is straight (so he says) and has a very serious girlfriend who I know well and like very much... I knew he was open somewhat sexually and has often sent very mixed signals/borderline flirtation with me, mind you he had no confirmation that I am bisexual or interested in men at all.......

    This past weekend we were having a good time drinking and then all of a sudden we were having sex. I was drunk but I remember everything, and I remember that he fully initiated this whole thing... Not to shed too much information but I was the top and he was the bottom...... I woke up terrified he was going to freak out and never talk to me again but thankfully he cracked a joke immediately, and all that next day we sat in my room and talked about sex but didn't actually discuss what we had done or what it meant...

    Today I couldn't take it any more and so I went to his house just an hour or so ago to just lay the cards out, and I told him I just really really don't want to jeopardize our friendship because that is what I care most about... I told him that I would however be open to further exploring this, and he didn't say no but didn't say yes... And he kind of is acting like he did it because he "knew I wanted to..."

    But like who does that?!? If you're not interested at all you don't just have sex with someone of the same sex as you (not to mention bottom for them) if there wasn't some sort of interest am I right? He gets very flirtatious with me both drunk and sober at times, I respect his relationship and I feel guilty about what happened, but I really don't know how to proceed...... I am not "in love" with his guy, but I love him very much as a friend and the thought of losing that is really troubling, so I guess I am looking for some guidance on what to do or not to do in order to preserve and strengthen our friendship


    I know this is a cliche story because you see shit like this all the time, but this actually happened just a few days ago and it is weighing on me

    Thanks in advance!
     
    #1 JJ22, Jul 29, 2015
  2. Posthuman666

    Posthuman666
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    I do find it odd that he would just randomly have sex with you... especially bottoming. That is weird in my eyes.

    Maybe he is questioning right now? Because being straight and deciding to have anal with a guy randomly doesn't sound very straight to me....
     
    #2 Posthuman666, Jul 29, 2015
  3. JJ22

    JJ22
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    That's what I thought maybe?..... And the next day he actually offered himself again... But in a very weird way .. I wanted to say yes but I was like "only if you want this" and he just kept saying that it was about me and my needs I don't know, we've always had a healthy amount of sexual tension, and ideally we would still be good friends and be able to be very open about this whether or not it happens again.. I hope it does but I don't want to push it or should I put myself out there more?
     
    #3 JJ22, Jul 29, 2015
  4. Invidia

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    Well, it doesn't seem to be going that bad.

    I want to ask though... what about the girlfriend?
     
    #4 Invidia, Jul 29, 2015
  5. JJ22

    JJ22
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    Yeah exactly.... I think I feel more guilty about that then he does...

    It could be worse, and I'm glad we talked it out, we've been together every day since it happened just didn't really confront it, but now that I out myself out there I'm more relieved, but I don't know if I should just leave it alone? I don't know if he was also just reserved about what to say because I literally woke him up to talk this morning, maybe he doesn't want to soberly sit down and think about it I don't know....
     
    #5 JJ22, Jul 29, 2015
  6. Chiroptera

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    I think you should leave it alone. He has a girlfriend, so you should respect that, even if he doesn't care.
     
    #6 Chiroptera, Jul 29, 2015
  7. Invidia

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    Yeah. I definitely don't think you should sleep with him again, TBH.
     
    #7 Invidia, Jul 29, 2015
  8. gloomyra

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    It sounds really fishy to me that he was the one initiating the whole thing, but that afterward he tried to say it "was for you". You don't have sex with your best friend randomly just to be nice, especially when you are already in a relationship. I'd be wary.

    For all you know, he might be thinking that if his gf finds out he can just say you started the whole thing.

    I think I'd take a step back, at least until he can be upfront about things and he isn't dating that girl anymore. Otherwise you might risk your friendship.
     
    #8 gloomyra, Jul 29, 2015
  9. fern96

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    IMHO, it sounds like he's either questioning or in denial about liking boys. However, while I can understand that this is frustrating, the most pressing issue at hand is this - he has a girlfriend. Even if he is not attracted to her and turns out to be gay, she is still his girlfriend, and he is supposed to be a committed boyfriend. He seems to definitely be lacking some degree of honesty and integrity. Please don't have sexual relations with him whilst he's with his girlfriend. That should primarily be his problem, but you also have a part to play in this. It'd be fine to experiment with him when he's single.
     
    #9 fern96, Jul 29, 2015
  10. resu

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    If you like his girlfriend, don't you think she has a right to know what's happening? Continuing to mess around behind her back risks making things even worse, and branding yourself as helping a cheater. Moreover, there is always a challenge in that "friends with benefits" situations can easily lead to one person wanting to be more than friends, in the process sometimes breaking the friendship.
     
    #10 resu, Jul 30, 2015
  11. wardrobeescaper

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    Sounds like a bisexual to me. But do you really want to be a bit on the side
     
    #11 wardrobeescaper, Aug 2, 2015
  12. Chip

    Chip
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    The "only for your needs" is his way of rationalizing his behavior. He's not straight, and he's not doing this just to make you feel good. He's doing it because he enjoys it. Basically, I'd say that he's in the "bargaining" stage of the 5 stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance).

    As to whether he's bi or gay... I think the jury is still out. I think you're going to need to have a more extended conversation and talk about his girlfriend, because what he's doing is not OK.

    My guess is that he probably *is* interested in further sex with you and possibly a relationship but he's probably confused a bit about what he feels, and perhaps terrified of what it means with regard to his girlfriend.

    As to how to proceed... there's no clear answer. It definitely isn't ethical to continue to have sex with him if he's in a relationship and his girlfriend doesn't know. And he really should tell the truth to his girlfriend about that, but that's going to be on him.

    Finally, if he's ready to let go of that relationship and pursue something with you, I'd suggest giving real thought to what that means. Sometimes these evolving friendships work out really well, and sometimes it doesn't last and ends up killing the friendship, so that, too, might be something to have a conversation about.
     
    #12 Chip, Aug 2, 2015
  13. robclem21

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    I pretty much agree with everything Chip said although I don't necessarily think that he owes it to her to say that he had sex with a guy. Coming out is often a long, tough process and I don't think its ever fair to say to someone that they "need to tell someone" out of respect for THEM.

    I do however, think that he needs to end things with her out of respect and that it would be wrong to consider experimenting on the side. From your perspective it should be the same. Chances are he will only experiment with you now since he knows he feels comfortable and accepted, but you also need to resist until things are settled with his gf. Then you can decide what type of relationship the two of you want.
     
    #13 robclem21, Aug 3, 2015
  14. Greenapple

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    Bottoming is something that a lot of gay guys struggle with at first, so I find it incredibly suspect that he just bottomed for you in your first sexual encounter. Normally drunken fumbles don't go that far between two gay guys let alone a gay guy and a straight guy.

    I think maybe he has thought about this more than he's letting on, and may have even experimented with anal before, even if it was only solo.

    He has a girlfriend though and you should both be considering her in this and should definitely stop sleeping together until he either tells her or leaves her.
     
    #14 Greenapple, Aug 3, 2015
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