Intimacy with best friend, who is straight?

Falling for the straight girl is something a lot of people do. Now, her leading you on is definitely curious, and probably frustrating.

She may be bicurious, or experimenting. One of the best things you could do is to ask her maybe. Just maybe bring it up. No one can tell you what her orientation is but her.

 

I agree that you can't know her orientation unless she says it. However, from this story I'm seeing one of two scenarios. One, is that she is gay/bi and struggling with her sexuality and allowing things to escalate with you, but not allowing her to do "real" intimate things like kissing, oral sex, etc. Some people use twisted logic like that to say "Well I didn't do --- so I'm not REALLY gay/bi."

The other situation is one that I really hope isn't true, but very well might. This situation is that she is straight, but she's just using you sexually for her own pleasure, and maybe even gets enjoyment out of teasing you or knowing she's controlling/manipulating you. If this is the case you need to distance yourself from her, or well, not distance, you need to cut her off. It's unacceptable for someone to use you emotionally and sexually, and I'm sure it hurts, and clearly is screwing with your head that you're being treated this way.

You've gone through this crazy issue with this girl long enough. I think you have to have a good long talk with her. This should be a form of a "sh*t or get off the pot" discussion. Flat out say (though in a gentle way) that you've been doing well...GAY things together for years, and even though there's no lip kisses, oral sex, etc. there have been some seriously intimate things going on. Just a quick note here that these are way past normal "Friend" intimacies. I'm gay and I've had female friends of all sexualities who I'm affectionate with, but I would NEVER dream of kissing their necks or letting them kiss mine, and definitely not let any below the belt action go on. Hugs and head/cheek kisses and "I love you" can be platonic, most of that stuff can't! Tell her that you truly love her, you'd be open to something more than a friendship, and you hope she can come to terms with who she is. If that is a woman who is open to other women, maybe you can start a romantic relationship. If that is a straight woman who just enjoys the physical sensation of someone willing to mildly pleasure her at a moment's notice...then this needs to stop. I think you should tell her that it's upsetting to go back and forth all the time, but you're confused and upset. Tell her that you will not engage in any intimacies (even hugs!) with her until she gives you an answer on how she really feels about her. And stick to that agreement! Even if you have to sit on your hands or leave the room! Then, give her time, say a few days. If she's gay/bi and struggling so hard after this long, she probably won't change over night. But maybe a talk like this will be able to get her to admit this way or that. Either way you need to stop allowing yourself to be used.

Hopefully this will work and you'll get to the bottom of this. Best of luck and let us know what happens!

 

Omg so cute!!! Awww! So heartbreaking/confusing too though! I really empathise with what you're going through right now! Unfortunately I don't have much to say here besides letting you know I read your whole post

I hope you two figure things out! This is the sweetest thing I've read in a while! Aw! xx

 

I personally think she is using you. She may well be bi (even though she may just be straight) but I think she is miles away from the stage of realizing it and accepting it.

Your story actually reminds me of the beginning of my sexuality. I had this friend whom I was pretty close to and would often sleepover at my place and we would share a bed and she would always kiss me in the neck etc... and I would let her do as yes, it was pleasurable. The human body is full of nerves that happen to react to stimulation but at the end of the day I wasn't into her ( we did go further though but same thing, I still wasn't into her but I did get pleasure out it though) and I actually was convinced that I was straight which obviously wasn't the case as I am bi but it took me a good 5 years to realize it. So there is a chance that she may end up being bi but I do believe it will take a few years for her to come to term with it.

I really hope I am wrong but I doubt it, surely had she wanted to go farther she would have and I believe that trying to 'force it on her' ( by slightly trying to go further and further) can't end well. What if you do happen to have sex but she then realize that she really isn't into girls and feel awkward around you and stop communicating ? is it worth risking your friendship ?

I have a tendency to fall for girls that clearly aren't straight ( the kind that send heaps of vibes, flirt and sometime even make a move) but won't admit it to themselves. It's tiring and often end up in heartbreak. Plus if you stop altogether the whole kissing and being intimate thing you'll be able to see whether or not she crave for it and initiate it next, would be an easy way to see if she actually wants it or just go along with it. cheers x

 

Well.. Time will tell. I know the feeling of wanting that person right at this moment but it's not a good idea to push things.. Though if it's not communicated about then how are you two going to manage? Who knows maybe one day she will suddenly run to you and kiss the life out of you.. Would you prefer to still be friends with her if she ends up not wanting it or will you hurt too much for that?

 

Don't worry I had no problem with your reply.

By using you I actually meant what you just describing which is messing with you (and your head) which is unfortunately what she, so far, has been doing. I personally find it very upsetting when someone knows that someone else have feelings for them that they supposedly don't reciprocate but go on with the mixed signals and in your case whole touchy-feely intimacy thing.

I do sympathise though as I very recently had a crush on a friend like that who, sent me all the signals to the point that she did come running to me and made out with me after I told her that she confused me as I couldn't figure out what she wanted from me and then proceeded to act like she was drunk (which she was) and had no memories of the night she had spent making out with me (made out sessions that she ALL initiated). It does suck. So I totally know the state of confusion/frustration you must be in.

You should have a chat with her though. Tell her that your feelings haven't changed and that she is confusing the hell out of you by all her small gestures. Tell her that it's fine if she is straight but that she should understand that it's hard for you not to get your hopes up when she remains so intimate with you. You have the right to move on with your life. You've been stuck on that girl for the past 3 years, 3 years that you could have spent with someone that did love you so it's fine if she isn't into you but not if she keeps 'leading you' on by her mix signals. Just saying this for your sake. We only have a life and it's too short to lose years running after the wrong person. Good luck though and hope you get some answers.

 

I agree with the others, she's probably using you. I read a similar thread like this. Straight guy was using gay guy because he had money. So, if she's using you, end it. If not, enjoy, I guess.

 

I'm probably more naive than not and cannot always understand humanity, but I would think that it's just denial. (Still a very arduous situation to be in.. :icon_sad

Perhaps this is somewhat childish, but I would probably play the jealousy card. Start going out and having somewhat less time for her. Talk her about this cute girl you met the other day. You know, see how she'll react. If she becomes irritated or possessive, explain to her that since she has no feelings for you, you need to find yourself someone who does.

In any case, you sure need to address the whole thing. Don't worry about the outcome. Loosing her completely is still better than being stuck in this situation.

Keep us posted (*hug*)

 

Well oh my god! This is so damn cute I'm sorry I just can't.. The cuteness.. Gawd help me! That is so sweet! I can't say I'm not slightly jealous of what you have with this girl. It's still a confusing situation though I understand that! I am Lesbian right and I am pretty close with a guy friend but as soon as he tries stuff with me I tell him to stop. He knows I'm a lesbian (he's even seen me basically puke when talking about heterosexuality) so for her to do this to you is very confusing for sure! I hope things work out okay though.. Good luck x

 

The more you've said makes me think she's in the closet. If she's initiating so much, and purposely avoiding mouth kisses and er, some direct below the belt action makes me think that she's trying to justify it to herself that you're still just "friends" and she doesn't want to jump into bed with you.

That being said, you still need that "sh*t or get off the pot" conversation. Pick a day and tell her. Maybe even compose a letter, that way we can even see what you say! =P But I think you need to have this talk with her, and push her into a decision. Give her time like I said, but there is a chance you might not be able to talk to her. Your friendship sounds like it's becoming toxic, and no one should be used sexually like you've been.

 

-hugs- this situation sounds a lot more painful than I originally thought. While I can respect your choice to not want to stir things up, I just want to suggest trying confronting her, not just for you, but for her. The picture yore painting now looks a lot more like a young woman who is suffering with her sexuality, mother issues and it seems, creating relationships with others. It's not ok or healthy to be someone's sole lifeline, even f you love them enough to do so. (Trust me I'm talking from experience). If she's struggling and hurting so much, and that worried about her mom disowning her she's probably better off without her mom anyway. Sexuality aside, many times family members can be toxic and are best cut off. I think you should write her a letter, and give it to her when she leaves. This way she can hear all you have to say without arguments. Tell her how much you love her, how much she means to you, and how much you know she loves you. And over and over its ok, it's ok, it's ok to be who she is and how she feels. Make the words feel as much of a strong, comforting embrace as possible. Tell her that you are hers if she wants you, even if that takes a little time. Let her know you understand her fears, that she has a beautiful soul like you said, and she shouldn't feel she has to hide, even if her mother is cruel to her. Maybe even suggest she come to this site or another for support. And you can say if she doesn't want, you'll try to be a platonic friend too, but you're going to move on with your life romantically and otherwise as well. I'm actually taking from someone else who suggested to make her a bit jealous. The horror of realizing someone you love might be with someone else soon and not yours can sometimes be a jolt people need to admit things. But I think it's important that you DO actually move on if she doesn't confess her feelings. Feel free to PM me if you want. This sounds like a really difficult ordeal.

 

troubleshooter,

You only recently signed up and just have a handful of posts yet, but each and every one of them is sensible, helpful, caring and gentle.
Welcome to EC. It's good to have you around.

galpal,

Please do what she says. I think it's for the best.

 

I actually disagree with the idea of a letter that would say the words suggested here as it's basically taking for granted that she is bisexual or at least not entirely straight.
This girl hasn't come out yet (if she in fact isn't straight) and I do not believe that it is OP's role or position to tell her what she is.
Actually if I was straight and received a letter like that from one of my friend ( to whom I would have emphasized on the fact that I was straight and not into her) I would be a little freaked out and probably would have one of those ' WTF ?' moment. Imagine she is indeed straight and receive a letter that says '' Hey, I know you are gay/bi/into women and it's okay, don't be afraid of getting out of the closet or of what your mother could think of it, you'll be fine as long as we are together. " Which, less romantically written, is basically what this letter would be saying and I cannot see how this wouldn't make things awkward between OP and her friend ?

She shouldn't assume that she is anything but what she said she was, in this case straight as she would probably come across as 'pushy' otherwise. I sure would find someone that would give me a whole speech about how I am a lesbian and it's okay and that I don't have to hide behind the 'bi' word and should come out after I made it clear to her that I liked both, pushy and probably 'inconsiderate' and probably would back away from her instead of the opposite. Not saying that's what your friend would do but there is other way to get someone to come out of the closet without telling them that ' you know they are gay'. The letter is a great idea but I would only put my feelings in there.

Tell her what she means to me and why it's difficult for me to be in a situation where I am physically close to her (in an intimate way) while I know she doesn't reciprocate my feelings ( in this case even if I believe she does) and that while I understand that she may not feel the same way about women or me in general and want to remain friends I would have to put an end to the intimacy we have to spare my feelings and to start moving on and meet other girls that would reciprocate my feelings. (which should make her jealous if she is into you ) and then I would repeat that I love her and want to keep our friendship but wanted her to know where I stood on the whole thing.


Obviously it's your choice and you know her better than we do but I wanted to give my insight as everybody would react differently to different things, wordings.

Good luck whatever you chose and hope you get the girl !

 

Thanks @idsm

@Linning I would agree that it would be wrong to say "it's ok to be gay" in a letter to this girl. I'm not looking for her to "Tell her who she is". But I phrased it as telling her "it's ok to be who you are, whoever that is", which is not explicitly saying what her sexuality is. But you're also acting as though the OP is talking about a friend who really does seem straight. I'm sorry but a young woman who repeatedly seeks out another woman for well, sexual activities, albeit mild ones, does not sound straight. The fact she struggles so much in many ways also sounds like she is having some issues with her sexuality. It's not like this is coming out of left field. I'm quite sure she's aware of what sort of relationship and things she's done with her friend, and it's clear to anyone with a working brain that these are gay things. I don't know how the OP would be considered "pushy" when this girl already pounces on her to kiss her face, lets her stick her hand in her pants, and regularly gives requests for neck kisses.