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Getting Stared At In Public

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by quit160, Aug 5, 2015.

  1. quit160

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    Hi,

    I just got back from a date. I'm 21, and consider myself a late bloomer when it comes to both dating and being very expressive about my gay identity in public.

    A bit of background: as of the last few weeks/months (it being summer) I've been focusing hard on bettering myself and correcting a lot of bad behavior like people-pleasing that I believe came from the repressive closet years.. I'm still on my way, and still annoyingly find myself looking to straight-guys as a knee-jerk reaction to see if I'm 'doing it right' - aka behaving like a good/proper/'ordinary' straight guy, despite the fact that I've come out of the closet.

    Anyways, I was at a cheap restaurant tonight meeting a guy from ******, and there happened to be a lot of middle/older aged, blue-collar guys hanging around in there to whom I immediately gave this power over me. I could hardly listen to the guy across from me talk b/c I was in fight/flight mode, nervously feeling judged and stared at (for the record, we were actually being stared at). I just feel like shit b/c I thought I had made progress on this, but I guess I'm not as comfortable with being out as I thought. The worst part is that it's really affecting my personal life, since I don't feel comfortable being with another guy unless it's a bit secluded and no one can hear us talk. I really admire feminine/flamer guys b/c you guys really don't give a shit about this. I've still got this debilitating fear though and it's killing me.

    I need some advice, and would really appreciate if anybody had a few words to say. (I know for starters it'd be much better to go to a more liberal minded place like the mall.)

    Thanks :bang:
     
  2. Honest4You

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    I'm confused by what you mean when you say you behave like a good/manner/ordinary straight guy?

    Could you clear that up?
     
  3. quit160

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    Ya for sure,

    b/c, back when I was in the closet, out of paranoia/fear, I'd try and replicate what I thought a straight guy's mannerisms were.. to stay under the radar. And who better, I thought, to get the approval of - to check that I was acting straight well enough - than my straights peers. So that's what I mean.. even though I don't have any conscious desire to be straight anymore, I still have this ingrained (annoying..) tendency to get their approval. Which I'm working on.

    And like I said I think it comes from always looking to my straight peers in grade school that I was being 'ordinary'/'straight' enough.. if that makes sense..
     
  4. Honest4You

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    I'm not sure what a straight guys mannerisms are because I have stereotypical masculine mannerisms yet I'm very gay...Haha I don't define them as straight guy mannerisms either because I don't see what sexuality has to do with being masculine. In any case if this is what you're making reference to, do you naturally feel that masculine mannerisms come to you or do you force yourself to act this way?
     
  5. Gavis

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    I know how you feel. Personally, I've always acted like a "straight guy" my whole life, even though I've had suspicions of myself since 6th grade. Even now when I'm not really out at all(only a few people that I've hooked up with/close friends who found out about the hookups know), I still think I act pretty "straight". It isn't so much an act, as I've always been like this. I don't fit the stereotype of "super flamboyant". I never have and I really don't see myself ever doing that because it simply isn't me. I'm not overly flamboyant in general or anything like that. I still appreciate "straight things" such as sports and all the "manly" things.

    Enough about me, what I'm just trying to say is I'm in the same boat. I am always paranoid when I'm out to getting looks and everything. Even when I hang out 1 on 1 with my best friend, who is gay, I get paranoid. I feel like people assume we're on a date, even though were only hanging out.

    My advice, is to just shrug it off. Who cares what others think is what I say. It is easier said than done.I know it's much more difficult if you seem pretty "straight". But as long as you are comfortable with yourself, I think that's all that matters. I do know around where I live, people tend to usually be more accepting. I just live in a more liberal town. And like you said, if people are really being rude and keep staring at you, maybe just try a more accepting or casual place. But I just hope you can be happy going on dates and being yourself and having a good time and not having to worry about pleasing others or worrying what they think of you.
     
    #5 Gavis, Aug 5, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2015
  6. quit160

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    I see what you mean and I agree actually. It's different for me - I'm not super fem, but I'm not quite like my straight friends who like baseball, etc. For me, I think I took on a few more masculine traits than I was naturally on a trajectory for, just because of hanging around straight guys during my closet years. It's interesting though that there's such a range of personalities, like yourself with a masculine personality.

    That's beside the point though because it's being stared at in public in a situation where two guys are on a date that I'm a little stressed about.

    ---------- Post added 5th Aug 2015 at 09:39 PM ----------

    ..and then being the focal point of a small restaurant with weird people around.

    But even in general. Just being stared at as a gay guy in public.. I'm looking for advice on how to deal with that
     
  7. Jax12

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    Well I'm definitely not the feminine type of guy, so I'm more masculine if you will. However, I think that's the struggle I have, is that who I am is the very reason why people think I'm straight when I'm not.

    And quite frankly I love feminine guys, cause like you said, they can express themselves freely. But with that said, I don't force my masculine behaviour either. I remember being so paranoid about what people would think of me in general, but after a year of hell, and seeing other people, I've started to care significantly less.

    Definitely takes time.
     
  8. Honest4You

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    I still don't understand why you guys reference masculine mannerisms as acting like a straight guy, I'm slightly offended by that haha :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  9. Van

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    Uhm, you've already got the answer.

    Once you embrace your feminine traits (which every man - gay or straight - has), you'll feel more comfortable and care less about 'behaving like a good/proper/'ordinary' straight guy'. :icon_wink
     
    #9 Van, Aug 5, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2015
  10. quit160

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    I sincerely didn't mean that in an offensive way, it's just how I use the word. Now that you've mentioned this though I'll really consider changing that habit.

    ---------- Post added 5th Aug 2015 at 09:50 PM ----------

    Ah, this! Thanks, I've known I need to work on this but I needed to hear it again.

    ---------- Post added 5th Aug 2015 at 09:53 PM ----------

    I appreciate the response. Having patience is something I could use more of, so that resonates well.
     
  11. Lyana

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    It's probably a confidence issue. You sound afraid of being perceived as gay by these people looking at you. You're nervous. The guy you're with might wonder if you're ashamed. It seems like you're fine with your own orientation, but are still scared of what others may think.

    You're out to people you know, but don't seem to have reached the "casually out" stage, where you just don't care if people know or don't know. And that's fine. I honestly believe that will come with time. It's something like a "next step," if you will.

    Maybe start by trying to understand what you're afraid of. Is it violence? That's scary, but how likely is it to happen where you are?
    Or is it being laughed at or insulted? That's a horrible experience, but you know who you are, and you know the problem is with them.
    Is it being stared at? Try to make that a positive thing. The more LGBT folk people see in the street, the more it will become normal, and the next gay guy to come along will be able to feel more comfortable. If a young closeted gay guy sees two adult gay men comfortable with each other, it will give him hope. You'll do the world (and yourself!) a whole lot more good by being yourself.
     
  12. mapleluv

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    I think the thing that helped me deal with my self-consciousness was just coming to a place of acceptance that people will stare. And going out & experiencing it enough times that it's just kinda stopped bothering me. Yes, it's obnoxious being stared at like you're aliens, but the majority of the time it's just done out of curiosity (rather than malice). Repeated exposure has been key to dealing with my fears, so whatever you do, don't stop going out!

    And being super into whoever you're out with helps too, sometimes I just kind of get lost in conversation or in their eyes & I just stop noticing everybody around us....
     
  13. Incredibull

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    I am a very masculine dude as well, but that is just who I am naturally. I tend to like feminine guys and when I first started dating I even walked my date really fast to his car because being with him was signalling everyone around that we were gay. But, after a few months of dating my date was talking about going to pride and what he wants to see in a boyfriend and I was completely comfortable with it in a crowded public setting. It just takes time, plus I'm the kind of guy who sometimes slightly enjoys confrontation of ignorant folk. Hopefully you can continue going out and focusing on what you want rather than those around you. If you see no problem with how you act/wish to act/ or the actions of who your with, then try to make your body comfortable knowing confidently that there is nothing logically wrong with it.