1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to find a boyfriend?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MissFortune, Aug 5, 2015.

  1. MissFortune

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Diego
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi there, I am 18 years old and I am gay.

    I wish it were that simple.

    I am starting my freshman year at college in less than 15 days and I am very socially awkward, not in a sense that I don't know how to talk to people; because I am very outgoing and a great friend, but because I cannot for the life of me talk to a guy I am interested in.

    I was up late last night, kept awake by my anxiety. I knew that there is a very cute barista at Starbucks and I was going to be their on the morning of his shift, because I saw him there a week ago around the time I go; which went very, VERY badly.

    To inform you guys, I stay awake planning potential conversation starters that I could use; just little base-lines to fall back on if I freeze up, but they don't help me at all.

    Flash-forward to last week, I was a cashier away from him while my friend ordered from him; and I panicked. I couldn't stop doing a very blushy smile and I completely forgot what I was going to order which was even more embarrassing. He didn't seem to notice but I was ready to die in that very moment.

    Now, finally today. I was able to compose myself better this time, not smiling awkwardly and just keeping a straight face; but he wasn't cashier today.

    Instead, I had somebody else take my order while he made drinks.

    There I am, sitting drinking my very berry hibiscus; looking from the corner of my eye to see if he was looking at me, but he wasn't.

    I am continually doubting myself because I cannot read people, romantically. Sometimes I mistake peoples kindness for romantic gestures or I mistake peoples romantic gestures for kindness.

    Either way, not good.

    I don't know how ANY gay man in this world finds a boyfriend, what if they're not gay and they beat you up or something? -or they're not gay and they become very offended or embarrass you?

    I feel like I am going to be single forever because: I can't flirt or do anything other than blush and smile, I constantly embarrass myself and I am too afraid to ask if they're gay.

    I am probably just wasting my time and will grow up being a 40 year old virgin. :icon_redf:icon_sad:

    Advice? How did you meet your significant other? Do you suffer from some of the same romantically-awkwardness I do?
     
  2. troubleshooter

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2015
    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NJ
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I suggest trying online dating. People post their sexual orientation so you know for sure and you can see more about them than just looks. Plus they can't see you blush! I'm super awkward and anxious when it comes to asking someone out, but online dating feels safer in more ways than one. That's how I met my new girlfriend, on a dating site. Give that a whirl and see how you like it. I bet you won't be single until you're 40, it just feels like that a lot. It's a hard feeling to get over.
     
    #2 troubleshooter, Aug 6, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2015
  3. Sek

    Sek
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2014
    Messages:
    372
    Likes Received:
    2
    I see a few issues you want addressing: how to get over your shyness with talking to your romantic interests, and how you can find other gay men to connect with in what seems like a world full of heterosexuals.

    Feeling anxious about impressing your crush is something everyone goes through. It's healthy to feel it - if you didn't feel worried that you might not impress your romantic interest, I would question how much you actually liked them. No matter how confident you are, you will care about whether they like you or not. A confident person in this situation is not unafraid, but acts anyway knowing they will survive if they're turned down. So bear that in mind - it's healthy to feel worried, but that doesn't have to stop you. The only practical advice I can give you is just throwing yourself in the deep end regardless of your fears because, although you might sink a few times, you'll eventually learn how to swim.

    In a world of heteronormativity and gay-shaming, it's natural to have some trepidation of coming out and thus concealment of one's homosexuality. Many people you have come across and will come across aren't being open about their sexualities and that causes problems for us. As someone who has started the coming out process, I have noticed an increase in gay people coming into my life. We're naturally inclined to want to connect to those people because they share an experience of marginalisation and have a better understanding of life as a gay person, so we tend to draw towards each other. Are you out? Do you plan on coming out?

    Being comfortable enough to ask people I'm interested in if they're gay is a far step that I personally have not reached yet, and it seems like it's something that takes a lot of self-confidence. Fortunately there are ways to get around it: online dating specifically for gay people and expanding your circle of already out 'gay' friends (eventually in which you may find someone you're attracted to) call to mind first. Online gay dating is probably the simplest situation. I used it before I came out and it worked for me, and it pushed me in a better direction since I gained the confidence to come out to others and some of the problems I had as a closeted young gay male have gone.

    Hopefully some of my thoughts will help you, and I will you well in your romantic endeavours. :thumbsup:
     
  4. mangotree

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2014
    Messages:
    1,322
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Queensland, Australia
    I've seen research which suggests that it's common for people to see awkwardness and clumsiness as quite a sexy attribute :slight_smile: so don't worry too much about that part of it.

    You've also got youth on your side, so if you're attracted to someone who you know to be gay - you've got a pretty good chance of them liking you back in one way or another.

    The tricky part is how to find other gay people.
    Being that San Diego is pretty big - there's probably a good number of gay sports groups and/or teams if that's your thing.

    Online is alright too - though again due to your age, you'll probably get more interest from people than you are comfortable with. You'll probably need to learn to turn people down.