Hey everybody! So, I've actually met someone who mutually likes me as much as I like her, and let me tell you, this is all new and scary to me. I've been very close friends with this girl for about 2 and a half months now - we met off of a dating app. Well, about a month into our friendship, she asked if there was potential for "more" or not. Of course, I was ecstatic to hear this, and said yes. We started seeing each other more frequently. Then, she ended up having some health issues, and so, she's been in the hospital for the last few weeks or so. She had been starting to become distant, so I figured I would bite the bullet and come clean with how I feel - that I really really like her. So I did just that. (I did it over text - should have not done that, haha). She said she was oblivious to how I felt, and figured I was uninterested due to her health issues. But she didn't give me a straight answer but rather, asked to meet in person and talk. So, I figured she was gonna let me down in person. I was completely crushed. However, when we did meet, she told me she really did like me, but wanted to take things slow, as her prior relationship was controlling, along with her ex wanting to be polyamerous. She also said she was engaged and her and her fiancée were looking at fertility clinics even. But we both agreed that we wanted to start dating each other. Obviously, our physical contact upped after that, and it was great. What worries me, is that she is going on what seems to be a date with someone else. I could be overanalyzing, but I recognize the girl she's going to see from that dating app. Me and this other girl that she's going to see had coincidentally talked prior to things getting serious with the girl I am dating now but I cut things off because she was polyamerous and that wasn't my thing. However, I don't want to be THAT jealous person. The day after I had told this girl that I really really liked her over text, I went to my first pride event, and had coincidentally saw the two of them there together, on what I'm assuming was a date of sorts. So, needless to say, I wheeled outta there pretty fast (what an awful first pride experience! Hah). My friend told me that I should tell her I want to be exclusive (this is my first relationship, so I didn't even realize that "dating" and "exclusive" weren't synonymous?). But it seems a little soon for me to demand her to focus just on me, especially since her last relationship was super controlling. However, I just don't understand after we've clarified that we are dating, why she would still want to go out with this other girl. But again, I am assuming a lot, and I just have no clue what to do. I'd like to relieve my worries and trust her but I just don't know what to do. So. All that being said, I've come here for advice. How would you all proceed with this? I worry incessantly, and have obviously never dealt with this stuff before. She is a super sweet, kind, honest girl, and has told me she will always be patient since I am so new to everything, which is super reassuring to me. However ... I don't want her to see other people. But we legitimately JUST decided we were dating. Should I wait a little bit to see how serious she is about us before asking if we are exclusive or not? Or should I just ask her right away?
As the one who's typically on the other side of this equation- the woman dating multiple people, which sometimes ends up upsetting some of those people- let me say first that she probably assumes that you are dating other people as well. There's a good chance that she has no idea that it would even bother you because that's just what most people do, they date multiple people until they're ready to commit to one of them. There could be lots of different reasons why she may be choosing to date other people even if she really, really likes you. Maybe she she's wary of "putting all her eggs in one basket", so to speak. Maybe she doesn't feel like she knows you well enough to commit yet. Maybe she's a afraid. Maybe she just likes hanging out with new people & sometimes getting free food out of the deal. If it would make you feel better, you might want to clarify that you wanted to be exclusive. However, definitely don't expect to become exclusive after that conversation & be prepared to accept that. She just got out of a rough relationship & already said she wants to take things slow, so I presume commitment isn't really something she's comfortable with right now.
Since this is so new and she did ask for a slow pace because of her previous experience, give her what she is asking for and go slow. Hold off on the exclusivity conversation and ask her out on a proper date. Woo her and be patient, kind and gentle. Try not to over stress. You already thought the worst when she wanted to talk and turns out she didn't want you to leave, but quite the opposite! I realize it is hard to imagine her spending time with someone you are seeing as a threat, but she is telling you she needs to make her own choices. Go slow and if she really likes you, it won't matter who she hangs around, as replacing you won't happen.
I would suggest to clarify first of all what she meant when she said she's engaged. This could be a tricky situation for both of you if she's committed to someone else but at the same time dating you, as I believe what you want is an exclusive/monogamous relationship with her. It can be very challenging and tough to continue dating someone when you're both unsure of what the dynamic in the relationship really is. I suggest that both of you mutually agree on things such as: are you going out exclusively; are you monogamous; is she really engaged to someone. It helps to be entirely clear with each other, so that your expectations are reasonable. Try to be absolutely transparent about how you feel regarding her seeing someone else, and try to encourage her to be as transparent with her own feelings. From here, hopefully you establish how to go about the relationship respecting each other's feelings, and then you can have a more meaningful and productive relationship together. Best of luck, Robyn
Thanks so much for the responses everyone. All of you really helped bring perspective to my situation, and it was really helpful. After reading everything, and chatting a bit more with her about just life in general (nothing specific to our relationship), I realized that the first poster may be right - she simply doesn't seem quite ready to commit, is a bit afraid, and would rather be safe than sorry. So I've decided, for now, that I'm going to continue being patient, kind, caring, and allow our relationship to grow more, as things are still quite new. HOWEVER, I don't want to miss my chance with her - after all, me biting the bullet and saying how I feel helped our relationship move forward. So I think, when the time comes, I will talk with her about exclusivity and how we both feel about it. I think I'm just so excited and happy that I want everything to last, but obviously, she is at a slightly different stage in her life than me, and honestly, she just seems a bit afraid. Not cold or indifferent or casual, but afraid and fearful that she could end up in a bad place again. So supportive I shall be, until the time is right to have a more serious conversation. Thanks so much everybody.
